Cheesy, Sleazy, Must-See Movies

Battle Royale (2000)

2012-02-18T00:54:00.000-08:00

     So with all the buzz about this film's official US Blu-ray release coming up in late-March, over 11 years after the film's original release, I felt like I should definitely review this one. (Not to mention it's one of my favorite films!) I was surprised to find the US release coming up soon because this film is pretty well known in some circles. When I started my Netflix account, it was one of the first movies that I rented. One of the biggest draws for me being the super hottie Chiaki Kuriyama (Kill Bill Vol. 1) but this is about more than just a chance to see a bunch of Japanese schoolgirls...

     The movie starts off by introducing the fall of the nation. Unemployment is rampant and the high school kids are starting to rebel so, to keep the kids in line, the adults passed what they called the Millennium Educational Reform Act... otherwise known as... the BR Act!!! (Guess what the BR stands for??) Soon after, we see an entire class of kids gassed and taken to an isolated island where they're fitted with electronic collars. There are little explosives fitted into the collars and will detonate should one of these students enter the off-limit zones, these zones are to change daily. They're given limited supplies for survival and some are given weapons to offset any natural advantage that the others may have over them. There are a couple of kids who seem to be natural killers and are actually excited for the game to begin. Once the rules are explained, the kids are released into the field to hunt each other down. Some of the kids clique up and some "friends" betray one another. No one is sure who to trust as there can only be ONE winner. How would any teenagers be able to trust each other, much less band together and fight for a united cause? Well, one of the kids turns out to be the previous winner of Battle Royale and plans to avenge the loss of his beloved in last year's BR. Can any of the kids work together long enough to stop the adults from destroying the youth of the future?

     This brutal film, that depicts teenagers killing each other on an island, is based on a book of the same name. Written by Koushun Takami, this popular story was adapted into both the film and a manga series. Another reason I felt like touching on this movie is because a film adaptation of the book The Hunger Games is set for a March 23, 2012 release. Author Suzanne Collins denies knowing of Battle Royale's existence until she supposedly "finished" her book. (Despite the fact that The Hunger Games came out almost a full 10 years after Battle Royale's original release in Japan!!!) Both of these books obviously draw from the same inspiration, similar to films such as The Running Man and Death Race 2000. The big spin on Battle Royale was that it was a bunch of high school kids killing each other, which I'm sure is the big draw for fans of THG. In the end, even if The Hunger Games was meant to be a Battle Royale knockoff, BR does it better by pitting an entire class together. I believe that two representatives are chosen from one of 12 districts to fight for food. That's only 24 kids, as opposed to BR's 42 students, and the kids are from different districts!!! Kids that don't know each other have no reason to hold back, what could be the tension there? Battle Royale makes you think about what it would be like to have to kill your own best friend. Someone that you might've grown up with or started dating and have fallen in "love" with. Bonds that you've made over the years must be severed in order to survive. That's some real drama. You're hungry? Why don't you kill each other for this steak? Sounds more like Bumfights to me. Another thing that I really liked about the film is that not every teenager was so adept at killing. Some couldn't even believe the situation they were in and were terrified at the thought of killing a classmate. This graphically depicts this drama and sets you on the edge of your seat, waiting to see what happens next to this group of high school students with varying points-of-view on the situation they're all stuck in. The Hunger Games is about a bunch of starving people who are willing to kill for food. Who the hell wouldn't?!? I understand vegetarians not wanting to kill animals for food, but I can name at least a dozen people who would gladly kill a vegetarian for a hamburger. (I'm just sayin....) The good news is Battle Royale's Blu-ray release is slated for March 20, 2012 a full 3 days before The Hunger Games hits theaters (HA!)

     So forget The Hunger Games, go pick up the Battle Royale Blu-Ray and wait to rent The Hunger Games on DVD if you really want to see it. (With a PG-13 rating, you either have to be a kid or a die-hard fan to appreciate)

Nudity: None. The movie's rating is for violence and some coarse language

Gore: Man, this wasn't overly gory but was pretty bloody. Typical with most Asian films, blood is emphasized over visceral violence. When the necklaces are activated, we see teenagers getting their throats blown out with explosives and blood sprays everywhere. People are shot, stabbed, and some even jump to their own death off of a cliff.

Awesome: to the MAX!!! This is one of my favorite films of all time. Quentin Tarantino has even been quoted as recently as 2009 saying that this film is his favorite movie of all time. Despite having hot Japanese schoolgirls, covered in blood, I find the plot to be really interesting as well. I'm typically a zombie movie fan, so it's easy for me to imagine getting together with my friends and going out to hunt a common enemy. This film takes it out of that frame of mind and asks the question, could you kill your best friend? (Which happens to be the movie's tagline!) Knowing that there can be only one survivors makes you wonder which one of your friends you could really trust in a situation like that. Friends always say that they'll be there for you... but would they be willing to die for you too? Who would've thought that watching a group of ninth graders savagely kill each other could be this much fun?! (Man, Freshman Fridays over in Japan are super harsh....)

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)

2012-02-13T00:33:00.000-08:00

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (USA, 1988) - Color, Director(s): Stephen Chiodo
MPAA Rating: PG-13
[UK: 15]
Approx. 88 min.

Z-rating: 5 out of 5 stars for being hilariously entertaining

Cheese Factor: 5 out of 5 stars for being totally B-movie schlock

Time for my first review of 2012!!!! By this time, I would've expected space travel to be "the norm" but in reality... we're a little closer to being visited by aliens than we are to exploring the cosmos. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if killer klowns really did come from out space to invade us. That seems more plausible at this point than anything your typical sci-fi space travel movie would have you believe. Taking that into consideration, I'm not really sure why this movie gets put down all the time... I mean, come on, you've just popped in a movie called Killer Klowns from Outer Space... what else were you expecting? If you're looking for some Avatar special effects, you're sure to be disappointed. Dripping with pure cheese, this movie tickles my funny bone like few others have. With that said, let's dive headfirst into this extra large bucket of pure cheesy schlock that spoofs alien invasion movies.

So a spaceship (a circus tent) lands on Earth and a band of alien klowns that are hungry for some human go on the prowl on the streets of a typical small town. (These kinds of aliens never land in the middle of downtown L.A. or anything... only the big budget aliens do) This hilariously so-bad-it's-good film is filled with creative and silly weapons like guns that cocoon people in cotton candy, balloon animal hunting dogs, and guns that shoot popcorn which are really seeds that sprout little killer jack-in-the-box heads. (The cocoons are hung upside down aboard "the ship" and the klowns drink the juices with a twisty straw!!!) There's a plot that has to do with some kids trying to warn the police but no one believes them so they have to try to save their friends themselves. Bad acting is a staple amongst these B-movies and this one is no different. I have to give credit for the costumes though because they really deliver on what the title promises, these are some twisted looking klowns!! My favorite part has to be the final boss klown... I have no words for how truly awesome this part of the film was to me. If you're looking for some truly mindless entertainment, it doesn't get any better than this!!! (Believe me, this movie blows Killjoy out of the fucking water. That would have to be the worst movie I've ever seen. Ever.)

Nudity: None. There's a scene where a girl is about to hop in the shower but nothing is shown.

Gore: There's a little blood here and there, but nothing too gory. When the cotton candy cocoon is torn open, we see a melted bloody corpse inside.

Awesome: as far as B-movies go, this one is more fun than most I've seen. If you ever see this baby in a bargain bin, do yourself a favor and pick this up. This film can be a lot of fun if you don't take it too seriously.

Back from the Grave!!!

2012-01-27T16:21:00.000-08:00

Z-portal is back!!!

In order to celebrate our return, I decided to put up my personal Top 20 list of my favorite zombie movies. This is in no way an official or comprehensive list of zombie movies, I just picked the ones that I could probably watch over and over again without it loosing too much of its charm. So to celebrate our return from the dark depths of obscurity, Z-portal would like to present this mixed bag of undead goodness. Let's dig in, shall we?

20. Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror (1981)

While I highly doubt that this film would make too many other lists, I just had to throw this one on here for the scene where some lady gets her titty bitten off by her zombie son!!! (Who she was trying to breastfeed at the time...) In what has to be the strangest scene of any zombie film I've seen, a 12 year old kid with an Oedipus complex tries to grab his mom's boobs and is slapped for it. A zombie gets to him after he runs away in embarrassment and he is turned without the mom knowing. When she sees him again, she's so relieved that she willingly indulges him and whips out a titty to try to breastfeed him.... you can probably guess what happens next...

19. Zombi 2 (1979)

Yes, more Italian exploitation goodness as this pseudo sequel to George A. Romero's Dawn of the Dead rocks the house with a mellow 80's synthesizer beat and features an underwater fight between a zombie and a shark!!! Directed by horror maestro Lucio Fulci, who is often referred to as the "Godfather of Gore", this film also features the infamous cringeworthy splinter-through-the-eye scene. I must admit that the dated effects, low budget, and slow burn moments won't appeal to most of today's audiences... but I have to say that I absolutely LOVE throwing this on when I have company over and watching everyone squirm during the disturbing scenes.

(Note: This film was released in Italy as an "unofficial" sequel to the European version of Dawn of the Dead, that's why this movie is called Zombi 2 despite what the cover says. The US renamed the film when we brought it over here.)

18. Stacy: Attack of the Schoolgirl Zombies (2001)

I know I'm going to get a lot of shit for even having this movie on the list, but I felt like this movie had its charm. Filled with giggling Japanese schoolgirls and blatant references to other films in the genre, I enjoy this film as a mind-numbing guilty pleasure. (Believe me, your mind WILL go a little numb after being assaulted by the non-stop giggling that fills this movie) I'm not even sure what it is about this movie that I enjoy so much. There's not even a good amount of nudity, it's just silly and makes me want to laugh every time I watch it. (Maybe the giggling brainwashes you into a giggling buffoon??) Either way, don't go too far out of your way to see this movie. Unless you can borrow a copy or find it at the bottom of some bargain bin.

17. SARS Wars: Bangkok Zombie Crisis (2004)

Now, here's a movie that I felt like I had to throw in here for the title alone. Capitalizing off of the media headlines about the SARS virus, this Thai zomcom (zombie comedy) features references to major films in the genre as well as Star Wars, Matrix, and other popular films. You really have to put your brain on pause for this one as the film takes all logic and throws it into a blender, adds a dash of Ladyboys for flavor, then combines it with silly Thai humor before shitting out a mind-melting mess that leaves you laughing at the sheer outrageousness of the images on screen. Lightsabers don't work because the batteries are dead, a giant snake that swallows a cat and a radio meows when it attacks while playing music from its belly, and there's even a guy who bites back when a zombies try to eat him! If you're looking for some truly mindless entertainment, look no further than SARS Wars.

(Note: it helps to be intoxicated to some degree while enjoying this film, in order to "enhance" your overall viewing experience.)

16. Zom-B-Movie [segment from Chillerama] (2011)

Okay, I must admit that I cheated a little with this one. I assume that no one would get this movie only to watch a single segment from it, so I felt like this film as a whole was an added bonus for the list. (Also, I have a total hard-on for anthology films) The film begins with a man digging a grave and burying a woman that we conclude is his wife. After he urinates on her corpse, she rises from the grave and bites his pecker off. He splatters blue goop everywhere (in Troma-esque fashion) and cue the title for our latest anthology film that throwsback to old Drive-In movies and is representative of the different decades in the genre. (50's-80's?) The zombie segment is at the end and sandwiches the film with the first segment, Wadzilla. These were probably my two favorite segments in the film as I laughed the hardest at these. I enjoyed the film as a whole but doubt any of these segments could stand alone as an individual film. So this film as a whole earns a spot on my list.

15. Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

For anyone who has followed me from the beginning, I think my second post on this blog (and my first attempt at a movie review) was about Poultrygeist. I feel that Troma films, in general, represent what this blog is all about!! Bad taste, messy splatter effects, and PLENTY of nudity to keep everyone happy. We're not here to read serious reviews about a bunch of politically correct bullshit... we're all here cause we're looking for something different. Our sense of humor is subversive, our tastes stray from the social norm, and we want to see things that are more outrageous and creative than big budget Hollywood spectacles that try to lure you in with flashy effects while neglecting the basic elements such as the STORY!!! Movies are primarily a visual experience, I accept that, but bloated budgets and stricter studio limitations sometimes cause Hollywood filmmakers to forget that they're actually storytellers. With the impressive visuals and heart-pounding soundtrack, there should still be a story unfolding. I don't always expect a grand story that causes me to think deeply and alters my perceptions every time I watch a movie, I just expect to be entertained. Part of being entertained is being able to be surprised at what happens next. If I can already guess the ending because the Prince always "lives happily ever after" with the Princess, then you've just lost the element of surprise. Another part of being entertained is being drawn into what's happening. If the movie is good, you stop trying to guess what happens next and you just sit back and enjoy it. To me, if you're "aware" enough to be trying to guess what happens next in the movie... then you're just getting restless because you're no longer engrossed in the film itself and just want to get on with the development of the story. Troma productions are always low budget but always manage to keep me entertained. Meaning that my mind shuts off and I'm just along for the ride. That's not to say that Troma scripts are award-winning material. Just that there is a lot of outrageous humor and, when there isn't, there's always a pair or two of boobies to keep you busy...

14. The Return of the Living Dead (1985)

And now, we get into some serious zombie fun! Return of the Living Dead was a laugh riot the first time I saw it and was the first movie to introduce the concept of zombies eating brains. Any zombie fan will tell you that watching all these films, reading the books, and playing the games all prepare you for a major zombie outbreak. Also, fans will always "size up" a zombie threat to see if they would be able to handle that particular outbreak. This one is different though. Not only do they talk, but the #1 rule for killing zombies (shoot them in the head) doesn't work with these zombies!!! You have to cut them up into little pieces and burn them. Not to mention that these things talk and seem to be relatively intelligent. I remember almost shitting myself when the zombies ambush a cop car and use the radio to call for "backup" then they would devour the help that arrived. Zombies that set traps? That's almost like the knife-throwing zombie in Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror.

My favorite scene has to be the one where the naked cadaver runs amok when released from the freezer after the zombie gas brings all the dead things back to life. A naked dude screaming and running then tackling someone is usually pretty funny, unless it happens to you....

13. Deadgirl (2008)

Now things start to get REALLY weird. I mentioned this movie briefly when I was still doing my "WTF?! Wednesdays" and that's because that's the first thing that came out of my mouth when the movie was over. So, the movie is about two high school boys who cut class and go hang out at an abandoned hospital. (Yeah, cause that's totally where high school kids would hang. Not at the skatepark or mall... but at an old abandoned hospital) They make their way into a sealed off room only to find a girl chained to a bed. At this point, they don't know that she's supposed to be a zombie... but two curious high school boys do what any high school boy would do if they found a woman covered in blood and chained to a bed... they fuck her!! As if that concept wasn't disturbing enough, one of the boys actually moves OUT of his house and starts living with this girl. (So he can tap that 24/7) The girl doesn't talk or cry out for help, all she does is try to bite. They finally realize she's a zombie when the boy physically assaults her but she doesn't die. Realizing that she can't die or feel pain, they start inviting their friends over to pimp out the zombie girl. One of the more bizarre zombie movies I've ever seen, this one's more about keeping a zombie as a sex slave than an all out zombie outbreak. As disturbing as this movie was, I couldn't look away. How do you even convince your friends to have sex with a zombie?! The reason this movie makes my list though is the strange feeling of disgust and arousal you get when you're done watching the movie. Leaves me a little confused about how I should be feeling because she's still a girl afterall, just undead and gross.

12. Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

You want to talk about zombies and arousal? We HAVE to talk about Resident Evil: Apocalypse. I've heard this movie bashed repeatedly for disappointing fans of the game by stealing cut scenes from the games and mixing them up with characters from the movie. I didn't much care for the first Resident Evil movie, even though Michelle Rodriguez was hot, this movie was more entertaining. I understand that the Resident Evil movie franchise hasn't exactly been faithful to the video game series, and I know that can be a big disappointment, but Milla Jovovich and Sienna Guillory are absolutely GORGEOUS. Nemesis from RE3 is in the movie and we get to see two hotties competing for screen time. What's not to like? Sure, there are more mutants than there are zombies... but I love watching hot chicks with big guns shoot at mutant freaks of any kind. I had fun with this movie and it still has been my favorite in the movie franchise to this day.

11. Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993)

Finally, the last movie where I'll mention the words "zombie", "hot", and "arousal" all in the same sentence. Return of the Living Dead 3 is basically why I think zombies can be hot. Melinda Clarke plays the girlfriend of a boy whose father is in the military. Because of this, they have to move around a lot but he doesn't want to go this time. They decide to runaway together but when they get into a horrible accident that kills her, the boy brings her to the base and exposes her to the zombie gas. This brings her back to life but now she's entirely different. She complains of an overwhelming hunger that nothing seems to satisfy. When a bunch of thugs try to mess with them, that's when she realizes what she's been craving this whole time. Trying her best not to eat people, she finds that cutting herself and causing physical pains subsides the hunger. This all culminates to a scene where they're being chased but she can no longer stop the hunger. She locks herself in a room and, right when it seems her boyfriend's going to get his ass kick, she emerges with pieces of metal and glass protruding from her body. She's revamped as a sexy zombie chick with all these sharp object sticking into her skin. As odd as this may sound, I think she looked WAY hotter with all the shit in her skin than she did before it. (Although Melinda Clarke is pretty hot in general) This was the first time that I saw a "hot" zombie. I mean, I prefer my women... ya know... living but this was definitely a situation where I thought she was hotter as a zombie girl. As long as she doesn't have any glass up her cooter, we could probably make it work....

That's just wrong...

10. The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988)

And now, we break into the Top 10!!! To kick this off, we have a movie that I've reviewed before. Of all the zombie movies I've mentioned so far, they were all of the undead variety. This is the one rare instance where a zombie movie means literally just that. Zombie. By definition, zombies can be anyone who wanders around mindlessly and is being controlled by another person. This movie delves into the mysticism surrounding Haitian Voodoo and centers around a botanist who was sent to Haiti to investigate a drug that turns people into "zombies". While digging too deep for his own good, he finds himself the target of angered Voodoo priest!! Based on a book by the same name, the idea that you can be far away from home when someone suddenly blows some poison powder in your face that paralyzes your body but leaves you conscious while you're being buried alive is an absolutely terrifying thought. This movie is scary for a different reason than worrying about an undead monster gnawing away at your flesh.

9. [REC] (2007)

A common way to explain the outbreak of "back from the dead" zombies is that it is the result of an unknown viral infection. Scary to think that a virus can bring people back from the dead, especially if you aren't sure how it spreads. (That seems to be the case in most of these zombie movies!) This one takes it a step further and places the victims in an apartment building that's on a quarantine lockdown. One of the things about a zombie outbreak is that you usually have ample room to move, usually traveling from one city to another. Tons of things to hide behind and anything can be turned into a weapon. This movie, however, starts with a spunky reporter who happens to be doing a news program on firefighters when they receive a call. She goes for a ride-along to an emergency call and ends up locked in the building with the firemen, a policeman, and the tenants living in the building. We watch the events unfold as if the video tape was found after the outbreak is over and we're reviewing the footage on the tape. This Spanish language film had many legitimately creepy scenes that the US remake found ways to totally fuck up. Despite being a shot-for-shot remake, the US version (Quarantine) with Jennifer Carpenter manages to dull and lacks the atmosphere of the original. One of my favorite foreign horror movies in recent memory. The ending in the original was WAY creepier in my opinion.

8. Night of the Living Dead (1990)

Yes, the one that started it all. The movie that completely redefined the word "zombie". But wait, what's this? I chose the remake over the original? BLASPHEMY!!!!! I'm sure to catch a lot of heat from die hard horror and zombie movie fans for picking the remake but let's be honest, the black and white 1968 version isn't going to scare anybody nowadays. That's not to say that I don't have mondo respect for the original, I've got to give credit where credit is due. The original film is a part of movie history and its influence is absolutely undeniable. With that said, this remake is a perfect update to an outdated classic. Directed by legendary special effects artist Tom Savini, who did the effects for Romero's follow up films Dawn of the Dead and Day of the Dead, this movie not only shows how a remake can be done properly but updates a classic horror gem in the process. There were subtle changes to the characters and stories but remained largely faithful to the original. Despite my personal preference for the remake, props still go to George A. Romero (the Godfather of all Zombies) for creating a timeless classic that spawned an entire subculture to follow in its footsteps.

7. Day of the Dead (1985)

Now, when I think of zombie movies, one movie in particular stands out above the rest when it comes to special effects. From the mind of evil genius Tom Savini, this movie features what HAS to be the most realistic special effects in any zombie... no, scratch that... in any horror movie I've ever seen. The zombie bites have realistic spurts of blood and you can see strands of flesh stretching and tearing away from the wound. The intestines in the movie don't just look like sausages covered in red food coloring, they look like somebody's guts just spilled out onto the floor. I must admit that this film took multiple viewings before it grew on me but once it did, the feeling of uneasiness and claustrophobia start to set in. The movie takes place underground in a military base, where the last few survivors are trapped trying to find a cure for the plague despite diminishing resources. You really get a feeling of being trapped and confined as there is little scenery other than the halls and walls of an underground mine. Top notch special effects from Savini make this a most memorable movie, the only reason it didn't place any higher on this list is due to the places where the story drags a bit. This is a definitely a slow burn type of film that builds up to a fantastic ending, but you have to have a love for this kind of movie or else it might be pretty hard to sit through.

6. Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Now, for something a little more lighthearted for all you hopeless romantics out there. This is probably the first commercially successful ZomRomCom and let me just say, this movie is Laugh Out Loud HILARIOUS!!!! This movie had me in stitches the first time I saw it... and the second... and the third.... the fourth... fuck, well, EVERY time I've seen it. This is a movie that I can literally watch a thousand times over and never tire of it. If you haven't seen this movie yet, do yourself a favor and go buy it ASAP. This movie is just so clever with such great dialogue that you'll find yourself quoting from it like some sort of weird Tourette's syndrome. The story that the everyman can relate to, getting dumped by your girlfriend for being too immature and irresponsible only to give up everything you love in this world to step up and be the man to save her from impending zombie doom. Okay, maybe not that last part but definitely the first part. This isn't a story about people with superhuman abilities fighting legions of the undead, it's just your average joe and his dimwitted buddy doing whatever they can to stay alive during a crisis. The relationship between the characters has a very real and genuine feel to them. Which makes you care THAT much more when something happens to them. Great movie that I think everyone should see at least one time, preferably on a date with a girl who's already very jumpy to begin with. Just tell her you're putting on a "Romantic Comedy".... (and don't do the "air quotes"!)

5. Bio Zombie (1998)

I first picked up this movie from an Amoeba record store on VHS when I was looking for some cheap entertainment with a buddy of mine. We hopped on the bus back to my place and ordered a pizza. We popped this baby in and laughed our asses off, nearly choking on the pizza we were scarfing down. (major munchies!) Jordan Chan, (who plays Master Chicken in one of my favorite gangster movie series of all time, Young and Dangerous) plays as the main character Woody Invincible. He and his buddy, Crazy Bee, are a couple of lackey gangsters that run a bootleg movie store for their "boss" when a zombie outbreak occurs and leaves them stuck in the mall. (Gee, why does that sound so familiar?) They are joined by the very sexy Angela Tong, a nerdy little sushi chef whose real name is Emotion Cheung, and a couple of other survivors. This movie really tickles my funny bone and, since I have such fond memories of it, provides a bit of nostalgic value in addition to how much I really enjoyed the film overall. One of my favorite scenes is when the sushi chef (after he's turned into a zombie) tries to distract a group of zombies by serving up an order of finger rolls. (Literally, pieces of sushi with fingers on top!) Highly recommended for fans of Chinese cinema and those who don't mind watching a Dawn of the Dead knockoff

On a hilarious side note: the DVD features several language and subtitle options including Engrish subtitles!!!! These were the original, poorly translated, English subs that the VHS version had. I fuckin love this movie....

4. Dawn of the Dead (2004)

For more shopping mall goodness, we've got the Dawn of the Dead remake. I was SO stoked for this movie to come out and had a blast watching it in theaters. This movie was one of the first to feature running zombies, (as opposed to the original shambling zombie archetype) a concept that has recently taken the zombie world by storm!!! Sarah Polley (whom you might remember from my review of the movie Go) plays a nurse who comes home from a long night only to awaken the next day in a world overrun by zombies!!! I don't feel the need to talk about this movie too much because it feels like this was one of the more popular zombie flicks in recent memory. This made such a big splash when it first came out, I'd be hard pressed to find someone who hasn't seen it. For years after this movie's release, it was THE zombie movie to watch. I've seen this movie so many times since it's release, it's ridiculous! Just as Night of the Living Dead (1968) redefined the term "zombies", this film reinvented the zombie for the new generation. We've got plenty of other films and video games that are based around running zombies now. There is a great cast of characters who share an interesting chemistry together. (Ving Rhames is as bad ass as he always is!) They aren't at each others throats like the group in NOTL, they mostly get along except for the dude who's harboring an infected wife carrying a zombie baby in her belly. (There's always got to be someone hiding the fact that they're infected, putting the entire group in danger)

3. Planet Terror (2007)

For those of you who missed this in theaters (BIG mistake) Planet Terror was released in a double feature with Death Proof under the banner title, Grindhouse. Even though I'm a big fan of these kinds of movies, I wasn't old enough to attend double features, drive-ins, etc. This was the first time in my life where I could pay one movie ticket price and watch two movies! (Without theater hopping anyway) This was one of those movies where the experience of watching it in a theater full of people is almost as important as the movie itself. This recreated the experience of watching a double feature grindhouse film, for a newer generation, complete with fake trailers sandwiched in between. (Funny enough, some of these "fake" trailers were actually turned into full length feature films!) There was a lot of star power behind this movie, including Bruce Willis who makes a brief cameo, it's nice to see that so much support went into the making of this film. The concept for the double feature was great but even as a standalone zombie film, this segment was wildly entertaining. Who else, but Tom Savini, would be providing effects for such a superb film? As expected with Savini's name attached, there are plenty of ooey gooey effects such as the geyser-like blood splatters whenever the zombies are shot. There are some truly disgusting effects in this movie (don't watch when eating!) and the film is just so much fun that you can't help but have a good time watching it. This is without a doubt, another one of my favorite movies of all time and I could watch it over a thousand times without tiring of it. In fact, there are plenty of times where I just throw it into the DVD player when I have some extra time to kill.

(Note: From what I hear, the Blu-Ray release of Grindhouse includes both movies as well as all the "fake" trailers in between. I wouldn't mind getting my hands on a copy of that!)

2. Zombieland (2009)

This is one of the best, if not THE best, zombie movie to come out in recent history. I know that a lot of people liked 28 Days Later and there are some other really good ones out there too. This one is just plain awesome though, from beginning to end. From the fantastic slow motion title sequence set to Metallica's For Whom the Bell Tolls to the final stand at an amusement park. The onscreen chemistry between Woody Harrelson's eccentric, loud, and sometimes obnoxious character blends perfectly with Jesse Eisenberg's softspoken, cautious, and wimpy personality, making for an explosively hilarious relationship. The contrast between the two setup some of the best gags in the movie!! Super hottie Emma Stone co-stars and Bill Murray makes a surprising yet hilarious cameo. The timing of the jokes are perfect, there's rarely a dull moment, and there was nothing to complain about when it came to the zombies. This film did everything right and as a result, produces a solid movie that anyone can enjoy whether you're into zombies or not. The only thing I can see people complaining about were the product placements for Twinkies, but I like Twinkies so I don't care. Besides, I'm sure a Twinkie would be a delicacy if the zombie apocalypse really happened. I know that movie made me want some afterwards!! Everyone just wants to be all health conscious and shit. I say fuck that. Go grab yourself a box of Twinkies, kick back with a couple buddies, and have an awesome movie night.

1. Dead Alive [a.k.a Braindead] (1992)

Finally, we've made it to my #1 favorite zombie movie of all time. Not surprisingly, it's touted at the "goriest movie of all time". Steeped heavily in the horror/comedy genre, this zombie film is the early work of none other than Peter Jackson!!! (Those of you who only know him for Lord of the Rings and the King Kong remake should really check out his earlier work to see what the man can really do with a smaller budget!) This movie tops my list for having some of the grossest gags, memorable lines, and most unrelenting torrents of blood (and other bodily fluids) to wash it all down. Whether it's the priest who exclaims that he "kicks ass for the lord" or the park scene where the main character is beating up a baby, it's a pretty funny throughout. I'm really a sucker for practical effects, versus CGI, so I enjoy this movie for pulling it all off without computers. In fact, the intro is done with miniatures which I found pretty interesting. As for gross gags, this movie is FILLED with them. From the moment the mom is first bitten to the unbelievable ending where she's actually the "final boss", this movie is a super gross out splatter comedy that anyone with a strong stomach would enjoy. I've actually had to stop the movie for a couple people I've shown it to because they said they were going to throw up. Definitely not for the squeamish or anyone with a weak constitution....

As I mentioned before, this is not an "official" list of any sort. I'm not saying these are in order of "best" zombie movies, just the ones that I enjoyed the most. If I had to list ALL my favorites, that list could go on forever. Plus, there are some movies that I haven't seen yet like Survival of the Dead, Dance of the Dead, or Tokyo Zombie. I was going to put up honorable mentions, but I feel like that would've turned into another list of its own. So I'll leave that up to you guys... I'm curious, zombie fans, what are some of your favorite zombie movies?

Update

2012-01-25T17:05:00.001-08:00

Let me start off by wishing everyone a Happy Chinese New Year!!!

I know that I've completely neglected this blog for entirely too long and would like to apologize to any readers who have stayed loyal and kept returning. I don't expect to pick right back up where I started because honestly, so much has changed in my personal life. So for anyone who cares to read, this is an update on what's been going on in my life and how it has affected this blog.

Looking back, I've been neglecting my baby since April of 2011. I was trying to diversify by reviewing video games and whatever other interests I had at the moment (at the time, it was ALL about the Mortal Kombat game that was coming out) I figured that since I started this blog based on my interests, I could just write off the top of my head. After posting a bunch about MK and other video game related news, I took a step back and really looked at my blog. I was telling people that I wrote a blog about horror movies but when you visited my site, all you would see were a bunch of Mortal Kombat videos. That's when I decided that there needed to be some major changes to the Z-portal.

First off, I felt like all the video game reviews were watering down my material (Kinda funny since I never thought Mortal Kombat would water anything down!) but I definitely felt like I was losing my focus. So I spent some time trying to divide up the blog into subcategories and tried looking for people to help write some reviews. I wanted a separate blog for Horror movie reviews because that was my true passion, plus I know there are enough horror freaks out there to cater to. I wanted another blog for my Kung Fu, Martial Arts, Action, and Adventure reviews. I wanted yet another blog for Video Game reviews and any other similar interests. So I spent a lot of time trying to flesh out the details while preparing for a move from NorCal to SoCal.

Needless to say, I got overwhelmed with all that I had on my plate in addition to personal problems I was going through and I gave up on something I really loved doing. The move itself went horribly. I lost my cameras during the move and was upset about how things were going overall. Once I finally started getting settled in, I got a new computer and lost a bunch of stuff from my old one. So I'm in an entirely new place with a new computer in a new year. I also have a new outlook on a lot of things.

During all the success this blog has had, I've been changing things up to try to keep up with a growing audience. What I feel like I've lost sight of is the reason I started this blog to begin with. I wanted an outlet to tell people about the kind of movies that I enjoyed. Basically, I got tired of watching the same old boring crap over and over again and wanted a better system to recommending films. Z-portal is support to be a community where movie lovers like myself can go to share their views about movies that the general public might look down on. This is supposed to be haven for the strange, bizarre, obscure, overlooked, under-appreciated, and forgotten films. This is supposed to be a collection of the misfit films that you wouldn't normally hear about in the LA Times or other mainstream media. I started this blog because I was very pissed off. Primarily at Hollywood pumping up remakes and sequels, watering down the quality of our entertainment. I watch movies to be entertained, damn it. I don't watch them so a bunch of Hollywood bigwigs can take my money in exchange for the same stinkin log of wet shit repackaged in a nice crunchy candy coating. I want something fresh, something I'm not used to seeing. New ideas, creative freedom, NO LIMITS!!!

So with a recharged passion and a newfound focus, I would like to welcome everyone to a new year with a new Z-portal. There will still be many changes happening behind the scenes but there will no longer be empty promises of reviews to come. Thank each and every one of you who come to visit this site, your support is truly appreciated. Time to deliver on those promises!!!

-Boogeyman

WINNER of Cinema Sewer Contest!!!

2011-12-13T11:19:00.000-08:00

Sorry everyone, I was out of town for a couple days so I didn't get a chance to post. I tried contacting the winner, but realized that I hadn't posted on here yet. So Tiffany Leigh, come on down!!!!! You are the winner of a free copy of Robin Bougie's newest Cinema Sewer book. I thought he was going to post a comment on my blog announcing the winner, but he emailed it to me instead. So this is what he had to say:

Ok, so what I did was narrow it down to three finalists based on a criteria of what I thought were the best movies that recognized the structure and theme of the post apocalypse film. Anyone who picked Escape From New York was disqualified, as it is unfortunately is not a P.A. film. It's awesome, but not P.A. Also dropped anyone for listing a Romero zombie movie, as those fit better defined as, duh, "zombie films". Then I put the three finalists in a hat and drew the name at random:

The three finalists were;

Pweng Bee
Tiffany Leigh
Stevie B

.........and the Winner is:

Tiffany Leigh

So if you'd like to contact US, shoot me an email over at wes.ha86@gmail.com and let me know where you would like the book sent!!! Thanks everyone for all your answers, I had fun just reading them. Congratulations to Tiffany and thank you all for reading.

FREE Cinema Sewer Vol. 3 Giveaway!!!

2011-11-21T10:51:00.001-08:00

I would like to apologize to all my readers as I've been promising to return to reviews and this blog that I've neglected for the past several months. I have moved recently, from NorCal to SoCal, and have had a BITCH of a time trying to get everything set up down here. I wanted to expand the blog and get more writers to help but I'm in the process of working that out still. Instead of boring you guys with the details, lets get to the contest!!!

My pal Robin Bougie has released the 3RD volume of his ridiculously awesome zine called, Cinema Sewer. (Some of you may remember the plug I did for him way back) But my guess is that if you're reading this post, chances are you already know all about him and you're just here to sign up for the giveaway.

So, the contest is.... Name Your Top 5 Favorite Post-Apocalyptic Movies (and, of course, a way to contact you should you win!) and I will choose a winner about a month from now. (So the lucky winner will be getting a Christmas present from the Z-portal!!!) Leave your responses in the comments section below...

This book actually released about mid-October and I ordered 2 copies so I could give one away on this blog. My apologies to my readers and to all the Cinema Sewer fans who missed out on the chance to enter this contest and get a copy of this book when it was hot off the press!!! For those of you who haven't already ordered you book directly from Cinema Sewer (Robin does a custom drawing for the inside cover of the book for you, so it's more of a keepsake for his readers) enter the contest and get a FREE copy of this most awesome book with a custom cover for the Z-portal! (drawn by the man himself, The Bougieman)

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And for MY readers, I swear I have not forgotten about you guys. (Although some of you have probably forgotten me by now!) When I was going through a hard time in my life last year, my readers were VERY supportive. I am merely trying to stay afloat right now but once I get back on my own two feet... I promise that the Z-portal will return... BIGGER than ever.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

2011-08-24T01:01:00.000-07:00

A Nightmare on Elm Street (USA, 2010) - Color, Director(s): Samuel Bayer
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
Approx. 95 min.

Z-rating: 5 out of 5 stars

B-factor: 2 out of 5 stars

A full remake of the original, this movie follows a bunch of teens in high school plagued by nightmares of a man with a burnt face that has been keeping them up at night. One teen in particular, who is eating at a diner in a failing attempt to stay awake, becomes the first (onscreen) victim of Freddy. (Although this appears to be a suicide in reality) At the funeral is where some of his friends notice pictures of them playing together as children, although these friends don't have any recollection of having been friends before high school. While trying to piece together their history, the kids of Elm Street are being picked off one by one in their dreams.

While staying loyal to the storyline of the original, I can now understand the decision to replace Englund as Freddy... despite the outraged fans. The fact that they replaced him with Jackie Earle Haley (Rorschach from Watchmen) was an absolutely GENIUS decision!!! I think that Freddy is infinitely scarier if you can imagine being haunted by Rorschach.... in your nightmares... *shivers*

Nudity: None that I could really remember....

Gore: This movie was very bloody (as expected) but surprisingly wasn't too visceral. American Horror films tend to have more graphic/shocking violence in an attempt to make the squeamish look away. This remake relied more on setting a creepy tone rather than shove a pile of guts in your face. Kudos for that!

Awesome: Very. So I finally got around to watching this remake (all while expecting it to most likely be a dud) and was pleasantly surprised to find how much I really enjoyed this film. I think like most other fans of the original Nightmare on Elm Street, I was quick to dismiss this remake because of the decision to cast another actor in the role of Freddy instead of going with Robert Englund whom we've all grown to love. I also noticed a scene in the trailer that was in the original (where Freddy comes through the wall at Nancy) but was remade completely in CGI. Now, we all know how much I hate and despise bad CGI... so I put off seeing this movie for a long time.

What I really liked about the film was the fact that they made him actually CREEPY rather than the original Freddy's character, which got more and more silly with each sequel that was pumped out. This new Freddy, despite already being scary because he's also Rorschach, is a much darker and more serious Freddy. He says creepy things like how the brain functions for 7 minutes after the heart stops beating. This new Freddy seemed to be more genuinely creepy to me, with his raspy voice and twisted laugh.

What I didnt like about the film was how the lights would flicker to signify they had crossed over into a dream. The original was really good because they blurred the lines of reality with the dreamworld so well that you couldn't tell when the characters were sleeping. This and the bad CGI were probably my only two complaints about this remake.

Interestingly enough, what got me interested in seeing the remake was the fact that Mortal Kombat released Freddy Krueger as a downloadable character. Check out this quick Vignette (that I thought was pretty hilarious!):

After seeing that, I HAD to watch the remake to see why they put the new Freddy Krueger on the game instead of the old one. I have to say, I'm quite impressed...

Rampage (2009)

2011-07-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

Rampage (Canada/Germany, 2009) - Color, Director(s): Uwe Boll
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
Approx. 85 min.

Z-rating: 5 out of 5 stars

B-factor: 2 out of 5 stars

Wow.... is, without a doubt, the first word that comes to mind when I think of this movie. First off, let me say that this movie isn't for everyone. Most happy, functional people will probably be turned off by the amount of seemingly senseless violence in this film. (What the FUCK are you doing reading this blog?? Get outta here, you're in the wrong place!!!) Now, those of you that are left should be a crowd of dysfunctional, angry, cold, bitter people who despise a majority of the assholes we're forced to put up with on a daily basis. We were probably the target audience for Uwe Boll's surprisingly good movie about cold-blooded revenge.

Bill Williamson (Brendan Fletcher) is a 23 year old male living at home with his parents. Conversation over breakfast leads to the topic of him moving out and getting his own place, a sort of quasi-eviction notice from the parents' house. Trying to go about his day, he goes down to his local coffee shop to grab a quick drink of bean juice but runs into a stereotypical asshole of a barista. Despite obviously despising his surroundings, he waits patiently and plans. In the basement, he builds a suit made of Kevlar plates and prepares for his onslaught upon the unsuspecting city. The chaos that ensues is like something out of a video game. Ever play a game like GTA and, instead of doing missions to progress in the game, you just kill everybody you come across and cause as much destruction as you can before the police are able to stop you? That's basically what this film is. This movie is pretty much the fantasy that we all entertain when we're tired of dealing with the same stupid people, every single day. Uncompromising, cold-blooded, and unflinchingly violent in its resolve, this is the movie Falling Down wished it could be.

I could not have asked for a better movie, so it came as an ABSOLUTE surprise when I found out that this film was directed by Uwe Boll. Really? House of the Dead's Uwe Boll? Wow. Again. You see, only those who have seen Uwe Boll's movies can fully appreciate how terrible his movies really were but will undoubtedly be shocked to find what a powerful, entertaining, and masterfully made movie this really is. The storytelling, the unflinching violence, and heavy metal soundtrack blend perfectly to give us what has to be.... without a shadow of a doubt.... the greatest mass murder/multiple-shootings movie ever made!!! Giving us an almost eerie look into the mind of a modern day sociopath. (i.e. the kids involved in the Columbine and V-Tech shootings)

Nudity: Male only. You see the main character's butt briefly when he's changing clothes towards the end.

Gore: Many people are killed in a blaze of gunfire when the main character goes on his "rampage". Many are shown being shot as they're running away but there is one particular scene where he gathers a group of defenseless women in a hair salon and executes the lot of them. Absolutely brutal.

Awesome: to the MAX!!!!!!! This movie will undoubtedly be dismissed as an exercise in senseless violence but I honestly think that there is something deeper to this movie than what might be seen at a glance. Ignoring the fact that this is an Uwe Boll film, which is absolutely UNBELIEVABLE in itself, I think this film not only accurately depicts the chaos that plays out in the sick fantasies that we all entertain in our own heads... this film is scary on a different level because it's not about some invincible machete-wielding killer, it's about your average Joe who has been sitting back and plotting his cold and calculating revenge. This is something that not only can happen, it HAS happened before. In fact, as I write this review, I hear from friends that an incident where a man went on a rampage and killed 80 people, blew up building (embassy?), and had a final stand against the police. This is a fucked up world we all live in, we would all do well to treat others with the respect we would all like to have. You never know when you might push the wrong person too far...

Mortal Kombat: Legacy - Ep. 6 - Raiden

2011-05-17T02:55:00.000-07:00

Mortal Kombat: Legacy - Ep. 5 - Kitana & Mileena (Part 2)

2011-05-11T07:14:00.000-07:00

When Hamburgers Attack...

2011-05-07T18:46:00.000-07:00

A bunch of graduates from a French school of animation put together this crazy ass short of hamburgers going crazy and eating people. The short is titled "Hambuster" and is about a guy who goes to the park for lunch and ends up biting off more than he can chew, if ya know what I mean. Check it out guys, it's pretty awesome...

Free Comics Day + Forum

2011-05-07T10:30:00.000-07:00

As many of you may have noticed, we're already a week into May and there hasn't really been any new posts on the blog. That's because I've been busy working on my new forum lately!!! I noticed that sometimes I would find information that I wanted to share with my readers, only it wasn't enough information to write an entire blog post about. So I decided to start a forum to compliment this blog and have tried to integrate it into the blog here:

http://z-portal.blogspot.com/p/forum.html

There isn't much on the forum yet since it's just starting out, but I'm spending a lot more of my time over there. Furthermore, this blog feels like it's limited in terms of interactivity. Some of you may have noticed that I updated the comments section a little bit to make conversations more fun, but this blog is still mostly my thoughts and opinions. With the forum, my readers can now interact with each other and share anything they find on the net as well!! So I encourage all of you to swing by the forum and sign up. Join the community and let your voice be heard.

(Note: The forum is just a pool to dump all the stuff I come across, I will draw from this pool of information when I need to construct a blog post. Go to the forum and help add to the information pool or just go there to check out anything that's already up)

Also, for those of you who don't know, today is Free Comic Book Day!!! So to all you comic lovers out there, check your local comic shop to see if they're giving away any free comics today. Check the official site to see if they have a listing of participating shops near you. For people here in San Francisco, here's a list of some shops participating in the 2011 Free Comic Book Day:

http://sf.funcheap.com/free-comic-book-day-bay-area/

Or check out the official website: http://freecomicbookday.com/

Mortal Kombat: Legacy - Ep. 4 - Kitana & Mileena (Part 1)

2011-05-03T09:30:00.000-07:00

A pretty cool animated episode but with more backstory than action. Still pretty cool though, totally sets up for the next episode which should have some real fighting.

Mortal Kombat: Legacy - Ep. 3 - Johnny Cage

2011-04-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

You Got Caged! This episode features Johnny Cage and his struggle to get some acting work.

See Mortal Kombat: Legacy Episode 1
See Mortal Kombat: Legacy Episode 2

Call of Duty: Black Ops "Escalation" trailer

2011-04-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

OMFG, Call of Duty Black Ops is getting another map pack named Escalation which features a brand new zombie level called Call of the Dead. Dedicated to, and also guest starring, the King of Zombies himself... George A. Romero. Also starring an all star cast made up of Robert Englund (Nightmare on Elm Street), Danny Trejo (From Dusk Till Dawn), Sarah Michelle Gellar (The Grudge), and Michael Rooker (Slither) as a group of survivors?? Alright... who else just creamed their pants?

MK-mania

2011-04-23T13:57:00.000-07:00

IT HAS BEGUN!!!

Hello everyone, and welcome to MK-mania here at the Z-portal!!! I've noticed the overwhelming amount of Mortal Kombat themed posts and decided to tie them all together here. So, in celebration of the release of the hottest fighting game out on the market, we bring you... Mortal Kombat-mania!!!

First off, everyone here should know the MK franchise. A popular fighting game released in 1992, Mortal Kombat has since made a name for itself by reveling in blood-soaked violence and explicit gore. The franchise has now spawned at least 9 sequels, 2 movies, and couple different television/series incarnations. Here at the Z-portal, we started with the movies and worked our way over to the games. So we'd like to offer you guys:

Movies:

Mortal Kombat (1995)

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

Video Games:

Mortal Kombat: Kollector's Edition (2011)

2011 Web Series:

Mortal Kombat Legacy Episode 1

Mortal Kombat Legacy Episode 2

Enjoy everyone!!!

REVIEW: Mortal Kombat: Kollector's Edition

2011-04-23T11:52:00.000-07:00

Mortal Kombat: Kollector's Edition (2011)

This is my review of the super awesome new Mortal Kombat video game out now for the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360. As I've been ranting about for the past few weeks, I've been SUPER stoked since pre-ordering the Kollector's Edition (with the bookends) on Amazon. I made the choice to pre-order on Amazon because of the classic character skins available. If you pre-ordered at Best Buy, you would get a classic Sub-Zero costume. Pre-ordering at Gamestop would get you a classic Scorpion skin. I pre-ordered mine at Amazon for the classic Reptile skin. I actually liked Sub-Zero's and Scorpion's new costumes so I opted for Reptile because green ninjas are awesome. I know I promised that I was going to review this box set at least three full days ago but after I threw this game into the console, the next thing I knew... two days had passed! I'm lucky I was able to put the game down long enough to even start writing this thing, so let's get down to it!!!

First off, let me just say that this game is definitely Mature. So if either you or your child is sensitive to gore or gallons of the red stuff spewing out from gaping wounds, this is NOT the game for you. (Also, you need to stop reading and leave this blog at once!!) Any blurb or review you read on the net will mention how this is a "return to roots" for this game (and what a return it is!). MK made a name for itself by being excessively violent when other fighting games weren't. Building its reputation by pushing the envelope on violence in video games, the MK series surprised fans and critics alike when they co-produced a game with DC Comics that resulted in a T for Teens rating. (Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe) I admit that the game was an interesting concept but I prefer to consider it a nice alternative that I keep separated from the MK canon. (An MK game without blood and guts, how ridiculous!!! That's like them making a Mortal Kombat movie that's rated PG-13 or something...)

In addition to the bloody mayhem that's to be expected from this series, Mortal Kombat also touts having the deepest story mode in any fighting game. This has been apparent with the series since the introduction of Konquest mode in Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance, the story modes in the MK series are so much fun that they even made an adventure game spin-off with Liu Kang and Kung Lao called Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks. (HIGHLY recommended co-op adventure game for MK fans) A deeply-involved story makes this game more than just a fighting game, it's a pretty well-rounded game with TONS of replay value. This game connects all of the stories from the past Mortal Kombat games and packages it up nicely with improved graphics and even more violent fatalities. (it's every fanboy's wet dream!)

The story picks up right after Mortal Kombat: Armageddon, with Shao Kahn winning and gaining an enormous amount of power that makes him nearly invincible. Despite Raiden's best efforts to stop him, Kahn overpowers Raiden, forcing him to send visions to his past self. Meanwhile, Raiden from the first Mortal Kombat tournament receives these visions and now you must work to try to alter the future outcome of the Mortal Kombat tournaments. This new game re-visits all of the past MK games and ties everything together very nicely.

Along with improved moves for some characters, and the return of Combo Breakers, comes the new X-ray system which features bone-crunching detail as the damage done to the opponent is shown in full X-ray glory. One thing that you'll notice when you first pick up the controller is the ease with which you'll be able to control the characters. With a more responsive fighting system, veterans and newcomers alike will be able to chain combos and execute special moves with ease. Fatalities have also become easier to pull off, making the overall gaming experience more satisfying when you defeat your opponent. (I'm partial to the PlayStation 3 version myself just because I'm a console gamer and the PlayStation controllers feel the most comfortable in my hands for fighting games. If I already owned a PS3, I definitely would've picked this game up for that system instead. However, the smooth and responsive control system made adapting to the layout of the Xbox controller relatively painless)

Different gameplay modes also add more depth to the game such as the Challenge Tower, which gives players fun little side missions to complete for more Koins to unlock secrets. (Test Your Might, Test Your Sight, Kill Zombies, etc.) In multiplayer mode, there's one-on-one or two-on-two battles with MK featuring a new smoother tag system that makes fighting with your friends more interesting. I totally think there should be a tag team X-ray move, which there isn't, but the X-rays alone are a fantastic addition to the MK experience. Fanboy fantasies aside, I have no REAL complaints about the way this game plays. The 3D characters and environments returning to the original 2D fighting platform proves to be a winning combination. Simply the best Mortal Kombat to date.

These are the reason I decided to go for the Kollector's Edition as opposed to the Tournament Edition. Although the Tournament Edition comes with a joystick, these video game bookends were totally bad ass and I felt like they'd be more useful to me than a clunky joystick. (I might've gone for the Tournament Edition if it included the bookends as well) These highly detailed bookends feature Scorpion pushing his spear through a wall and Sub-Zero getting impaled on the other side of it. These will look fantastic up on a shelf, bordering a stack of video games or movies violent enough to be deemed worthy of being held up by MK bookends.

Here are a couple different angles of the bookends

SO friggin' awesome. I will enjoy decorating my future room with these bad ass bookends, no doubt. Now, a look at what else comes in this box set:

Sorry, don't be fooled by my picture. The black thing on the left with Scorpion printed on it is just the cover to the book in the middle, The Art of Mortal Kombat. The book is approx. 110 pages and contains concept art for each of the characters as well as information on the various stages in the game. In addition to the classic (Reptile, Sub-Zero, or Scorpion) costume that comes with your pre-order, every set comes with a classic Ermac costume (Red Ninja) and downloadable MK-inspired Avatars for your Xbox Live or PSN accounts. There is also some DLC that comes along with the game, although it didn't specify what it is and I'm not connected to Live... so maybe someone else can shed a little light on what this might be?

So, the new Mortal Kombat game is easily the strongest in the series and I am PROUD to say that I own the Kollector's Edition set. I would give this game a full rating of 10 out of 10 for being part of my favorite fighting game franchise and for being an AWESOME addition to the series. I have been a major fan of all the games ever since the series started. I can remember going to my buddy's house when I was just a kid and playing the first Mortal Kombat on his SNES. I remember LOVING every Mortal Kombat up until Mortal Kombat Trilogy. I must admit, I hated when the environments in the series went 3D because I was just so used to the 2D fighting platform. The later series on the PS2 had totally awesome intros but the fighting mechanics were strange and just didn't feel like Mortal Kombat anymore. This was also the birth of their story mode, or Konquest mode, which proved to be even better than the fighting aspect in some ways. Being able to harness the best of both aspects, they have a created a nice little niche for themselves and ensured that MK will be here to stay. Shaolin Monks was my favorite MK game on the PS2 and they proved they can be more than just a fighting game. Overall, this new game is a fantastic new addition to the MK family and is the strongest in the series without a doubt. HIGHLY recommended for fans and newcomers alike. Do yourself a favor and go buy a copy of this game ASAP. You will not be disappointed.

My apologies to all my readers, I know I promised this was going up on 4.20.11, although I wanted to put a little effort into it and take some good pictures. I hope you all enjoyed the review and I hope I was able to provide a little insight into this amazing video game. I don't get paid to promote this item and I'm not getting any freebies from them. I'm trying to spread the word on this game for no other reason than the fact that I absolutely LOVE the series and this new game. I figured that my readers who share the same interests would appreciate knowing what comes in the Kollector's Edition set. I'm not getting anything out of advertising for these guys so just know that I'm recommending this game because I genuinely enjoy it. I hope you all do too.

UFC 129: St-Pierre vs. Shields

2011-04-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

Are you serious?! When was the last time UFC put on a fight like this?? GSP is the fuckin' MAN and Jake Shields is supposed to be like Houdini on the ground. This will only be my second time watching Shields fight, but I am definitely excited to see him go for GSP's title. Add to that, Randy Couture is going to be fighting Lyoto Machida?? That's going to be fun to watch just because. Machida is one of the most elusive and unorthodox fighters out there in MMA, it'll be fun to see a veteran like Couture gets his hands on him. Randy Couture is fuckin LEGENDARY status, if anyone could beat Machida.... I wouldn't put it past Couture to be the one to surprise everybody. Just unbelievable.... I know what I'll be doing Saturday night.

Happy 420 to the Potheads!!!

2011-04-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

To all the Stoners, Potheads, Hippies, Gangstas, and everyone else that's celebrating today by lighting up and getting high outta their fucking minds... I wish you all a Happy 4/20!!! I was going to review a couple of stoner comedies that I think everyone would enjoy... but then I got high....

Mortal Kombat: Legacy Episode 2

2011-04-20T07:24:00.000-07:00

Always just a couple days behind, keep up with the series as I wait for my copy of Mortal Kombat to come in the mail. There will be a review of the game and box set when I get it.

See Mortal Kombat: Legacy Episode 1
See Mortal Kombat: Legacy Episode 3

REVIEW: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

2011-04-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (USA, 1997) - Color, Director(s): John R Leonetti
MPAA Rating: PG-13
[UK: 15 (cut)]
Approx. 95 min.

Z-rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars for purely bad entertainment value

B-factor: 5 out of 5 stars for being SUPER cheesy despite a bigger budget

With the release of the new Mortal Kombat game today, Z-portal is reviewing the second Mortal Kombat movie. (Also, check out my review of the first Mortal Kombat film) I have pre-ordered my copy of Mortal Kombat from Amazon and will be doing a detailed review of the boxset when I receive it in the mail. Stay tuned!!!

Following the victory by Liu Kang, the portals to Outworld should be closed at least until the next Mortal Kombat tournament. However, an evil emperor by the name of Shao Khan has arrived to ensure the destruction of the Earth within 6 days. Raiden and the other of Earth's warriors don't get a chance to relax following their victory before having to face this new threat. We also see that most of Earth's warriors, with the exception of Liu Kang and Kitana, have all had some kind of facial reconstructive surgery. Maybe as a result of winning the tournament, Liu Kang got to keep his face. Either way, we now see that Raiden looks more like James Remar (who plays a completely inferior Raiden than Christopher Lambert) and we are introduced to our newest visitors from Outworld. We see that the Generals of Khan's army consists of Motaro, Ermac, Rain and Sheeva. In a confrontation that results in Johnny Cage's death, Earth's warriors are forced to retreat. With Khan's extermination squads hot on their heels, they desperately try to recruit a little help as Sonya Blade is sent to get her partner Jax. Kitana and Liu Kang are sent out to look for Nightwolf and Raiden goes to see the Elder Gods to see why Khan's portals were allowed to stay open. Khan has also brought Queen Sindel back to life under his spell. Liu Kang and Kitana are on their way to see Nightwolf when they're attacked by the cybernetic Smoke. Sub-Zero's younger brother comes to their aid before they're attacked by Scorpion who successfully kidnaps Princess Kitana. Sonya finds Jax and is attacked by Cyrax. The Earth warriors are led to believe that Queen Sindel is the key to closing Khan's portals so they frantically try to reunite the two. I'm sure the storyline sounds very confusing, and in all actuality, is a bit of a chore to follow. Some characters are introduced only to be killed off for absolutely no reason, some storylines don't lead anywhere, glaring plot holes and horrendous CGI is accented by loose ends that are never tied up in the plot. While there is a story here, it is so haphazardly thrown together that it's almost a complete waste of time to try to follow it. They just tried to cram as many Mortal Kombat elements into this film as they could. I give them kudos for the costumes, which looked amazing, but the dialogue and computer-generated effects were so poorly done, it was almost insulting. Basically, Liu Kang needs to learn his Animality in order to fight Shao Khan. And Raiden gives up his immortality to side with his precious mortals. I'm sure there are details that I'm missing, but you probably wont even notice.

Man, so you want to talk cheesy? This movie was SO freakin' cheesy, it's totally laughable. I remember being really surprised when I first read some negative reviews of this movie. I had seen it in theaters as a kid and remembered really enjoying it myself. So then why did this sequel, which featured a WIDE array of characters that wasn't in the first, garner such negative attention? Wasn't until I rented the movie and re-watched it did I realize how absolutely horrendous the dialogue in this film was. My favorite line:

"You did great last time, Liu, but this time you will need help with what you are about to face. Go deep into the night. Seek out the council of one called Nightwolf. You will not find him, HE will find you."

You can't make this shit up, it's like it was written by someone in middle school.

Nudity: None, as it was rated PG-13. Although, one thing I will compliment about this movie is that Jade was STUPID hot in her skimpy snow rags and I absolutely LOVE that Sonya and Mileena duke it out in a mud-fight. These scenes were enough to make it an enjoyable movie, but a horrible adaptation of the Mortal Kombat series.

Gore: NONE!!!! Are you fucking serious?! One of the biggest reasons Mortal Kombat is popular is because of the violence. Seriously, how do you make a Mortal Kombat movie that's rated PG-13??? The first one got away with it because they at least attempted to make a good movie.

Awesome: Somewhat. The dialogue was abysmal and the movie was very poorly executed overall. The only thing that really saved this movie was how laughably bad it was. The story is nearly pointless, the computer-generated effects are terrible, This movie is definitely comparable to the Street Fighter movie in terms of how laughably bad it is. So there you have it, the tagline for this movie is perfect. Destroy All Expectations, that's good advice seeing as you can't be disappointed if you don't expect much to begin with. This movie is DEFINITELY cheesy and bad. Just know that the only reason to see this film is just to have a good laugh at how bad it is.

Check out my review of the original, Mortal Kombat (1995)

What's Your Favorite Scary Movie?

2011-04-14T15:20:00.000-07:00

In honor of Scream 4's release tomorrow, I would like to know. What's your favorite scary movie?

Yam Laranas' New Viral Campaign

2011-04-14T11:50:00.000-07:00

Those of you who frequent my blog will remember a review I did of a movie called The Echo by director Yam Laranas. The guys over Bloody-Disgusting have the scoop on Yam Laranas' new viral campaign for his latest film, Nobody Leaves. (They've also got the video on there too) There aren't any details for the film just yet, but Yam did release a viral video on his blog.

REVIEW: Mortal Kombat (1995)

2011-04-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

Mortal Kombat (USA, 1995) - Color, Director(s): Paul W.S. Anderson
MPAA Rating: PG-13
[UK: 15]
Approx. 101 min.

Z-rating: 3 out of 5 stars for pure nostalgic entertainment

B-factor: 3 out of 5 stars for how cheesily the movie was executed

With the new Mortal Kombat game on the way, I thought it was only appropriate that I reviewed the movies in preparation for its release. (I will also be doing a detailed review of the MK: Kollector's Edition box set when mine comes in the mail. YEAH!!!) I was in elementary school when this film first dropped. I don't remember a living soul that wasn't into the video games and anybody who was anyone saw this movie when it came out. Of course, I had to be one of the cool kids in school (I was lucky enough to rent this bad boy on VHS!!! Ooooooh yeeaaahh) so I was, no doubt, on the playground talking to all the other kids about how awesome Goro looked and how we probably would've appreciated some more blood and fatalities. (Yes! Even as a kid!!)

The film begins with a flashback of Shang Tsung (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa) defeating one of Earth's fighters in Mortal Kombat. When the dream sequence ends, we find that these are the nightmares that haunt Earth's greatest champion, Liu Kang (played by Robin Shou). Unable to deal with the loss of his younger brother, he seeks answers at the Temple of Light. This is where he first meets Lord Raiden, God of Thunder, but still leaves doubtful of the whole tournament to protect Earth realm from foreign invaders. We cut to two other of Earth's fighters, Johnny Cage and Sonya Blade. On the Hollywood set of some film, Johnny Cage (Linden Ashby) is filming his latest action epic when an extra flubs the scene. He's approached by his "agent", who's really Shang Tsung in disguise, and is told about a tournament where he can demonstrate the validity of his skills to the world. Sonya Blade (played by the lovely but mean looking Bridgette Wilson), on the other hand, is a special forces agent with her partner Jax Briggs. They are on a sting operation to take down Kano (excellently acted by Trevor Goddard, who made him my favorite character in the movie), a boss in the criminal underworld. These fighters are invited to participate in a tournament known as Mortal Kombat, but the details of the tournament are a bit vague. (Kinda feels like Enter the Dragon thus far)

They all hop on a leaky boat and start off for some island where the tournament will be held. Bruce Le... um... Liu Kang and the other Earth fighters have a run-in with two of Outworld's fighters, Scorpion (Chris Casamassa, whom some of you might remember as "The Red Dragon" from WMAC Masters) and Sub-Zero. Raiden (Christopher Lambert, who is jocking for first place with Trevor[Kano] for best performance) puts an end to that shit before it starts... but it's already become clear that these aren't your run-of-the-mill fighters. Earth's fighters gather around as Lord Raiden fills them in on the details of their presence in this tournament. The evil sorcerer Shang Tsung has lead the fight against Earth Realm in a tournament called Mortal Kombat. Winning nine consecutive victories, Outworld can conquer Earth Realm if Shang Tsung and his fighters were to win a tenth MK tournament in a row. Realizing that they were Earth's final hope, the fighters band together and prepare to take on their greatest enemy. If they are not successful, then Earth Realm is doomed.

IT HAS BEGUN!!!!! MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!!

The theme song was stuck in everybody's head for YEARS to come. I don't know anyone who can't hum the beat to the MK song. In fact, all you have to do is scream "IT HAS BEGUN" and I guarantee that somebody will finish it by yelling back, "MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!!" as you both start to hum the beat. I think these films, and the video game franchise, have a lot of nostalgic value to people who grew up during the height of MK popularity. Another thing that I found really interesting were the connections that I found between this movie and WMAC Masters. Apparently, one of the fighters on the show was the original character model for Liu Kang and Shang Tsung in the first game. (Ho-Sung Pak, who was "Superstar" on the show.) There was also the aforementioned Chris Casamassa (Scorpion) and Hakim "The Machine" Alston, who played the dude that Liu Kang defeats in the opening rounds of the tournament and gets his soul stolen by Shang Tsung.

Nudity: None, this movie was rated PG-13. But I must say that Sonya Blade looked VERY sexy as she snapped Kano's neck like a twig.

Gore: None. There was barely even any blood in this movie and I feel like that's where the biggest mistake in this movie lies. How can you possibly make a movie based on the most violent fighting game franchise in history but have it be PG-13?!?!? Does anyone else see a problem with this? As a stand alone film, the MK movie was great. I enjoyed it and found it very entertaining. There were a couple of "nods" to the video game series if you look out for them. And some of the characters, especially Goro, looked fantastic. However, the movie won't be receiving a higher score from me just because it failed to quench my insatiable blood lust.

Awesome: Pretty. I definitely remember enjoying the movies a lot more when I was a kid though. I guess you grow up and some things just change. As much as I absolutely LOVE the video games, I can't say the same for the movies. This movie was a success, financially, though as it spawned a SUPER cheesy sequel and a live-action TV series. Since Hollywood likes to reboot movies so damn much, I don't see them rebooting this series in an ultra-violent manner that would be loyal to the video game series. Well, actually, I guess that's not entirely true. I heard that because of some legal issues that Midway was having, Warner Bros. came and bought the rights for several video game franchises with the intention of turning them into movies. Threshold Entertainment, however, owns the rights to the first two MK movies and felt like Warner Bros. was trying to cut them out of the picture. A lawsuit followed and a movie was never officially made. Threshold announced that they're going to remake an MK movie in 2013. Let's hope they don't mess it up this time with more PG-13 crap. In an unrelated incident, a clip was released onto youtube trying to generate some buzz. The clip was entitled Mortal Kombat: Rebirth, featuring Michael Jai White as "Jax" and Lateef Crowder as "Baraka".

This clip is not official but they did decide to turn it into a web series to generate more buzz for the video game coming out on 4/19/2011. The first episode of which, hit the web two days ago on April 12, 2011 and can be seen here.

Here's the trailer to the original movie:

Check out my review of the sequel, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

Mortal Kombat: Legacy Episode 1

2011-04-13T20:25:00.000-07:00

Following Sonya Blade and Jackson Briggs, this first webisode is the beginning of a new live action mini-series they're premiering on the net to promote the game that will be releasing 4/19/11. YEAH!!!! I'm pumped.

Watch Mortal Kombat: Legacy Episode 2

Scream 4

2011-04-12T18:29:00.000-07:00

For those of you who haven't heard yet, there's a new sequel on the way for the Scream franchise. Coming out Friday, April 15th, this latest installment touts a new set of rules that the (new and old) victims must figure out if they're to survive their run-in with a new Ghostface. The story picks up several years after the third film, with Neve Campbell returning to Woodsboro for a book signing where she will once again cross paths with David Arquette and Courteney Cox's characters. (Dewey and Gale Weathers)

New to the cast are a band of fresh young faces for Ghostface to slash his way through including, but not limited to, Hayden Panettiere (of Heroes fame), Kristen Bell (Forgetting Sarah Marshall), and Emma Roberts (star of Nancy Drew and niece to Julia Roberts)

I'm actually really excited for this one myself. The original was a self-aware slasher that paid homage to, and poked fun at, the genre as a whole while redefining it. They played on the clichés of slashers and turned them into hard set "rules" for surviving a horror movie. This original concept was wildly popular when it was introduced and the film turned out to be a sleeper hit. Sometimes I get the feeling that after movies like Inception and Avatar, people have been going to the movies with higher expectations. I don't expect every movie I see to be some deeply thought-provoking psychological trip that messes with my perceptions of reality. Sometimes I'm just looking for some mindless entertainment and this new Scream sounds like it would be that perfect blend of violence, satisfying kill sequences, and a few good laughs. I'm sure it doesn't help that Scary Movie, and every other movie under the sun for that matter, has poked fun at Scream at one time or another. Regardless, not every movie needs to be an Academy Award winning film... and sometimes I just want to see young and sexy bodies get slashed to ribbons by a knife-wielding psycho while the red stuff spills out by the gallons. Who else is as excited as I am for this sequel?

New Twisted Metal for PS3

2011-04-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

Can it be? A new Twisted Metal game? Hells yeah!!! As if it wasn't cool enough that there was a Duke Nukem game coming out? There's a Twisted Metal game announced for Oct. 4!!! On April 14th, there will be an in-depth demo, stay tuned or follow at GameSpot.

Sweet Tooth is totally awesome.

Twisted Metal: Black was awesome!!!

REVIEW: The Fifth Element (1997)

2011-04-09T03:00:00.000-07:00

The Fifth Element (France, 2003) - Color, Director(s): Luc Besson
MPAA Rating: PG-13
[UK: PG]
Approx. 126 min.

Z-rating: 5 out of 5 stars for its imaginative Sci-Fi/Fantasy storyline

B-factor: 2.5 out of 5 stars for its cheesy gags

Now, this is how I like my Sci-Fi movies. Weird, ugly, mean-looking aliens with a bunch of strange weapons and flying cars. This movie has all of that and more... with a touching storyline to boot!!! The characters all had interesting personalities, effects were fantastic, and there were some good laughs along the way. What more can you possibly ask for?! (Maybe a little more nudity, but who's complaining?)

So every five thousand years or so, some Great Evil appears and we need the Fifth Element to stop it. There are four sacred stones representing the four classic elements (Earth, Fire, Wind, Water... GO PLANET!!!) which are the keys to either saving the universe or its destruction. An alien race wearing mechanical suits come to take the stones from us, citing the outbreak of war as a threat to their safety, promising to return with them when we needed them most. Fast forward a couple hundred years and the time has come for us to face the Great Evil. The mechanical aliens return to deliver the stones but are shot down by a bunch of ugly looking aliens that look like villainous lackeys. These other ugly mofos were hired to steal the stones and deliver them to an evil corporate sleazeball named Zorg. (Played by the always enjoyable, Gary Oldman) As it turns out, the stones were not aboard the ship. They were being kept safe by someone else. They checked the crash site and found the remains of one of the mechanical aliens (a severed hand gripping a lever) which is used to clone a new one. Instead of some ugly mess that's covered by a bulky mechanical suit, she comes out looking like a super hot and naked Milla Jovovich!!! (OF COURSE the perfect being is a girl, what else could it have been?!)

So, much like these artificially created beings often do, she breaks out of her holding chamber and makes a daring escape. (à la Wolverine) Jumping off the ledge of a building, she crashes right through the roof of a flying cab piloted by Bruce Willis. (who also happens to be ex-special forces) The police try to pull him over but sweet little Leeloo (Jovovich) begs for his help with her sad puppy dog eyes. Willis gives them the slip, much to Leeloo's delight, and delivers her to a priest by the name of Vito Cornelius. The truth is then revealed that the stones were entrusted to someone they called "The Diva", a blue alien opera singer. (who is AWESOME by the way) A radio contest is rigged so that Korben Dallas (Willis) has tickets to go see The Diva and hopefully recover the stones. The announcement of the contest winner draws the attention of Zorg (Oldman) and those ugly alien grunts as well. With everyone looking for the stones, they all converge at the opera house where The Diva is giving a concert. After a totally awesome concert, a shootout occurs where The Diva takes a bullet to the gut and falls dramatically to the floor. Leeloo, remembering the grunts that shot down her ship, toss them a beating the likes they've never seen before. Things don't end well for Leeloo when she has a run in with Zorg, armed with his fancy pants machine gun, who takes the box (thought to be containing the sacred stones) found in The Diva's belongings. With her dying breath, she tells Korben Dallas the real location of the stones. With the "help" of an effeminate radio jockey (played by Chris Tucker), Dallas must find Leeloo and save universe for eternal darkness...

Nudity: When the perfect being is revealed to be a girl (Jovovich) you get a shallow view of her boobs momentarily. She also takes off her shirt without regard for present company. (All the guys are gentleman and look away but we get a blurry view of boobies in the distance)

Gore: Not much, unless you count alien gore. Not a violent movie, but it really didn't need to be.

Awesome: to the MAX!!!!! Great actors/actresses, amazing make-up and special effects, and a fantastic storyline ties together perfectly with a healthy dose of oddball humor to make for a wildly entertaining Sci-Fi romp. Everybody's character had such animated personalities, even the Chinese guy that brings Dallas lunch was hilarious. The storyline was kinda touching but also involved enough space fighting and ugly aliens to be totally cool. Also, you gotta love a movie that basically says the perfect being's a woman and makes PUSSY the fifth element. (the only thing capable of saving the universe apparently, imagine that) One of my favorite Sci-Fi flicks of all time, I would watch this baby ANY time I see it playing.

Duke Nukem - Fun with Feces

2011-04-09T02:59:00.000-07:00

For those of you motherfuckers who don't know, Duke Nukem Forever comes out June 14th. Here's a sneak peek at some fun things that you can do with feces in the game. Enjoy =)

Helldriver

2011-04-06T10:38:00.000-07:00

I had a post a few days back about zombies, and while it wasn't anywhere NEAR a complete listing, I totally forgot to mention the movie Helldriver that I heard about recently. (Yes, I realize I'm a bit slow) From the mind of Tokyo Gore Police and Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl comes the latest splatter-iffic zombie film to come out of Japan. Anyone who is a fan of movies like Machine Girl and Robo Geisha will surely have a ball with this gory splatter-fest.

Red Band Trailer: Hobo With A Shotgun

2011-03-31T14:10:00.000-07:00

Many of you will remember when the Grindhouse movies came out, there was a big buzz about that movie because it was one of the first double features to come out in theaters in a LONG time. Furthermore, the two movies were released along with "fake" trailers sandwiched between them. Most of the "fake" trailers were done by celebrity directors such as Eli Roth, Edgar Wright, and Rob Zombie. However, there was a contest being held where they would play your fake trailer alongside the Grindhouse films in theaters if you won. A "fake" trailer by name of A Hobo With a Shotgun was the winner that made its rounds with the Grindhouse films. Since then, Robert Rodriguez's fake trailer Machete has since been turned into a feature-length film. Now, Hobo With a Shotgun will be getting a release from Magnolia Pictures under their Magnet Releasing company. This will mark the second full-length feature to spin-off from the Grindhouse films.

REVIEW: I Spit on Your Grave (2010)

2011-03-31T12:21:00.000-07:00

I Spit On Your Grave (USA, 2010) - Color, Director(s): Steven R. Monroe
MPAA Rating: UR
[UK: 18 (cut)]
Approx. 107 min.

Z-rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars for depraved sexual violence.

B-factor: 2 out of 5 stars for some noticeably bad CGI on some crows towards the end.

This film is a remake of an exploitation classic known for its brutal rape scene and grisly scenes of torture in the revenge that followed. This is another one of those "woman scorned" films where some poor girl is put through hell but comes back way harder and gets her revenge in the worst way possible. The thing is, when you remake an exploitation flick, you get.... an exploitation flick. Nobody is watching this remake, or the original, for its intricate plot or substance in its storyline. They probably just want to see a girl get raped and then see her exact bloody revenge on the bastards responsible. In that sense, this movie delivers the "goods" in spades.

A writer goes out to the country for a little isolation so that she can focus on her work. Unfortunately, during a gas stop, she attracts the attention of a few yokels that make a few passes at her but are promptly brushed off. They eventually find out where she's staying and start stalking her, watching her through the window with a video camera, before finally breaking in one night. These good ol' boys came to get them a piece of the city gal but accidentally let her slip away during their little game of cat-and-mouse. She makes a daring escape before running into the local sheriff who goes back to the house with her to check the situation out. The sheriff may not be as helpful as he seems and before long, the boys are back in the house and they've got her surrounded. She's stripped of her clothes and viciously raped but before they get a chance to dispose of her, she jumps in the river. They check for her body every day until she presumed dead. Everything seems to have blown over until people start asking questions about her after not hearing from her for over a month. The gang tries desperately to tie up all the loose ends but while they're all busy scrambling about... someone is back for a little revenge...

Nudity: A girl gets raped, so she's completely naked at one point. This kind of nudity is hot only because you know it's just a movie. If it was actual footage, then that would be a different story.

Gore: Ahh, sweet revenge. Nothing like satisfying brutal, gruesome, and bloody revenge... and this movie delivers that and more. The only problem is, even though the violence was disturbing and the atmosphere uncomfortable, the gore wasn't explicit. So while there was a castration scene, it isn't explicitly shown. You hear the snipping sound and see the resulting puddles of blood pooling at his feet. The penis itself is shown severed as she shoves it in his mouth and makes him blow himself!!! (LOL) The best death was probably the guy hanging over the bathtub full of lye. The most cringe worthy moment, aside from the rape scene if you're a girl, is the part where she pulls out some teeth with a pair of pliers. (ouch!)

Awesome: Very. The very beautiful Sarah Butler is an absolute pleasure to watch. She makes you feel sorry for her which, when she gets raped, really helps you care that something bad is happening to her character. I'm not sure what it was about this movie, perhaps it was the fact that they were trying to make a "real" movie by remaking an old exploitation film, but I just couldn't feel too bad for the girl. The original I Spit looks like it could be old footage of someone getting raped and then killing her rapists in gruesome ways. The new movie has good editing that reminds you that you're watching a movie, so it's hard to feel bad for the girl. Instead, it just becomes a "waiting game" since the famous rape scene is coming. When you finally see it happen, you get the satisfaction of seeing her naked followed by the even more satisfying revenge that follows. So watch it for whatever reason you want to see it for, but just know what you're getting into. Highly recommended for fans of the original, Eden Lake, or Storm Warning.

Piranha 3DD

2011-03-29T19:04:00.000-07:00

A sequel is in the works, slated for a November release later this year, and is looking to reunite Feast director John Gulager with Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan who have both written for the Feast trilogies and some of the later Saw movies. (starting from about Saw IV) Production seems to be delayed already because they're working on the 3D to "make sure it's done right" but that's totally sweet because if it's anything like the original.... I would definitely want the 3D to be perfect. I don't usually like it when they pump out sequels without the same directors and since Aja isn't returning, I was initially skeptical. But I thought about it and I can totally see the Feast guys doing something awesome with this series since it's right up their alley. I just hope it's not a lame sequel like Hatchet II. They are looking to call it Piranha 3-Double D and rumors have it they want it to take place at a waterpark. The guys at Bloody-Disgusting are staying up to date with news and rumors.

Zombies Are Coming!!!

2011-03-29T14:46:00.000-07:00

Ever since last Halloween, I've noticed that Zombies have become the most popular movie monsters in recent years leaving Werewolves and Vampires, which have been queered up by the Twilight franchise, behind in their wake. This outbreak was infecting every possible medium in mainstream media from books to video games to movies and even TV shows. AMC channel was premiering their widely popular The Walking Dead series. Dead Rising 2 was a video game all about surviving a zombie outbreak in Las Vegas, Red Dead Redemption announced they would have an Undead Nightmare package, and Call of Duty: Black Ops brought back their ever popular Nazi Zombie mode. Zombies are on the rise (from their graves!!) so I thought I'd take this time to take a quick look into the Zombie subgenre as a whole.

Video Games:

The recent popularity of post-Romero zombies began with the release of the Resident Evil franchise, also known as Bio-Hazard in Japan, which became wildly popular in the late 90's. This video game franchise created the survival horror genre and breathed new life into those undead bastards. This insanely popular video game franchise eventually spawned four live action films and one animated feature.

In addition to the games mentioned above, the zombie's popularity has spread even to mobile apps where they created a "cute" game involving zombies. Which goes to show, zombies aren't just popular amongst die hard and blood-thirsty fans but amongst casual gamers and non-zombie fans too.

Dead Island Official Trailer

Books:

Another reason for the Zombie's meteoric rise to popularity has to be the release of Max Brooks' Zombie Survival Guide. Detailing some key strategies for surviving a zombie outbreak, this book touches on what the advantages are to using certain weapons, where to go after an outbreak, and other useful information that may be essential to your survival. While doing a tour of different colleges, Max Brooks was holding seminars on zombie survival in campuses across the U.S. when he came up with the idea for a Zombie Survival Guide. Think about that, zombie popularity was so rampant that it spread into our education system!!!!

Available now from Roger Ma and the Zombie Combat Club, comes the Zombie Combat Manual. This book provides some insight on combat strategies and battle tactics. Useful tips such as stabbing zombies under the chin with a knife as opposed to their eyes because if you miss, you open yourself up to an attack by the zombie. (Check out the Amazon link, there are a couple "instructional" video clips that you can check out there!) An excellent addition to the bookshelf of any zombie survival enthusiast, the Zombie Combat Manual is one of the more recent and prominent survival guides available.

Movies:

A documentary entitled Zombiemania, provides a ton of background on the zombie subgenre. Touching on various subjects such as Voodoo's influence on the genre, the documentary mainly focuses on George A. Romero's contributions to the genre. Including, of course, the special effects of Tom Savini and how the genre itself has evolved. A very interesting documentary to "get your feet wet" if you aren't already a fan of the genre. I'm not sure if it's available on DVD but I watched it on Netflix Instant Play. (where it's still available!!)

In movie news, the extremely bizarre movie Deadgirl is receiving a sequel. The guys over at Bloody-Disgusting have the scoop. Apparently, the sequel will be about a group of girls who happen upon the same zombie girl from the first movie. Very interesting....

In other news, a release date of May 4th has been set for AMC theaters to start rockin' a new German zombie film entitled Rammbock

The story will follow a man who attempts to make-up with his girlfriend but finds her apartment empty when he gets there. Realizing that there has been a zombie outbreak, he barricades himself inside her apartment with everyone else in the building trying to survive by screaming out windows to make plans with one another.

TV:

The wildly popular AMC channel original series, The Walking Dead, is awaiting their second season. (slated for an October release) This television series, based on a comic book series of the same name, appeals to the general public in addition to long-time fans of zombies. My cousin, who cannot stand anything scary, tells me that she watches the show but changes the channel during violent scenes (!) involving zombie attacks. The show (much like the comic) is touted for its storyline, which entices viewers and readers alike, because the development for the characters are so deep and involved. The realism of character interactions during an intense survival situation is engrossing to both hardcore lover and haters of zombies. For those who are eagerly awaiting the release of the second season and can't get enough Walking Dead, the first season is available now on Blu-Ray and DVD.

Return of the Killer Tomatoes! (1988)

2011-03-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

Return of the Killer Tomatoes! (USA, 1988) - Color, Director(s): John De Bello
MPAA Rating: PG
[UK: 15]
Approx. 98 min.

Z-rating: 5 out of 5 stars

B-factor: 5 out of 5 stars

After reviewing Freaked recently, I was in the mood for more low budget cult comedies. I had to return to my roots and review a movie that served as one of my original inspirations for starting this blog. When the movie starts and some cheesy TV host of a show called "One Dollar Movie" announces a raffle for $9, we already have a pretty good idea of what kinda movie we're in store for. There's a poster on the wall displaying the movie of the week, a crumpled up Attack of the Killer Tomatoes poster that someone fished out of the trash and stuck a piece of scotch tape with the word "Return" written on it. After starting the movie, we see that they've switched the reels with a movie called Big Breasted Girls Go to the Beach and Take Their Tops Off (which, I'm sure about half my audience of readers wouldn't mind watching instead) Cheap gag to put more female bodies on the screen... but damn do I love it!!! After switching back to Return of the Killer Tomatoes, we see mad scientist Prof. Gangreen (John Astin) and his super sexy female companion, Tara (Karen Waldron, then Karen Mistal) working on some evil experiment involving.... you guessed it, TOMATOES!!!!!

Tomatoes that have since been outlawed by Congress following the Great Tomato War. Life has since continued without tomatoes, everyone just adapts, even pizza parlors have begun to make pizzas without tomato sauce. Prof. Gangreen's plans seem to be going accordingly until Tara spots him throwing out a "failed experiment" in which he accidentally created a fuzzy tomato. Picking him back out of the trash, Tara names it FT (short for Fuzzy Tomato) and runs away with it. Since she doesn't know anyone, she goes to the only person that she knows in town... Chad Finletter (Anthony Starke), the nephew of the main character in the first movie. She appears to be the perfect girlfriend because she's able to cook 815 international dishes, clean, and perform 637 sexual acts!!! They start dating and everything seems hunky dory but before long, the truth comes out that Tara is really a tomato!!! She runs away after the truth is revealed and of course, Chad realizes that he loves her despite the fact that she's a tomato. Grabbing his best friend and roommate, Matt Stevens (one of George Clooney's first starring roles), the two boys try to rescue Tara from old Gangreen with a little help from the crack team that defeated the tomatoes in the first movie. (Uncle Finletter and his crew)

So, why review a sequel and skip the original? As much as I love cheesy, low budget, B-grade trash films... the original was just so terrible that not even I could bring myself to enjoy it. For as long as I could remember, Killer Tomatoes had faces and sharp teeth. The original was just about a bunch of people running and screaming while being pelted by little red balls that bounce around and "kill" people. As much as I love Troma schlock, low-budget indie trash, and ridiculously silly comedies... I can't stand movies that look like I could do a better job of putting them together myself. As much as I like movies, I'm no filmmaker. But if I feel like I can do a better job of making a movie, then I feel like whatever I'm watching just isn't worth my time. I LOVE the last three films in this series (yes, there were three), I just can't stand the first one.

*drools*

Nudity: You can make out Karen Mistal's tits through a foggy shower door when George Clooney returns home in the morning after she first runs away from old Gangreen. There are some scenes of girls in bikinis running around on the beach, but nothing explicit.

Gore: None. Unless you count a tomato being crushed.

Awesome: to the MAX!!!!!!!!! I love how the movie never takes itself seriously, which makes it a very entertaining movie to watch. John Astin, who returns throughout the series, is absolutely fantastic as Prof. Gangreen. (He even lends his voice for the animated TV show) Half way through the movie, they "run out" of money in the budget and have to do a bunch of product placements to raise the cash to finish the film. This is followed by a couple of hilarious scenes where they plug Pepsi cola, Nestle's Crunch, and Foster's beer. (The very obvious product placements following this are hilarious) I love how they break down the fourth wall and address the audience towards the end to tie up any lose ends they had in the first reel. This movie looks like it was a lot of fun to make and so I have a lot of fun just watching it. Although I could've sworn that there was more nudity in this film, this is EXACTLY the type of silly, cheesy, stupid B-movie that I really enjoy. Totally 80's stuff.

Freaked (1993)

2011-03-23T02:33:00.000-07:00

Freaked (USA, 1993) - Color, Director(s): Tom Stern & Alex Winter
MPAA Rating: PG-13
[UK: 15]
Approx. 86 min.

Z-rating: 4 out of 5 stars

B-factor: 5 out of 5 stars

Whoa.... are you ready for one of the most tripped-out, freaky, insane, and hilariously weird movies you've ever seen? Freaked is a super trippy, special-effects driven comedy with an environmentally conscious message. One part slapstick comedy, one part "freaky" special effects.... TOTALLY awesome. A big corporation is looking to update their image with an endorsement by Ricky Coogan (Alex Winter). A former child star dubbed "America's sweetheart", Coogan agrees to endorse a dangerous chemical compound by the name of Zygrot 24. On the plane to South America, we are introduced to an annoying little buck-toothed troll by the name of Stuey Gluck. (Ricky Coogan's #1 fan, apparently) After getting rid of him, they land in South America where a group of environmentalists are gathered around to protest Zygrot 24 and Coogan's involvement with the dangerous chemical. In a feeble attempt to hook up with one of the cute picketers (Megan Ward), Coogan and his buddy, Eddie, convince her that they're sympathizers for the cause. She catches on to who they are before long and are now stuck with them in the car as they drive by a freak show. Drawn by the promise of a variety of human freaks (or "freekz") the group makes a stop at the local tourist trap, Freek Land. They're invited in by the owner who promises to show them around but end up taking them captive and using them for his horrible experiments. You see, he also happens to be a mad scientist who has been using a machine powered by Zygrot 24 to turn people into Hideous Mutant Freekz. By rubbing some of the radioactive goo on Coogan's pal Eddie and the girl they picked up, we see the first freak-transformation scene in the movie. This is one of my favorite parts because it totally goes claymation as the two bodies merge together and become one. (Sorta looks like something out of the game ClayFighter. The best part was the cyclops head popping out as a reference to Legendary stop-motion animator, Ray Harryhausen!!!)

We're also introduced to the rest of the freaks, consisting of a Human Worm, a Bearded Lady (Mr. T), a Dog-boy (an uncredited Keanu Reeves), a guy with a giant nose, a Cow-boy, and a guy who has a sock-puppet for a head. (There are more, just don't know off the top of my head) Following a failed escape attempt, Beast Boy (Coogan) stumbles upon an important clue to where the mad doc might be getting his supply of Zygrot 24. These freaks must put their heads together and figure a way out. Along the way to taking down the Doc's crazy freak makin' machine, they encounter a pair of Rastafari Eyeball Security Guards and a Toad-Man who serves as a right hand man. This movie is beyond strange but the special effects are spectacular!!!! Fans of bizarre films filled with a particular brand of tasteless humor found in such films as The Toxic Avenger and Street Trash will enjoy this obscenely grotesque comedy.

Nudity: None.

Gore: Guy's head gets "popped" off and violently thrown onto the ground, where it splatters. Nothing else comes to mind.....

Awesome: to the MAX!!!!!!!!! This trippy ass film is one of most underrated and overlooked comedies of all time!!! I absolutely loved the feel of this movie. Slapstick feel to some of the characters, awesome special effects, crude humor... basically, an all around good time. Great movie to entertain with, throw this one up at your next house party or when your stoner buddies come over.

UFC 128: Shogun vs. Jones

2011-03-19T14:15:00.000-07:00

Discuss.

Happy St. Patty's Day 2011

2011-03-17T17:34:00.000-07:00

Z-portal would like to wish all of you a Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!! I'm sure that many of you will be spending your time getting smashed tonight so I wanted to try to throw up (no pun intended) some reviews for those who might be looking to spend a relatively more quiet evening at home.

First off, for all you drinkers out there, I'm throwing up a review of the movie Beerfest (2006). This is followed up with a review of the movie The Boondock Saints (1999). I'm going to put this up for now, but I might follow up with a review of Leprechaun (1993) later on tonight. Stay tuned for more St. Patty's Day celebration here at the Z-portal!

Beerfest (2006)

2011-03-17T17:21:00.000-07:00

Beerfest (USA, 2006) - Color, Director(s): Jay Chandrasekhar
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
Approx. 110 min.

Z-rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

B-factor: 4 out of 5 stars

Another thing that St. Patty's Day is known for.... BEER!!!! Everyone loves to drink and St. Patty's all about the booze!!! Although the movie itself isn't Irish-themed, beer is a vital part of this holiday. So in honor of the massive amounts of alcohol that will be poured down people's throats tonight, Z-portal would like to review... BEERFEST!!!!!!!!!

After their grandfather passes away, a pair of brothers finds that tradition dictates their grandfather's ashes be spread on the grounds in Munich where Oktoberfest is being held. Seizing this golden opportunity, the brothers are on the next plane out to Germany to experience Oktoberfest while burying their grandfather. Once there, they meet up with a gentleman who is supposed to be their guide and are taken to an underground drinking contest aptly named, Beerfest. There, they meet a German team of drinkers who turn out to be related to them and the truth about a dark past between the two families is revealed. With their ancestors accused of stealing a fabled beer recipe, the Americans are humiliated in a drinking contest involving.... DAS BOOT!!! (see below) Upon returning home, they decide to put together their own team for Beerfest and begin calling up old college drinking buddies. Each of the characters are outrageous and outlandish but each specialize in a different aspect of drinking games. While attempting to put their personal differences aside, they train together for next year's Beerfest. During their training, they discover the "lost" beer recipe as well as the truth behind their family lineage. (Making the Americans the rightful heir to a family brewery in Bavaria) Tension between the two families rise until it finally culminates in a final showdown.... at BEERFEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This hilarious comedy is brought to us by a comedy group who call themselves, Broken Lizard. (Also known for their movie, Super Troopers) Although the star of the show here is Jay Chandrasekhar who writes, directs, and stars in the movie. Okay, scratch that. I guess he was important too but the real star of the show was.... DAS BOOT!!!!!

This mean mug... or glass.... holds about 2 litres of beer. Apparently, boot-shaped glasses were popular mainly amongst German-themed bars before the release of this film, which helped them gain MUCH more general popularity. I, personally, have been to a German restaurant where I've ordered a boot of beer. (Okay, so I sharing with someone!!!) I don't even remember if it was a regulation 2 litre glass though, so I wouldn't even call it Das Boot.

Nudity: As with any good movie, there were a couple good scenes with gratuitous nudity. I think at the beginning of the film, when the brothers first arrive at Oktoberfest, they get drunk and accidentally fall backwards into a crowd where they tear the tops off of multiple girls at once. No, it wasn't added for artistic value.... just random boobies thrown in for fun. That's how I like my nudity, gratuitous.

Gore: None.

Awesome: Pretty. I wouldn't go into this movie expecting too much or you may be disappointed. If you like to drink and have a good time while watching stupid, mindless movies... then this is the movie for you!!! Critics tore into this movie SO hard... but if you know what to expect, this one actually stands out from the usual mindless crap. I'm not usually a big drinker but I still had a blast watching this movie. Loads of fun to watch with tons of stupid humor, you'll feel like you're in college all over again!! (They also promised to follow this up with a Potfest sequel which would've been AWESOME if they followed through!)

The Boondock Saints (1999)

2011-03-17T17:20:00.000-07:00

The Boondock Saints (USA, 1999) - Color, Director(s): Troy Duffy
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
Approx. 108 min.

Z-rating: 4 out of 5 stars

B-factor: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Happy St. Patty's Day to all!!! To celebrate, Z-portal has decided to review this film which starts off with two brothers trying to have a good time on St. Patty's. From there, they're dragged into a scuffle when some Russian gangsters try to muscle the pub owner out of his property. Concerned with the repercussions of dispatching the gangsters the way they did, the boys go to turn themselves in before realizing that the city reveres them as heroes for standing up to the local crime syndicate. Our two mild-mannered Irish boys turn to bad ass vigilantes who fight crime with a blaze of gunfire and hailstorm of hot lead. They put criminals on their knees and recite a prayer before putting two in the back of his head. All this while looking so damn cool, walking around in slow motion with dramatic music playing in the background. This is one of my favorite movies of all time for its great story and stylized execution. Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Reedus turn in fantastic performances as the Saints brothers. Willem Dafoe (Green Goblin from Spider-Man) is super intense in this movie and, although he was great in character, overacts in some of the scenes.

What I liked best about this movie is that they would show the brothers planning a dynamic entry into a room filled with gangsters and then skip forward to the aftermath. The police would be investigating the crime scene and it would flashback to what really happened in the room. Things never go as smoothly as the Saints plan but they eventually get the job done.... despite how clumsily they do it. That gives the film a sense of realism because most people envision themselves looking cool but sometimes it just works out better than others. Overall, the movie fantastically blends of humor with an incredible score and stylized action sequences.

Nudity: More male than female. (Sorry ladies, I'd rather not have to go into detail about those scenes)

Gore: Bloody, but not necessarily gory. Not visceral like slashers or war movies, but blood splatter from gunshots and ass kicking can be seen.

Awesome: VERY!!!! I'm one of those people who will come out of a movie theater believing that I can do whatever I just saw on the movie. If I just finished watching a martial arts movie, I feel like I can take anyone in a fight. This movie though, really makes you feel like you can do what they do. Two guys trying to come up with "cool" ways to make an entrance usually end up flubbing it but they get the job done anyway, so nobody notices when they stumble. Sounds like a total "guy" movie if you ask me....

Second week of March

2011-03-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

Wow, and yet another week goes by without any new reviews or updates. I actually meant for this post to go up a couple days ago. I haven't gotten any new movies from Netflix since Feb. so I haven't been watching any new movies lately. I feel like I'm neglecting people who actually visit the site and read what I write on here. So, in lieu of any new reviews once again, I will be updating with random things that have been keeping me busy this past week.

Someone said to me that 2011 is the new 1993. When asked to elaborate, he mentioned the new Duke Nukem game coming out and Mortal Kombat being a major release. Spielberg is trying to strike gold with dinosaurs, yet again, with a Fox series, Terra Nova. The character, Bulk, makes a return to Power Rangers and they're also planning a Beavis and Butthead reboot this summer on MTV.

Must own... *drools*

After hearing all this, I stopped and started to think about what I've been doing this past week. The first thing I thought worth mentioning was my excitement over this clip that should give ANY kid, who grew up on Power Rangers, a serious chubby.

Watching that clip was such a blast from my past, seeing as I used to be a die-hard Power Rangers fan when I was younger, I found it a little hard to contain my excitement and ended up posting a link on my Twitter page to this clip. Totally reminded me of hanging out with my buddy after school, we'd go to his house to watch Power Rangers and eat before going to Chinese school. This was the same buddy whose house I would go to play Mortal Kombat when I was younger!!! (Weird how that all ties in, huh?) Furthermore, this buddy comes over to my house nowadays to get stoned and play video games.... and we've pretty much settled on wrestling games as being our favorite games to play when we're stoned. That's another thing that has been keeping me busy this past week, wrestling games. This being significant for me only because in elementary school, the only thing I loved more than Power Rangers was.... WRESTLING!!!! (This was, of course, before I got into Hardcore Wrestling)

The only new news this week is Zuffa buying out Strikeforce and the clusterfuck of disasters that hit Japan. What happened to Japan is such a shame, my heart really goes out to Japan because I'm such a BIG fan of so many things that come out there. (Anime, sushi, fetish porn, video games, movies... to name a few) I really would like to show my support for Japan but you see coverage of it all over the news and everywhere else you turn. Although I really do think what happened was a tragedy, Z-portal has always strayed from the beaten path.... so I'd rather not touch on that too much during this time.

So, that leaves me with the buy out of Strikeforce. I'm sure a lot you think that the buy out can only increase the talent pool and is probably a good thing, but I get flashbacks to when the WWF bought out WCW and ECW back in the day. Without competition, wrestling got stale real fast. I'm not sure what this will mean exactly for MMA but it felt to me like Strikeforce was putting on better fight cards than the UFC was before the buy out. Strikeforce was also in the middle of a heavyweight tournament. Now they're adopting the Unified Rules and will have to run hiring decisions by Dana White first. One thing that sets this apart from wrestling is that Strikeforce is supposedly going to operate independently of UFC with the company making its own decisions under the "supervision" of its new parent company.

Speaking of UFC, they have a PPV coming up this Saturday on March 19, 2011. Subbing for an injured Rashad Evans in the title bout will be Jon "Bones" Jones, who faces Maurício "Shogun" Rua for the UFC Lightheavyweight Title. Jones will be the favorite to win the title over Shogun entering this match. On paper, Jones is statistically the bigger and stronger fighter but this wouldn't be the first time that Shogun has fought an opponent like him. My pick is for Shogun to retain the title. Also on the card will be WEC superstars Urijah Faber and Eddie Wineland.

First week of March

2011-03-07T09:25:00.000-08:00

Can you believe it? We're already a week into March... where does all the time go? I told myself that I was going to review at least another handful of movies before Black History Month was over, now it's a week into March and I haven't written anything yet. So here are just a random updates with things I've been reading/seeing on the net:

Rubber, a movie about a tire that develops the ability to "telepathically" blow people's head up. (headsplosion?) Sounds different anyway...

In other news, Paranormal Activity is getting another sequel but this time the Japanese are going to take a stab at this wildly popular franchise. They're calling it Paranormal Activity 2: Tokyo Night and it's supposed to be a direct sequel of the first Paranormal Activity movie. The guys over at UHM have more details.

Speaking of sequels, the guys over at Far East Films got word that Chocolate 2 has been green lit. (in 3D too!) Jeeja Yanin will be returning in the lead role and that's enough to sell me on this one. (I loooooove Jeeja, I would probably watch a movie if it was just the camera filming her sleep for 2 hours) Seriously though, this girl kicks much butt and I will definitely be on the prowl when this comes out. (Check her out in my Top 10 Bad Ass Babes list)

So I was looking up Godzilla movie titles when I happened upon this boner-worthy box set. The first thing I thought to do was to throw it up on here but when I was looking for the distributor's homepage, some other guy's blog popped up in my search results with all the details I was looking to put up. Furthermore, he's had it up since 2007!!!! (Wow, I'm wayyy outta the loop)

http://jimsmash.blogspot.com/2007/07/godzilla-final-box.html

So props to JIMSMASH!!! for beating me to the punch (by a few years there) and providing a comprehensive review of the box set. I'm not sure where you can even buy this entire collector's set with the replica head and everything, but I saw the movies for sale in a complete set over at eBay for an easy $440. If only I had that kinda cash to drop on a box set, I'd be happy with just the movies!!!

One thing that I am totally excited for is the release of the new Mortal Kombat game!!! Getting a worldwide release on April 19, 2011... I already have my pre-order down for this bad boy. I grew up on Mortal Kombat, it was my favorite fighting game of ALL time. I have such fond memories of going over to my buddy's house to play the first MK on his Super Nintendo. I also remember my sister taking me out to Japantown as a kid and bringing me to this place that had the Sony PlayStation ...about a year before the thing was released here in the States... and I played MK II for the first time ever. Ultimate MK 3 was the best game ever until MK Trilogy came out. This time, they're trying to return to their roots and bring back all the things that MK fans loved about the game originally. Moving back to a 2D fighting, The MK fighting games have been a staple in my video game library over the years and I will be adding the Kollector's Edition of the new game to my library.

In other MK news, the Mortal Kombat: Rebirth test trailer received so much attention that the director, Kevin Tancharoen, will be directing some live action web shorts to be released alongside the game. Here's a quick glimpse at the new webisodes on their way.

Blacula (1972)

2011-02-23T01:19:00.000-08:00

Blacula (USA, 1972) - Color, Director(s): William Crain
MPAA Rating: PG
[UK: 15]
Approx. 93 min.

Z-rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

B-factor: 4 out of 5 stars

Blacula!!!! Dracula's soul brother... or so the tagline says. Blacula is one of those cheesy classics that any self-respecting cinema buff has to have seen at least once. The film opens with negotiations between Count Dracula and an African Prince regarding the slave trade. Dracula turns out to be a racist douche who, instead of helping in any way, insults the African Prince Mamuwalde and curses him in his image. Locked in a coffin while his wife is enslaved, Blacula is imprisoned in his casket until it's purchased and delivered to L.A. in 1972. After breaking free and biting the two idiots that opened his coffin, he happens upon a beautiful girl at the funeral named Tina who seems to be his wife reincarnated. A suspicious doctor offers to assist in the case after inspecting one of the bodies and finding it completely drained of blood. Blacula goes around biting some other people and turning them into vampires while trying to win his ex-wife back. Thinking they know where his coffin is, they converge on him at an old warehouse which has become a vampire nest. Unfortunately for these guys, Blacula moved his coffin and they now must work to find out where. Needless to say, he eventually lures Tina out but she's killed when the police try to stop Blacula. In a desperate attempt to save the love of his life, he bites her neck and turns her into a vampire. While resting in a coffin, she takes a stake through the heart and is killed before Blacula has a chance to stop it from happening. Unable to deal with the loss of his wife for the third time... he climbs up to the roof, only to be destroyed by the sun.

I know, I gave away the ending. OH NO!!!! Well, if you couldn't see that one coming... then you're a fool. What I liked best about this movie was the way it ended. From the beginning of the movie, Blacula never wanted to be a vampire and kill people. All he really wanted was just to be with his love. In fact, Blacula was the real victim in this movie since all he was trying to do was save his people when he was turned. Once the love of his life (or lives) is killed, he sees no point in going on... unlike that selfish prick Dracula. Blacula was a totally righteous vampire who had no intention of spreading his plague on the world. That's what I respect most about him. The first to nab Best Horror Film at the Saturn Awards, Blacula spawned a sequel and inspired a slew of blaxploitation/horror films to follow.

Nudity: None that I can remember.

Gore: Not much in the way of gore. This movie didn't seem like it had much of a budget to blow on special effects.

Awesome: Pretty. There were some good parts in this movie although I would say that it was pretty mediocre overall. The vampires don't explode or melt in anyway when sunlight hits them, they just kinda collapse to the floor after a lackluster convulsion session. In one scene though, they used oil lamps as Molotov cocktails to set vampires ablaze while raiding the nest for Blacula's coffin. (Pretty bad ass right there!) Though my favorite overall scene has to be the thawing and subsequent slow motion charge that a cabbie-turned-vampire makes at a morgue worker, who was foolish enough to leave the door to the room unlocked.

Horror Intermission

2011-02-17T08:23:00.000-08:00

Z-portal needs a little time to catch up with reviews for Black History Month, so check out these new horror reviews in the meantime...

The Rite (2011)

2011-02-17T08:22:00.000-08:00

The Rite (USA, 2011) - Color, Director(s): Mikael Håfström
MPAA Rating: PG-13
[UK: 15]
Approx. 114 min.

Z-rating: 2 out of 5 stars

B-factor: 2 out of 5 stars

This film begins with a mortician who apples for seminary school to escape his bleak future. Struggling with his beliefs, we see him nearly graduate before he writes an email to his superiors concerning his lack of faith. In an effort to have him reconsider, he is sent off to Rome to take a few courses in exorcism from the Vatican. Offering nothing but hard-headed logic and arguments back by silly scientific evidence, the priest decide to send him to some "radical" by the name of Father Lucas. After sitting through a few of Lucas' exorcisms, he was still unconvinced of his faith even after the girl exhibits knowledge of things she couldn't have known and other obvious signs of demonic possession. Still unconvinced, he questions Father Lucas and his methods until one day when Lucas himself becomes possessed. Finally convinced that all the crazy shit happening around him is real, he goes to exorcise Father Lucas.... without a real priest(!) accompanied only by a random journalist.

This film takes a realistic approach to the exorcism movie but falls flat even when compared to The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I can appreciate all the little in-jokes referencing The Exorcist, but what I found strange were the odd attempts at humor even when the tone of the movie was supposed to be serious. (Lucas takes a call on his cell during an exorcism) Thankfully, there were a few creepy scenes but they were far and few between to even matter. The saving grace (sorry) of this film was Anthony Hopkins who gave a fantastic performance as Father Lucas, although I can't honestly say I've ever seen him in a movie I didn't like. There's a scene where this random bicyclist who gets hit by a car and asks our main priest to bless her before she dies. He repeats a prayer over her even though he isn't a full priest yet. I thought they were going to tie this back in somewhere, but in the end, they weren't really able to tie it all back together to make a satisfying movie. I felt like there were some loose ends that could've been tied in and some of the scenes could've had more realistic reactions. (He walks back into his room to find it infested with frogs and he just bounces out and gets a shitty motel room. Really? Then when he doesn't find the priest he's looking for, he just goes it alone even though he's a little unsure of his faith. Seriously?)

Nudity: None.

Gore: Very minimal. The goriest thing in this movie was probably the photos they show during the exorcism class.

Awesome: Despite there being a few legitimate scenes of actual creepiness, the overall movie was dull, predictable, and ultimately unsatisfying. I think it felt more like a movie that couldn't decide whether it wanted to be a realistic or supernatural horror movie. I can see this movie being played on TBS or TNT in future and everyone would have seen it on TV.

Hatchet II (2010)

2011-02-17T08:21:00.000-08:00

Hatchet II (USA, 2010) - Color, Director(s): Adam Green
MPAA Rating: UR
Approx. 89 min.

Z-rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

B-factor: 4 out of 5 stars

At last!!! I've been waiting since October to review this movie, I was hoping that it would get a release at one of the smaller theaters here in the city but no luck. Finally, I couldn't wait any longer and bought the DVD. I absolutely LOVED the original, how bad could a sequel be? This wasn't a terrible movie but the special effects looked way more low budget than the first. In fact, this movie as a whole seemed way more ridiculously over-the-top than the first one did. (it felt more like it was a parody of the original in some ways)

Picking up right where the first one left off, we see that Marybeth (the final girl from the original) now looks like Danielle Harris and good old Victor Crowley looks more like a Power Rangers monster than he did in the first. No matter, she struggles to get away when she's pulled out of swamp by Jack Cracker or Cracker Jack... whatever his name is. Originally attempting to be helpful, he turns hostile when he finds out who she is but remains vague and mysterious about his reasons for throwing her out of his house. (the acting has definitely gone downhill as well in this sequel) Of course, once she's outta the house.... Crowley comes outta left field and slaughters good old Cracker Jack by ripping out his intestines and not only strangles him with them, he pops his head off(?) with them in a completely ridiculous scene reminiscent of ones you would find riddled throughout a film by a certain independent film studios responsible for such dime a dozen trash pics like Terror Firmer and the more recent, Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. Before you can shout "Troma", we see a guest appearance by none other than Lloyd Kaufman as one of the hunters that walk out on the proposition by Reverend Zombie, played charismatically by Tony Todd (Candyman, Night of the Living Dead) who is always a pleasure to watch. The idea is a bring a bunch of the best hunters with him into the Louisiana bayou to "retrieve his boat" and hunt Victor Crowley while they're in there. Undoubtedly, they have an inevitable run-in with the psychotic killer where he gets to slaughter masses of the young folks in his backyard.

The first thing I have to say is that I absolutely LOVE the reference to the movie Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon. I squealed with delight and might've even peed my pants a little when I heard it. (giggles) The strangest thing I find about the movie is that, despite having a bigger budget than he did with the original, this sequel feels a lot lower budget than the first. The first film had a ton of splatter effects that looked kinda real but this one went ridiculously over-the-top. These effects looked more like a cross between Japanese splatter films and Troma studio's low budget schlock. Either way, it was an enjoyable sequel that I would recommend people wait for on Netflix rather than buying your own copy right away like I did. Anyone who is looking for more of the original will be disappointed because this one totally goes the B-movie route and never comes back. (even uses some stock sound effects when people are being killed) Luckily for me, I love B-movies so I still enjoyed the film. I would just be sure to know what I'm getting into before I go and buy this film. All-in-all, still a pretty good movie but not as good as the original.

Nudity: Plenty. Are you serious? A slasher film without nudity would be missing a major ingredient in the formula. Not that it can't be done, just that it would be missing the point. The slasher genre rose out of the audiences' love for seeing certain things on the big screen, particularly naked teens getting hacked to bit by hulking masked maniacs.

Gore: 4 out of 5 stars. For quantity, not quality. This was a splatter film and splatter it did. Jaws getting ripped out, faces getting hacked off, decapitations galore!!! Problem is, it all looks hokey and is used more like sight gags to make us laugh rather than be scary at all.

Awesome: Very. Even though the effects don't look as good as the first one, they went for all-out balls to the walls entertainment and, in my opinion, they succeeded. I thought this movie was a throwback to more of the slasher genre as a whole, including more recent ones like Leslie Vernon. Tony Todd was awesome, as usual, and Danielle Harris just cried a lot. (tits might've helped her performance... what?? why do a shower scene at all then? I'm just saying....) Looked like a fun movie to be a part of but kind of a "you had to be there" deal.

Triangle (2009)

2011-02-17T08:20:00.000-08:00

Triangle (UK, 2009) - Color, Director(s): Christopher Smith
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 15]
Approx. 99 min.

Z-rating: 4 out of 5 stars

B-factor: 1 out of 5 stars

This British horror sees a group of friends out sailing when they happen into the Bermuda Triangle. They get a crazy distress call before losing all radio contact and suddenly a giant ship comes out of the fog for them to hop aboard just as their boat capsizes. Coincidence? Who knows. They just keep wandering the seemingly empty cruise ship in search of other people when something strange begins to happen. This one woman finds her house keys on the boat that she's supposedly never been on before. Strange? Just a little bit. They all separate when suddenly, one of friends is shot and accuses her of being the shooter. Yeah, the shit really hits the fans now as we have landed right in the middle of some Twilight Zone shit and people are getting killed off left and right with all signs point to her as the killer. Could there be another person on this boat? Maybe it's a shapeshifter of some sort, anything can happen in the Bermuda Triangle... or maybe she's just gone a little stir crazy?

Let me get something straight first off, I am TERRIFIED of the ocean and scared to death of boats. These kinds of movies always messed with me as a kid. So I just have to say that even though the plot might be a little convoluted at times, if you wait for it to all tie-in at the end, there are some genuinely creepy moments despite a few holes in the story. You guys have to be patient because it's definitely a slow-burn type of movie that you have to sit and pay attention to as it unfolds slowly. How could I ever begin to explain what this movie was about? How would I describe this movie? Creepy, twisted, disturbing? Even if I could find the right words to describe this movie, I wouldn't want to give it away. Check it out, starring that chick from 30 Days of Night and Dark City, Melissa George. She just wants to get off this crazy ass ship and get back to her son. Little did she know, sailing into the Bermuda Triangle was like entering a portal into the Twilight Zone and other unknown dimensions. A very well done effort by Christopher Smith who directed other films like Severance and Creep.

Nudity: None.

Gore: 2 out 5 stars. Some people get blasted with a shotgun and another guy has a hole in the back of his head. Other than that, the gore was relatively tame.

Awesome: Very. I love the idea behind this movie and, if you're patient enough, you'll appreciate the insanely twisted story too. Better to go into this film not knowing anything, I was going to post the trailer up with my review but then I realized how much the trailer showed. Probably better if you just go in with limited knowledge of the film and watch it because you'll notice something new every time you see the film. Definitely slow burn.... definitely worth the wait.

V-Day 2011

2011-02-14T22:50:00.000-08:00

And so, the day is here, where we rejoice and celebrate the relationships we share with our loved ones. Problem is, you look over and realize that what you've got you arms around isn't a girl... but just a pillow you were using to pretend you've got a girlfriend. No worries, you're not the only one. Tonight is going to be singles night here at the Z-portal, where single people can come hang out and be entertained while everyone else is out celebrating with their significant other. The overall theme tonight will be Unrequited Love. We'll see different examples of unrequited love in movies that even the most depressed single person can enjoy. So hide that box of old photos, put down the box of tissues, and crack open a case of your favorite beer (or roll up a fatty, whichever you prefer) and get ready to feel a little better about single. If not by choice, then.... well, at least you're not these guys:

Dumb and Dumber (1994) - Not to mention that this is one of the most hilarious movies of ALL time, it's gotta be one of the best feel good movies ever. No, not just because it tickles my funny bone... these guys are the biggest losers... ever. One of these idiots (Jim Carrey) falls madly in love with a girl after meeting her once, driving her limo to the airport, and so he flies out to Aspen, Colorado to return a briefcase that she left at the airport. (obviously made before 9/11... cause TSA would've been all over her for leaving a bag unattended. And apparently, you can run past airport security in those days without being stopped) So after he goes out of his way to see her and return her briefcase, it turns out she's flippin' married!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?? I would've totally lost my cool, but not these guys, this guy just keeps right on smiling. All the while his buddy (Jeff Daniels), who accompanies him on this totally bogus trip, is smiling right alongside him. Flat broke without transport to get home, these two pals just hoof it out on the road. Learn a lesson from them on how to take heartbreak in stride.

Best scene: The fantasy of violently killing the husband of the girl who stole his heart. We've all had similar fantasies play out in our head, I'm sure.

The Mummy (1999) - Yes, this movie again. Recently making my Top 10 list of favorite movies that were recommended to me by my sister. I love the action in this movie and Brendan Fraser turns in a surprisingly bad ass performance as Rick O'Connell. After making it with the Pharaoh's gal, this particular mummy was buried alive along with flesh eating scarabs enclosed in his sarcophagus and had the Hom-Dai, the worst of all Ancient Egyptian curses, put on him. Suffering for over 3,000 years until he was inadvertently awaken by our gang of tomb raiding archeologists, this guy has to suffer through another sequel before getting a chance to fully revive the love of his lives. And guess what? When it came down to it, the bitch totally leaves him hanging (literally) and saves herself. Damn, you wanna talk about unrequited love? How about one that spans 3,000 years and a couple lifetimes.

Misery (1990) - Research shows that when someone's in love, their brain functions similarly to someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I wasn't exactly surprised to hear this because when you're madly in love with someone, they're the ONLY thing that's on your mind. From being the first thought on your mind when you wake up in the morning to being the last thought on your mind before you to go to sleep, being in love basically feels like you're obsessing over someone. Academy Award winning actress Kathy Bates plays a psychotically obsessed fan of an author who was finishing up a novel in a cabin in the woods. While driving back, he crashes his car in the snow and is happened upon by Ms. Bates. Taking him home to nurse back to health, she seems like nothing more than a gushing fan at first but when he tries to leave.... this guy gets his leg broke. For a movie so low on the gore quotient, it successfully creates an incredible amount of suspense and builds tension so thick, you'd need a katana to cut through that shit. If you've ever been so lonely that you wish you had a stalker, watch this movie and give it a second thought.

The Insatiable (2007) - On the flipside, instead of being stalked, are you the stalker? Ever love someone so much that you smothered them with too much attention? What would you do if you found an incredibly beautiful, sultry, and sexy vampiress that you wanted take home and care for? Well, that was the case for poor Harry when he happened upon a vampire chick feeding on a bum. To keep her "out of trouble", he catches her and locks her in a cage in the basement. Buying her rabbits and other little animals to feed on, she's slowly dying and he doesn't know what to do. The lesson to take away from this movie is that too much of anything is never a good thing. You can love someone too much, to the point where you're killing them because you're smothering them with affection. Sometimes it's good to just lay back and chill out, maybe they just need a little breathing room is all.

Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (2009) - Vampires face the same relationship problems in general, living forever tends to suck unless you've got someone to spend it with. Dracula, Nosferatu, Lestat, I'm sure have all faced this type of heartbreak over and over again. Losing a loved one is always hard. This pick isn't for the lonely vampire however, this pick was for the poor boy chosen by the Vampire Girl to become her newest vampire love interest. Everything sounds dandy until we realize that what she has chosen isn't necessarily just a mate, but more of a servant. Not to mention what the guy had to go through before he comes to terms with the fact that he truly loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her, it turns out that she wasn't even in love with him like that at all!!! What a tease....

Candyman (1992) - Love is sometimes about making the sacrifices necessary for the ones that you love. A relationship should always be a two-way street with a little bit of give and take. The greatest stories about love are the ones where someone makes the ultimate sacrifice for the person they love. (Giving their life for someone they love) Although Candyman is more of a slasher about a grad student who is doing research on the myth, it's more how he become Candyman that I'm interested in. This guy was once a slave who had a lot of talent as an artist. So much, in fact, that the plantation owner had him paint a portrait of his daughter. The two got close and fell in love but when her racist father found out, he got a mob together to lynch the slave. They chased him outta town with pitchforks but when they caught up to him, they cut this kid's right hand off and covered him with honey before throwing him into a beehive. (Brutal!) Before dying, he cursed all the men responsible and swore his revenge. Now the legend goes, if you look into a mirror and say his name five times.... he will come for you with his hook hand.

Stacy: Attack of the Schoolgirl Zombies (2001) - Have you ever wanted to be loved so bad that you feel like life isn't even worth living without it? Ever walk around like a lifeless zombie because you were so depressed from loneliness? Well, this movie takes that feeling to a very literal extreme. One of the more hokey B-movie zombie splatter films to come out of Japan, although they're all pretty cheesy, and their cop-out ending involved a half-ass explanation for the zombie outbreak. Not some viral infection, voodoo curse, or meteorite passing by the Earth. No, it was love. They wanted to be loved so much that they wander around after their death in order to find love. Some people might have their little hang ups about this movie but that represents the ultimate desire to be loved. Not just dying for it, but coming back to life for it. Even if you don't agree... a ton of blood and guts, zombies, and hot Japanese chicks makes for a good Valentine's Day movie in my book.

Bio Zombie (1998) - In Hong Kong's answer to George Romero's Dawn of the Dead, a sushi chef with a crush on one of the girls that works in mall is bitten by a zombie. After he turns, he still has feelings for her and even gives her a gift that he originally intended to give her after work. When she's cornered by other zombies, he makes with the sushi rolling and makes a "finger-roll" to distract his zombie brethren. In the end, even though he's already dead... he still makes the ultimate sacrifice for her and gets eaten by zombies... AGAIN!!! Even knowing that they can never be together, he's loves her so much that he would give his um.... life.... for her even he's already undead. That's something that I like to fantasize about, loving someone so much that I would still remember them even if I were some horrible monster.

King Kong (1933) - Talk about a mismatch, this film features the famous ape grabbing himself a beautiful girl and making for the highest point he can find in order to have some "alone" time with her. Sometimes love can be cruel, playing with our emotions and making us fall in love with someone we weren't meant for. Ever feel like a big dumb ape yourself that just isn't good enough for the girl of your dreams? Don't worry bud, you're not alone. King Kong very obviously couldn't be with the girl, even if she did return his feelings. In the end, he makes the ultimate sacrifice for her... and for what? King Kong probably had a King Dong that would've done more than just split her apart... he would've impaled her!!! That monkey had no reason to put his hairy ape hands on her in the first place. Cupid is such an asshole sometimes...

Futurama (1999-2003) - I know, they brought this show back in 2010 and they're coming out with new episodes. I don't care, I didn't watch any of the new stuff so I cant speak of it. I have seen all of the episodes of the original show however and I can say that nothing makes me laugh harder or feel better than some Futurama. If you thought Lloyd and Harry from Dumb and Dumber were losers, Fry is the perfect addition to the crew seeing as he spend the duration of the show chasing after Leela. (who doesn't appear to be interested) Over the span of the original show, he tries so many times and is shot down by her.... you've just gotta feel better about yourself after watching this guy. One of my favorite shows of all time, Futurama is currently keeping me company tonight.

I hope everyone is enjoying their Valentine's Day, and whether you're single or not, I hope it was special for all of you. If you're lucky enough to have someone to spend it with, cherish every moment that you're able to spend with that person and take nothing for granted.

Bride of Chucky (1998)

2011-02-14T12:00:00.000-08:00

Bride of Chucky (Canada/USA, 1998) - Color, Director(s): Ronny Yu
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
Approx. 89 min.

Z-rating: 4 out of 5 stars

B-factor: 3 out of 5 stars

Nothing more fun to watch than bloody, gory horror if you're lonely Valentine's Day. Whether you're bitter and lonely or heartbroken and angry, watching people killed in violent ways can be a great pick-me-upper. Talk about unrequited love... poor Tiffany (Jennifer Tilly) is the girlfriend of Charles Lee Ray, whose soul is imprisoned in that damned doll, who goes through all the trouble of gathering up the pieces and sewing him back together on the belief that they would be married once he's freed from the doll. After reviving Chucky though, she finds that he had no intention of marrying her. So, doing the most logic thing she could think of, she locks him in a playpen and goes to shower. Once he gets out though, he tosses the TV into the bath and electrocutes her to death only to bring her back to life in one of the female wedding dolls. Not only gets her heart broken when she realizes he didn't want to marry her, she gets killed by the guy she loves and is stuck by his side inside of a doll until they can transfer out into new human bodies. Sounds like it would've been a pretty shitty Valentine's Day to me.

The awesome thing about this movie, aside from the fact that it had the late John Ritter and a young pre-Grey's Anatomy Katherine Heigl starring, is how much fun the storyline is. Desperate to escape her police chief uncle (Ritter), our lovely young couple takes up an offer to deliver two dolls to New Jersey where they will paid handsomely for their troubles and be free to run off and get hitched. Chucky and Tiffany plan to use the kids to get the amulet from Charles Lee Ray's grave but when bodies turn up dead, they begin to suspect each other of murder. Brought to us by director Ronny Yu, who also brought us the satisfyingly loyal Freddy vs. Jason in the years to follow.

Nudity: Although I don't remember there being any explicit nudity, there is a very tasty shower scene with Jennifer Tilly in the tub. I think there's also doll-sex in the movie. If you get your jollies off on that.... I suggest psychiatric help. (or skipping to approx 1:00:50 into the movie.... you sick bastard)

Gore: Typical gore to be expected from a horror movie. A cop get his throat cut, nails are embedded into someone's face propelled by an airbag, and a love suite at a hotel is turned into a room at the House of Horrors. Accentuated by the psychotic laughter of Chucky, there's tons of fun kills in this one. =)

Awesome: Very. A classic franchise gets updated with this blend of dark comedy and horror, it's one of the best in the series having successfully updated the franchise without watering down any of the original material. The ending is great (the parts where Chucky gets hurt are always the best cause they're totally hilarious) and provides a perfect setup for the follow-up, but very disappointing, Seed of Chucky.

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T08:30:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day to all you lucky folks who have someone to spend it with. As always, Z-portal isn't one to celebrate without the forgotten and overlooked bunch and so while everyone is obsessing over hearts and roses, people seem to forget that there are a lot of single people out there who don't have anyone to spend it with. As such, we shall celebrate this Valentine's Day with the overall theme of: Unrequited Love.

Valentine's Day is just the bee's knees... unless you don't have any to spend it with. The shittiest feeling in the world is when you're alone and forced to sit through everybody else's lovey dovey crap. All the shows and movies on TV are about some nerd finally getting a chance with the beautiful girl of his dreams and they actually end up falling in love. We've all been in love with someone who doesn't love us back and our self-esteem has to take the blow, for what? Many of us are slowly realizing the fact that love and relationships don't always work out so hunky dory as they do in fairy tales and Hollywood movies. And we're pissed off!!! We were all told the "happily ever after" ending as kids, made to believe that life was going to be a bag of rainbows, but the world has forgotten us and time has made us very bitter. And so, Z-portal would like to celebrate with a different view of love in cinema. Hope you guys can celebrate with us tonight!!

Don't Give a Damn (1995)

2011-02-08T09:28:00.000-08:00

Don't Give a Damn (Hong Kong, 1995) - Color, Director(s): Sammo Hung
MPAA Rating: NR
[HK: CAT II]
Approx. 90 min.

Z-rating: 5 out of 5 stars

B-factor: 2 out of 5 stars

This movie is absolutely HILARIOUS. Sammo Hung, Yuen Biao and the rest of The Seven Little Fortunes clan were the best that the China Drama Academy had to offer and are known for their martial arts prowress. What I liked about this movie was that even though there was some fighting in it, martial arts actors Sammo Hung and Yuen Biao didn't rely on their martial arts abilities for this film. I think this film is a perfect example that Hung and Biao aren't one-dimensional actors that don't know how to make a movie without fighting in it. Even though there was a fight scene that involved Yuen Biao taking on a bunch of guys, it was more just brawling than it was straight up martial arts fighting as most of the martial arts is at the very end. This movie is filled with a ton of laughs that had me and my buddies in stitches. Perfect movie to put on for your Chinese stoner buddies, you'll have bongwater coming out of their nose!

Known by the strangely irrelevant alternate title Burger Cop here in the States, this film centers around the daily operation and relationships of the officers in a particular police department. This movie starts out with a failed drug bust and some office comedy as a couple of perps are shown during the booking process. There's people making a dynamic entries by busting through windows, an inter-office rivalry with a Customs Agent that culminates in a most hilarious brawl between Hung and Biao, and a slippery crook by the name of Spiderman (played by Chin Siu-Ho, the slightly more competent apprentice in Mr. Vampire) who jumps out of a window only to have a cop by the name of Superman jump out after him. Quirky Chinese comedy bits aside, there is a very well-choreographed 3-way fight at the end of this film that involves Sammo Hung, Collin Chou (the villain from The Forbidden Kingdom), and Robert Samuels that was absolutely dizzying and totally awesome. I don't understand the bad reviews behind this film, perhaps other people's expectations were too high. (That... or mine are just way too low) Although I personally really enjoyed this film. Whenever I put it on for other people, they always laugh and have a good time watching it too. I haven't had a bad experience with this film yet but all the reviews I've come across have called this film weak and rated very low. So the only suggestion I have is if you're none too keen on subtitles, or if you've NEVER seen an HK comedy before, check some others out in this genre to be sure it's for you.

Nudity: None

Gore: None.

Awesome: Very. Although there are some very obvious critics of this film, I have to say that I absolutely LOVE this movie. My mom recommended I watch this movie because I had nothing to do one day and it has been a favorite of mine ever since. Maybe the humor falls a little flat for some people. I just love the blend of comedy, action, and satire in this film.

Future Cops (1993)

2011-02-04T00:42:00.000-08:00

Future Cops (Hong Kong, 1993) - Color, Director(s): Wong Jing
MPAA Rating: NR
[HK: CAT II]
Approx. 95 min.

Z-rating: 5 out of 5 stars

B-factor: 4 out of 5 stars

Let's be perfectly clear here, I'm going to be reviewing the Hong Kong comedy that borrows from the Street Fighter video game franchise so as not to be confused with the more recent Future X-Cops which, ironically enough, also stars Andy Lau. Another thing I feel I should mention is that this movie shares absolutely NOTHING in common with the Street Fighter franchise except for its characters. I know some of you horror freaks out there must already be wondering to yourself, "What the hell, man? What happened to refocusing on horror?" I didn't forget, my main focus will still be horror movies because I absolutely LOVE them. The thing is, I try to keep my blog relevant to the world by keeping up with holidays and other events. This month being Black History Month prompted the reviews of Blaxploitation films and will bring more to come. I was going to try to keep with the horror theme by reviewing Tales from the Hood and Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror but the thing is, today is Lunar New Year and we Chinese folks don't like to talk about horribly nasty things during the New Year. So in an attempt to keep up with tradition (and at the risk of losing readers), I'm going to review a comedy to keep things a little more... upbeat. Now, onward to the review!

Set in the far off distant future of 2043, where the police ride around on little Star Wars-esque personal speeder bikes that fire lazers, a team of evil doers are trying to spring their boss (M. Bison) from a maximum security prison before being stopped by the Future Cops!!!! A showdown occurs between Ken, Sagat, and E. Honda of the evil team and the good guys of Ryu, Guile, Dhalsim, and Vega. The Future Cops are able to prevent the prison break but are unsuccessful in capturing the rest of the clown posse, who jump back in time on some half-baked mission to assassinate the judge that sentences Bison before he ever becomes a judge. (a la Terminator) Vega, Guile, and Dhalsim are sent back in time to protect the judge but not before they're warned about how people in the 90's like to lie a lot(!) So to prevent them from falling prey to such bad habits, they are implanted with special devices that give them an electric shock whenever they lie. Ryu (played by Aaron Kwok) stays behind while the other three go back in time to find the judge when he was still just a kid. Flash back to 1993 and we are introduced to the main character (Dicky Cheung) in an awkward kid who's picked on at school by the school bully who also happens to come from a wealthy background. He isn't just picked on at school but also by his kid sister, Chun Li (played by the BEAUTIFUL Chingmy Yau), at home. The Future Cops arrive via lightning storm (also lifted from Terminator, only they're not naked when they arrive) and offer their assistance in getting the bully of his back if he'll help them ask around for the judge at school. They're successful for awhile before the Ken and his goons arrive to recruit the bully. The hunt is on for whoever the student will be that grows up to become the judge. Which side will find them first?

This is, without a doubt, one of the silliest movies I've ever seen. That's what makes it laugh out loud hilarious, it's completely outrageous and over-the-top silly with really fast-paced Canto dialogue. Everything under the sun is parodied from Super Mario Bros to Dragon Ball Z with a healthy dose of wacky Chinese humor. If you're expecting any kind of serious Street Fighter movie, you will surely be disappointed with this film. They were unable to get the license to use the characters so other than resembling them, they really don't have much in common with their video game counterparts. This is the first live-action movie to contain characters from the Street Fighter franchise though and something about the charm of this film makes this one of my absolute favorites. This film also has an all star cast including Jacky Cheung, Simon Yam, Billy Chow, Richard Ng, and many more!! I would highly recommend this film for a ton of good laughs and I think everyone should own a copy of this film... just because.

Nudity: None. Although in the arcade scene, Chun Li pops a sex pill from the future that makes her randy as a jackrabbit. Awesome.... awesome to the max.

Gore: None.

Awesome: While I wouldn't call this movie visually impressive, I would highly recommend this film for a ton of good laughs. Especially if you happen to be into the Street Fighter video game franchise and also speak Canto. I know it's probably not required that you speak Canto to enjoy this film but a lot of it really is lost in translation. (especially the quick dialogue) Check out the trailer below, which is so long it might as well have been the whole movie.

The Last Dragon (1985)

2011-02-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

The Last Dragon (USA, 1985) - Color, Director(s): Michael Schultz
MPAA Rating: PG-13
[UK: 15]
Approx. 109 min.

Z-rating: 4 out of 5 stars

B-factor: 3 out of 5 stars

In honor of both Lunar New Year AND Black History Month, Z-portal's chooses to honor both holidays with this cult classic that touches on both the Eastern and Western cultures. An accomplished martial artist by the name of Bruce Leroy, who obviously idolizes Bruce Lee, must go achieve the "Final Level" of martial arts enlightenment. The only problem is, he must achieve this level of enlightenment on his own. Those who achieve the Final Level are said to possess a mysterious power called "The Glow". Leroy sets out on his journey and happens across a couple interesting characters, including a villainous gang leader by the name of Sho'nuff who refers to himself as the Shogun of Harlem and his eventual love interest in a television VJ named Laura, along the way. (Yes, I said VJ as video jockey. I know it's kind of a dated term, so what?) Laura denied the wrong guy some air time on her show so he sends over a couple of his goons to grab her but here comes Bruce Leroy to the rescue! In between trying to protect his new squeeze and his little brother, all while getting pestered by Sho'nuff for a showdown, he's still in search of a great master who can help guide him in his journey towards enlightenment. Needless to say he beats the bad guy, gets the girl, and saves the day.

This movie was extremely entertaining to watch and despite the disturbing lack of nudity or excessive violence, I really enjoyed this movie. Known for its soundtrack, this film features a slew of artists and music that has since helped cement this film's cult classic status. So much so in fact, that they're planning a remake of this film as I write this. Apparently, Samuel L. Jackson has been cast for the part of Sho'nuff. I'm not big on remakes usually but this is one that I have to admit I'm slightly excited to see what the outcome will be. Lots of fun to watch, this would be a great movie to put on for a few laughs with your Asian girlfriend after dinner at her parents' house. (What's that? You say you don't have an Asian girlfriend? Well, I don't either... but sometimes I like to sit on one end of the couch and laugh really loud while looking to the side and pretending like I have a girlfriend to watch movies with)

Nudity: None.

Gore: None.

Awesome: Very. How can a film that contains no nudity or gratuitous violence make it to my blog? (And receive such favorable ratings no less?) Well, I like to think I'm not completely single dimensional and while I will definitely be focusing more on horror, that's not all I want this to be about. So yes, The Last Dragon is an awesomely entertaining feel good movie in my book. I admit that when I first saw the cover to this movie, even I was slightly turned off by how potentially cheesy it could've been (and not the good cheese but the really bad, stinky cheese that makes you wanna vomit so hard you shit your pants) but as it turns out, I absolutely LOVED this movie. I would recommend this to anyone who hasn't seen it but is looking for a few good cheesy laughs. (And yes, the good cheese)

Coffy (1973)

2011-02-02T01:23:00.000-08:00

Coffy (USA, 1973) - Color, Director(s): Jack Hill
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
Approx. 91 min.

Z-rating: 5 out of 5 stars

B-factor: 3 out of 5 stars

Holy exploitation heaven!!! What a way to kick off Black History Month.... with a review of Coffy!!! I'm sure some of you were left wondering who the babe was that managed to snag the runner-up spot on my list of Top 10 Bad Ass Movie Babes. Well, let me tell you a little something about Coffy... she is one of the baddest fuckin' bitches I've ever seen in any movie. The incredibly sexy Pam Grier cements herself as the queen of blaxploitation cinema with her role in this film. A vigilante nurse is looking to clean up her community by killing off the drug pushers and dealers in her neighborhood after her 11 year old kid sister is hospitalized for shooting up with some bad smack. She works her way up the ladder from small time dope dealers to the people connected with the mob. Hitting the streets with her trusty double-barreled shotty, she lays waste to all of the drug pushers that she comes across. The plot thickens when a slimy crooked politician (NO way!) is thrown into the mix. In the first scene of this film, we see Coffy posing as some strung out chick in need of a "quick fix" in order to get in with one of the drug pushers before pulling out her shotgun and painting the walls with his brains. She then turns her attention to his lackey, who just wanted to "get high and watch", and shoots him up with enough heroin to cause him to die by overdose. She goes back to work the next day and gets the low down from her cop buddy on the "brutal slayings" that took place the night before. (Little does he know that Coffy and her double-barreled boomstick were responsible) She works as a nurse during the day and spends her nights infiltrating the ranks of the underground crime syndicate, later setting up a pimp/drug pusher by dumping out his supply and replacing it with sugar. Attracting the attention of a mob boss by initiating one of the most kick ass catfights in celluloid history, she works her way up the drug ladder murking everyone responsible for the shit entering her community. We also see a pimp/drug pusher get his when he's dragged behind a car by a gangster with rope tied around his neck. For some reason, I found this whole scene to be really disturbing. Just the way that it all went down, King George begging for his life while the gangster laughs with a sadistic glee as he banks hard around turns to smash the lifeless corpse against the curb of sidewalks. Pretty messed up stuff.

Nudity: I can't remember how many actual scenes there were containing nudity, though there was enough nudity to garner a 4 out of 5 stars. If memory serves me correctly, I think we see a couple pairs of jugs during the catfight at a party.

Gore: Not the type you would expect from a horror movie but this film has one of the best headshots I've ever seen. There are some pretty violent things going on in this movie but none of them are outrageous gruesome or gory. 4 out of 5

Awesome: VERY!!! Not only does this film contain one of the best headshots I've ever seen, it has one of the wildest catfights I've ever seen in a movie as well. I think Coffy beats the ass of at least half a dozen hoes at a party after hiding razor blades in her afro. (which manages to cut up the hands of the bitch dumb enough to try to pull her hair) Also, we see a young Sid Haig drag the unsuspecting pimp to his death while tied to the back of his car. One of the best, wildest, and most entertaining exploitation films I've seen in a long time.

Black History Month 2011

2011-02-01T23:06:00.000-08:00

Hey there everybody, I know it's been awhile since I promised to get back on track with posting on this blog and I swear I will once I find a little time to settle down and get back into the groove of things. In the meantime, I'm out of town for the week visiting family since Lunar New Year is coming up and I thought it'd be as good a time as any to spend a little extra time with the fam. Problem is, I'm a little out of my element here as far as reviews go. (since I don't have my super awesome movie collection here with me) So for now, I would like to announce that Z-portal will be celebrating Black History Month with reviews and other cool junk on Blaxploitation films.

I won't be diving super deep into it like I do for Halloween but that will definitely be the theme for this month. I apologize to all my readers for not staying on track with all that I was meaning to do. I'm a little backed up right now but once things stop becoming so hectic, I will be back. This next month is gonna be stacked, I hope you guys are as excited as I am.

Top 10 Recommendations By My Sister

2011-01-27T00:00:00.000-08:00

Today is the birthday of my oldest sister, who would've been 39 years old today if not for the intense battle she lost against Cancer. In remembrance of my sister, I am putting up a(nother) Top 10 list of my favorite recommendations made to me by my sister. A lot of people have been coming to me and offering me their condolences for the loss of my sister. I appreciate everybody's kindness though I feel that not very many people were fortunate enough to spend the amount of time around her to truly realize what a great loss this really was. She was so much fun and so full of life. She was such an intelligent person that could shed a light on any topic and give you a different perspective on so many things. Before I begin to stray though, I would like to say that as far as movies go, she understood my tastes and offered a slew of fantastic movie/TV recommendations. Here are just 10 of my favorites:

10. Underworld (2003) - I know we've seen this movie on this blog a dozen and a half times in the past couple months, that's actually why it's going to make this list as well. If I keep making references to it, probably safe to call it one of my favorites, yeah? This was exactly the type of movie that my sister went for... strong females shooting big guns and/or kicking ass. Tough women, like her, always scored extra points with us when it came time to judge. This movie was pretty kick ass in terms of gun shooting, creature-on-creature violence, and casting the incredibly sexy Kate Beckinsale (one of my all time favorite sexy ladies of cinema!) who turns in a fantastic performance here as the dark and ruthless vampire vixen out hunting werewolves. My sister was the one who first suggested this film to me and let me borrow this on DVD. This movie makes a couple appearances on this blog and has been featured on a couple of lists including my anti-Twilight list of vampire and werewolf movie recommendations.

9. Final Destination (2000) - Knowing my love for blood and guts cinema, as well as my affinity for horror movies, my sister recommended and let me borrow the first Final Destination. (I didn't know then that it would become a never ending franchise with less and less spectacular sequels) There was an interesting and original storyline, creative kills, and Stifler from American Pie getting his head cut off by a rogue flying piece of sharp metal. My sister always knew my taste in movies and suggested this to me back when it was a standalone film. Fun to watch.

8. Italian Job (2003) - Hardcore fans of classic cinema will hound me endlessly for this pick.... but this is MY list motherfuckers. So my sister, who much like myself, was into good heist flicks. She told me that she thought I'd like this movie and said that mom would probably appreciate it too. So after one of our usual Wednesday night family dinners, she had me run up to her place to grab her VHS copy of The Italian Job. (Yes, my sister was old school) We rushed home and popped the movie into the VCR and sat back on the couch, eager to see what my sister was raving about. What we were treated to was a star-studded remake of the 1969 British original by the same name. Mark Wahlberg stars opposite of Charlize Theron with Ed Norton playing the villian?? Awesome. With Jason Statham, Seth Green, and Mos Def supporting? Sweet. Sure, people like to rag on how they totally advertised Mini Coopers but the storyline is there. Look past the product placement and you'll find a very enjoyable remake that both my mom and myself enjoyed.

7. The Others (2001) - After The Sixth Sense, psychological thrillers with a twist ending became all the rage. My sister suggested this film in the same vein as the aforementioned Bruce Willis supernatural thriller. She also lent me this film, telling me how much she enjoyed the "twist" at the end. Trying not to spoil the plot for me, she might've accidentally given away the ending. I just remember expecting something to come, which made it a little less surprising when it happened. Still, one of my favorite psychological supernatural thrillers of all time. Nicole Kidman is another very sexy lady that I like to watch. This one's parodied so often, I'm sure if you haven't seen it by now.... you already have some idea of how this one will end.

6. The Mummy (1999) - One of my favorite remakes of all time!!!!! I freakin LOVE this movie. This is one of the most entertaining films that my sister every recommended to me. I remember when she first lent me the VHS of this baby, I watched it at least a dozen times before returning it to her. Brendan Fraser, who I only knew at the time as the goof from George of the Jungle, completely shattered all my expectations with this amazing performance as a rugged adventurer who is pretty much bad ass in every way I can imagine. Fantastic story that mixes Egyptian mythology with gun blazing action makes this one of my all-time favorites. This was also introduced to me before it became an extended franchise. I liked it better as a standalone film.

5. Se7en (1995) - Once again, my sister definitely knew my tastes when she recommended I watch the movie Se7en. She even lent it to me, I'm pretty sure also on VHS, so I can watch this dark and brutal film about a serial killer who kills according to the 7 Deadly Sins. What was great about this film is that even though there are some graphic scenes, a lot of the violence is actually implied and never explicitly shown. Most of the stomach churning elements of this movie are committed off-screen and what is shown is more of the result of the violence and torture that must have preceded it. This is one of my favorites as well as a great example of a Thriller that takes its time to patiently build its story and doesn't rely on a sudden plot twist at the end to make the movie. The storytelling is fantastic in this film.

4. 24 (2001-2010) - Alright, so this one isn't a movie but it was recommended to me towards the end of 2009 or beginning of 2010. She was telling me how she thought that I'd enjoy this show because of all the shooting and explosions in this show. She built up the show so much that I just had to check it out. I borrowed the first season from her since she had all of them, now she had upgraded to DVDs thankfully, and when I finally popped it into my DVD player, I finished the entire first season in a matter of days. The action and excitement in this series is backed by rock solid storylines, which the show tends to juggle about three at a time, and fantastic performances by everyone inlcuding the always awesome Kiefer Sutherland. Great show, go check it out... now.

3. Doomsday (2008) - When this movie was in theaters, my sister bugged me about watching it for the longest time. From director Neil Marshall (Dog Soldiers, Centurion) comes this post-apocalyptic story of a city walled off after a viral outbreak turns the city's civilians into violent "sickos". My sister's biggest selling point was that she thought I'd enjoy it because it was "good and bloody". As a matter of fact, that's all she had to say. Anything recommended to me by my sister and is approved due to violence was almost guaranteed to be a winner in my book. Sure enough, another strong woman leads the charge back into the forbidden zone in order to find a cure for the disease. Before long, her and her team is captured by a bunch of punk rock cannibals that cook and eat one of her friends. Great stuff.

2. Taken (2009) - Another movie that my sister saw before me in theaters, she bugged me to watch this one for a long time as well before I eventually got around to it. She kept describing the movie to me as some older guy who doesn't look like he can fight just going around and taking everyone out. My interest was piqued as I waited for a DVD release since it was out of theaters by the time I found the time to go see it. Sure enough, my sister was absolutely right about me enjoying this film as I popped it into my DVD player to find none other than Qui-Gon Jinn... shaved!!! I love how he was able to kick so much ass but not have to be an extremely fit young guy who runs off of walls or something. Liam Neeson is very convincing as a kick ass older guy who is tough as nails and highly trained. (a role which he cements in The A-Team)

1. The Omen Trilogy (1976-1981) - When I first started my Netflix account, I did so because I realized that I was a very big fan of horror movies. The problem was that I had not seen a lot of the classic horror movies that serious horror fans would know off the top of their head. So after re-watching some of the some of the classic horror movies like A Nightmare on Elm Street, Hellraiser, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I needed some ideas on what to watch. One of the first series of film recommended to me after I started my Netflix account was The Omen trilogy. The reason I refer to it as a trilogy is because that's how they were recommended to me and that's how I watched them. There was also a fourth made-for-TV installment and a remake that came out in 2006, but the original trilogy had a continuous storyline that spanned the three films. In the original, we see the son of the devil born and how he is unaware of the evil around him. The second film is about his teenage years where he finds out that he's the anti-christ. Then in the final chapter, he's a full grown adult who is fully aware of who he is and fully understands his powers. Great movies that rank high up on my list of favorite film series/franchises. Probably my favorite recommendation by my sister though I think I can safely say that any of the films on this list could've taken #1 on a different day.

Thinner (1996)

2011-01-18T00:00:00.000-08:00

Thinner (USA, 1996) - Color, Director(s): Tom Holland
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
Approx. 92 min.

Z-rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

B-factor: 1 out of 5 stars

First off, my apologies to all my readers for having been away. As stated in my last couple posts, my sister had recently passed away and I've been busy scrambling to get everything done in time for her ceremony. With that said, I look forward to a New Year with great interest and look forward to meeting a ton of new people. Thank you loyal readers who showed their support (Oli) during this time of need. But I'm back now, and I wanna talk about some New Year Resolutions. I know that during this time of year, gyms are busiest because they're packed with a bunch of fatties who resolved to lose some weight for New Years. The funny thing is that by mid-to-late Feb, most of these people would've given up on their resolution and begin staying home. Silly chubbies, didn't you know you can just piss of a Gypsy and have a curse put on you? Best diet ever... you can eat whatever you want and still lose the weight!!

Based on a novel by Stephen King, written under his pen name Richard Bachman, this movie begins with an obese lawyer defending a gangster in a case where he's being charged with putting a bounty on another man's head. Billy Halleck, who reminds me of Jiminy Glick doing his best "Dirty Harry" impression, gets the case thrown out. While driving home one night from a celebration dinner, his wife gets a little frisky in the front seat and helps herself to a little meaty Man-sausage. Well, as you probably already guessed, that story ends the way it always does... with one dead gypsy and an entire cover-up in the works. Wanting revenge for this fossil, that was trying run down while crossing the street, is her even more archaic father who puts a curse on each of the men responsible for the death of his daughter. Without spoiling what the other contestants got for their prize, our lucky protagonist gets to shed a few pounds with the patented on "Thinner" diet... um... curse. The pounds are just falling off this man and since there's so much of it to lose, this Gypsy curse actually seems like a good thing at first, until it doesn't stop. The pounds are dropping off by the dozen and poor Billy Helleck needs to eat insatiably in order to keep from just deteriorating away. (Oh god, the horror!!) Needless to say though, things start getting a little ridiculous and he goes in search of the gypsy to lift the curse because only the one that put it on may take it off. Unable to make a convince them on his own, he phones in the help of his new found gangster pal....

This Stephen King film scared the crap out of me as a kid, probably because I was quite pudgy myself. Either way, I found this to be a fitting movie to return on because of how relevant it was to the topic of New Years Resolutions and it also fit my horror focus. Anyone else up for some pie?

"Hey, punk, I thought I told you THIN crust..."

Nudity: Nothing good.

Gore: Used sparingly, not over-the-top but effective. The wife's face when she wakes up the morning after was always a freaky scene.

Awesome: Kinda. Probably not the best movie I've ever seen, but I thought it wasn't a terrible choice for me to get back into the groove of reviewing. I'll be back with more soon, good luck to all with your New Years Resolutions!!!

Top 5 Celebrity Deaths in 2010

2011-01-08T02:32:00.000-08:00

2010 was a year, for me, that was shrouded by significant deaths in the family. Seeing as death was all around me, I thought I'd come up with another list (this time a Top 5) of notable celebrity deaths in the horror genre. I wanted to write a review but couldn't decide on which movie to review so I'll just put this up for now. Reviews will be coming soon, I promise. In the meantime, check out this short list:

5. Lisa Blount (1957-2010)

Known in horror circles for her roles in Dead & Buried, a zombie film that was actually banned in the Video Nasties act of 1984, and John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness. She also starred in the uber-violent Italian exploitation film Cut and Run, directed by Ruggero Deodato, the final chapter in Deodato's cannibal trilogy.

4. Corey Haim (1971-2010)

Corey Haim who, along with fellow childhood star Corey Feldman became known as "The Two Coreys", made a name for himself in the movie The Lost Boys. (A fang-tastic vampire film I named in my anti-Twilight post) Preceding this performance with a role in the werewolf film, based on a novel by renowned horror author Stephen King, Silver Bullet. (which I'm sure was also a better movie than Twilight)

3. Leslie Nielsen (1926-2010)

Funny man Leslie Nielson is best known for his roles in comedies such as Airplane!, Wrongfully Accused, and The Naked Gun series. His significance to the horror community comes in the form of horror anthology Creepshow. Written by horror author Stephen King himself, and directed by none other than George A. Romero, this awesome film features five different segments of horror shorts. (with special effects by special effects master, Tom Savini) In addition to this serious horror role, he starred in a comedic retelling of the classic tale of Dracula in the film Dracula: Dead and Loving It as well as the horror parodies Scary Movie 3 and 4. (long after they stopped being funny because the Wayans brothers left the series)

2. Dennis Hopper (1936-2010)

Rebel actor Dennis Hopper played many roles throughout his career, from gangsters to cheesy video game characters and even the leader of a terrorist group in the hit show 24, but none more memorable (at least to me, in relation to the horror genre) than the police Lieutenant in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Following a lead on the killer family in this sequel to the original TCM, Hopper ultimately comes to save the day by dueling chainsaws with ol' Leatherface!!! (You can't make this stuff up!) Hopper also starred in the more recent zombie movie flub, Land of the Dead, but I really don't much care for that film myself. (I would like to mention that Hopper was super bad ass in the more recent 2008 biker film, Hell Ride)

1. Zelda Rubinstein (1933-2010)

A face that I'm sure many already recognize, Zelda Rubinstein is best known for her role as the psychic medium in the supernatural horror Poltergeist. One of the best, if not THE best, creepy ladies in all of horrorland... Zelda had the creepiest voice for explaining the "rules" to the supernatural I've ever heard. She played a similar character in (many films I'm sure) the 2006 pseudo-documentary/slasher Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon. She will be a great loss to the horror community, without a doubt.

Z-portal would like to recognize these celebrities for their contributions to the horror genre and pay homage to their work. These great actors/actresses will be missed by the horror community and, I'm sure, by the world as a whole. I, for one, will be re-watching the films that I've listed in this list... would anyone care to join me?

Tribute: Top 10 Bad Ass Babes

2011-01-06T00:00:00.000-08:00

Those of you who know me personally knows that my sister just passed away recently. She was diagnosed with lung cancer early on in 2010 and fought an uphill battle all the way. She was the strongest person I've ever known, with the exception of my mother for having to suffer the loss of her own mother and daughter within the same year. (Keep your chin up mom!!!) So in honor of two of the toughest ladies I've ever known in my life, I would like to dedicate this list to the toughest, baddest, hardest-hitting females ever to grace the silver screen.

10. Sarah from The Descent (Shauna Macdonald)

A spelunking trip goes fubar as this "all girls" outing turns into a nightmare when the cave they're exploring collapses around them. As if things weren't bad enough, they're also trapped in the cave with a bunch of blind predatory creatures. Losing both her husband and daughter in a car crash, as well as the lot of her closest friends in those caves, she teeters on the edge of sanity. After finding out that one of her "friends" killed her closest friend (by accident) AND slept with her man.... she totally loses it. She goes off the deep end and totally beasted on a few of those creatures before exacting her revenge on that two-faced bitch and leaving her for dead in the caves down below. Hardcore...

9. Alice from Resident Evil: Apocalypse (Milla Jovovich)

After being infected with the T-virus, she goes from being an lost naked chick with amnesia to an ultra bad ass femme fatale that can run down the side of a building AND kick your ass. I picked her out of the second movie because this was her at her most bad ass, back before there was a million of her and had the ability to kill with a stare. I mean, come on, she even fought Nemesis hand-to-hand. You can't tell me that's not pretty fucking bad ass right there. Besides, not everyone can look as good as she does while kicking butt. Undead, rotten, decaying zombie butt. (Also worth noting: Jovovich was the bad ass babe in Ultraviolet as well)

8. Sarah Connor from Terminator 2 (Linda Hamilton)

Talk about bad ass, you've got to be a real bad ass if you're going to raise the future savior of mankind. Transforming from a terrified young lady who's being chased by an unrelenting killer robot in the first movie to a tough as nails, take no bullshit, big bad mama who pulls off a daring escape from the loony bin to fight off a liquid metal automaton from the future with a hail storm of bullets. She breaks a few bones while making her way out of the nuthouse, holds her psychiatrist hostage with a syringe full of liquid drain opener, and shoots up somebody's house with an automatic rifle. She was definitely a fighter, no doubt...

7. Fox from Wanted (Angelina Jolie)

Whether she's raiding tombs, curving bullets, or masquerading as a housewife while she's secretly an assassin, Angelina Jolie is one of the baddest (and hottest) of bad ass babes ever to grace the silver screen. A personal favorite of my sister's, she always enjoyed watching Angelina Jolie with a gun in her hand. I must admit, this is definitely when she is at her best. (Also worth noting: Angelina Jolie was also in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, Beowulf, and Salt)

6. Zen from Chocolate (JeeJa Yanin)

You wanna talk about a bad ass babe that's a real fighter, JeeJa Yanin is one of the newest faces around to keep an eye out for. In her debut role as Zen, the autistic martial arts prodigy who grows up next door to a Muay Thai school, goes around collecting her mother's old debts from when she used to run with a leader of the Japanese mob. She kicks ass Bruce Lee-style in fight at the ice factory (borrowed from Big Boss), is involved in a bad ass beat down at the meat market, and lays waste to a room full of people with samurai swords... I'd say she's earned her place on this list of bad ass babes. (Also worth noting: JeeJa followed up this fantastic performance with a role as a stylized Drunken B-Boy fighter in Raging Phoenix)

5. Luz from Machete (Michelle Rodriguez)

This one-eyed revolutionary femme fatale is a major bad ass (with a soft heart!) who runs a taco truck that serves the hungry day laborers. Helping to propagate the myth that is SHE, Michelle Rodriguez works as an underground organizer for a group that aides in the relocation of immigrants and assists in job placement once they cross the border. Operating mostly under the radar, when the time comes, SHE takes to arms and fights alongside Machete and her people against crooked politicians and unjust immigration laws. Viva la Revolución!!! (Also worth noting: Michelle Rodriguez stars opposite of Milla Jovovich in the first Resident Evil movie and plays a variety of other tough girl roles in movies such as the Fast and the Furious, Girlfight, and Million Dollar Baby)

4. Ellen Ripley from Aliens (Sigourney Weaver)

Ellen Ripley is one of the quintessential bad ass ladies ever to have graced the silver screen. She does something that none of the other lovely ladies on this list ever was able to accomplish, kick ass in space!!! Much like the other ladies that are a part of an ongoing film franchise, she comes back badder than ever in the sequel, so my pick is Ripley from Aliens. (The second film in the series) This time, she actually knows what she's up against and, albeit involuntarily, returns to the Alien planet that is now home to a terraforming colony. When the group of ragtag marines she is accompanying start getting slaughtered and begin to lose all hope, Ripley is ready to step up and kick her some extraterrestrial ass. (Come git sum!!!) Who can forget her epic battle with the Alien Queen in that giant robotic suit? (Also worth noting: Weaver, who played Ripley through four consecutive films in the Aliens franchise, was also the hard ass research scientist in Avatar. Let's not forget that, after being possessed by a demon, she also became "The Gatekeeper" in the first Ghostbusters movie)

3. Beatrix "The Bride" Kiddo in Kill Bill (Uma Thurman)

After taking a bullet to the head on her wedding day and waking up in the hospital to find her unborn child is gone, this deadly ex-assassin begins down a blood-drenched path of furious vengeance against the people responsible... leaving behind only a trail of death and mangled bodies in her wake. Armed with little more than a katana made by the greatest Japanese swordsmith in the world, she battles like 100 gangsters armed with samurai swords in her yellow tracksuit. (Yeah, I know they're the Crazy 88 but I don't think that's cause there are 88 of them) She stops at nothing to get her revenge, eventually culminating to a final battle between her and Bill. (the late David Carradine) Trained in various hand-to-hand combat techniques including Kung Fu and Japanese swordplay as well as weapons training to use guns and whatnot. There's no denying that she was a total bad ass in this movie. (Also worth noting: Uma Thurman also played the sexy but deadly Poison Ivy in Batman & Robin)

2. Coffy from Coffy (Pam Grier)

Alright!! Now, you wanna talk bad ass? No list of Bad Ass Babes would be complete without Coffy. This is an absolute wild woman we're talking about here. You see, her little sister doped up with some bad smack and is now lying somewhere in a coma. Pretending to be a junkie in need of a fix, she warms up to a local dealer who brings her back to his place so he can try her out... but she pulls out a double barrel shotgun and blows his head off!!! In what has to be my favorite chick fight I've ever seen in any movie, Coffy hides a bunch of razor blades in her fro and goes to put a beat down on a bunch of white girls. Chaos ensues and, sure enough, one of the girls eventually goes for the hair-pull. (but gets two fistfuls of razor blades for her efforts) No doubt one of the baddest bad ass babes of all time. (Also worth noting: Pam Grier also plays Foxy Brown, Jackie Brown, and a slew of other strong female roles)

1. Jessica Yang from Supercop (Michelle Yeoh)

My vote for the number one spot would've been Pam Grier as Coffy but being a list that I'm dedicating to my sister, I thought it'd be only fitting to have number one be an Asian star. As fast and dangerous as she is beautiful, Michelle Yeoh was super bad ass in her role as Jessica Yang in Supercop. Starring opposite of Jackie Chan, Yeoh was able to hold her own in this film and kicked ass in a ton of amazing fight scenes. No stranger to martial arts cinema, Yeoh has starred in many martial arts films including Tai Chi Master, Wing Chun, and Heroic Trio. If you haven't seen Michelle Yeoh in action, Supercop would be a great film to introduce Yeoh. I'm sure my sister wouldn't argue my choice for the number one spot on this list. (Also worth noting: Michelle Yeoh was the love interest of Chow Yun Fat in the movie Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon)

And so, I dedicate this list of my Top 10 strong female characters to my sister who was a fighter that fought all the way until the end. Too bad she wasn't battling against a physical opponent as I'm sure she would've kicked its ass. I love you so much and I always will. Your memory will live on forever.

LAMB Acceptance!!!

2011-01-05T10:13:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a couple days since I've posted but I haven't been slacking off, I promise you that, I've just been working on a couple different posts that I haven't had a chance to finish as of yet. Although, I do have some good news in the meantime. I have been accepted into a movie blog association that I was trying to join and I'm currently being featured on their homepage!!! I'm really excited about this and would love a show of support. You can click on the image above to link to their homepage (also on blogger) where I should still be featured at the top. (For any stragglers that come after I've been bumped off, can check out the direct link to my entry by clicking here)

Show me some love by checking out my new association cause if I refer enough people over to them, I get my name on their leaderboard. (YEAH!!!)

This association seems kinda cool, I absolutely love that their name can be shortened to Large Ass Movie Blog... or even further to LAMB, where it becomes relevant to use images from the movie Black Sheep for their banners and icons. (genius!)

New Year, New Focus

2011-01-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

Happy New Years to all!!!! In honor of the New Year, Z-portal will be trying out a new rating system (details here) and also shifting the focus of this blog. I seem to have stretched myself a bit thin by jumping in and out of different genres, with no real direction, which may have been a bit confusing to my readers. So with the New Year, I would like to drive this blog in a new direction so as to have a more concise focus. And so, I will be returning to my roots and focusing on the genre that I know best... Horror. That's not to say that this blog will become a straight up Horror blog and never talk about any other genres, I started this blog so I could talk about the movies that I love with people who share similar interests. What I am saying is that I will primarily be focused on Horror with an emphasis on cheesy, sleazy, dark, obscure, outrageous, and exploitative cinema. (but wasn't that supposed to be the focus all along? ...shut up...)

I will still try to encompass different genres such as Kung Fu, Sci-Fi, Thrillers, and even Comedy. The reason for the need to re-focus this blog is because I am also a regular viewer of foreign films but whenever I get into a conversation about them, I realize that I primarily watch dark and disturbing (mostly Horror) films from other countries. Then I came to realize that I'm really not particularly fond of either Romance or Dramas (foreign or otherwise) and so I would like to shift my focus to shy away from too many feel good films. Don't get me wrong, I like to "feel good" just as much as the next guy... I'm just old enough now that I don't always need my movies to have some Disney-esque happy-go-lucky ending. The world isn't as perfect as all that and I hope that my readers aren't here looking for those kinds of fairy tale movies, as I'm sure you'll be severely disappointed. (If you were looking for Disney films and somehow ended up here.... you were seriously misguided)

So if you'd like to take a journey into the darker side of cinema... turn out the lights, pack an extra pair of underwear, and get ready for the ride of your life. (cause this is about as close to Disney as I get....

)

A Very Scary Christmas to All!!!

2010-12-25T18:00:00.000-08:00

I would like to wish everyone a Very Scary Christmas. I had originally intended to review a bunch of films for Christmas this year but being a slacker, I ran out of time. So instead, I thought I'd just compile them into a list that you guys can check out and I'll just get around to actually reviewing each film individually at a later time. I hope everyone's enjoying their holidays!!

First up, I was going to review Jack Frost. This super cheesy B-movie is fun to watch as long as you know what you're getting into. Somewhere along the lines of a SyFy original movie, this cheesy B-horror is about a serial killer who is being moved when he dies in an accident involving a chemical spill. His body is melted into the snow and everyone assumes that he's dead, until his body reforms into a deranged mutant killer snowman. Back to wreak havoc in his new snowy body, he takes his revenge against those who let him die.

Next up was going to be the sequel, Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman. Now, if you thought that the first movie was cheesy... you're going to LOVE this one. I don't remember the storyline exactly but he somehow ends up on a tropical island and, instead of melting like normal snow would, he sneaks around killing people nearly undetected. (I mean, who would ever suspect a killer snowman to be on a tropical island?) At least this time around, he actually looks like the picture on the cover.

For Christmas today, I was going to review Santa's Slay. Professional wrestler Bill Goldberg stars as a murderous Santa Claus who stalks and slashes "naughty" little boys and girls. (Okay, so I don't actually remember him picking his victims... he just kinda killed indiscriminately from what I remember) Watching a big, buff Santa Claus murder people makes me giggle like a little schoolgirl. Highly recommended for those looking to get into the holiday spirit.

And finally, since Canadians will be celebrating boxing day tomorrow, I was going to review Black Christmas. This Canadian horror flick falls perfectly into both of my themes for this month, Christmas Away from Home AND a Very Scary Christmas. A group of sorority sisters are receiving creepy phone calls by a mysterious stranger that is stalking them all around the house. Slowly, they're killed off one by one in this atmospheric Canadian slasher. Remade here in the States back in 2006, the American version felt more like one of those quickie MTV remakes. They tried to up the gore and use pretty young ladies to keep viewer interest peaked. (Totally falls flat compared to the original though)

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Also, there were some movies that would definitely into the theme... except I haven't seen them myself. So instead of robbing all of you of these films, I decided to just link out to people who did review these films. Check out the following reviews from my friends over at Forced Viewing and also one from the super cool horror review site, Killer Reviews.

6 Films to Keep You Awake: The Christmas Tale - http://forcedviewing.com/2010/12/24/6-films-to-keep-you-awake-the-christmas-tale/

Christmas Evil - http://forcedviewing.com/2010/12/17/christmas-evil-reviewed-by-the-drudgeon/

Elves - http://forcedviewing.com/2010/12/23/elves-reviewed-by-the-drudgeon/

Gingerdead Man - http://www.killerreviews.com/staff_review.php?movieid=4151

Happy Holidays everyone!!!! I hope everybody was able to get into the spirit of this holiday season.

LAST DAY for Custom Cinema Sewer Books

2010-12-24T14:20:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to inform anyone who didn't know, Robin Bougie will stop accepting requests for custom inside covers in January... so anyone who didn't get their books should go do so IMMEDIATELY!!!!! Unfortunately, I didn't have the foresight to tell everyone about this earlier because they would've made EXCELLENT stocking stuffers. (I know I would've jizzed in my pants!)

So just a heads up, LAST DAY to request a custom drawing on the inside cover will be Jan. 15, 2011. I know I would've loved one or both of these for Christmas.... *hint hint*

http://cinemasewer.ecrater.com/

Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed (2004)

2010-12-23T05:30:00.000-08:00

Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed (Canada, 2004) - Color, Director(s): Brett Sullivan
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
Approx. 94 min.

Z-rating: 7 out of 10 stars

I'm sorry everyone for slacking off on writing reviews, I've had some family business to tend to but I'm back now that I've got a bit of down time. I picked this movie to review earlier on when I was looking for some foreign Christmas films to celebrate those who are spending Christmas Away from Home. I didn't remember there being anything related to Christmas in this film, so I popped it in for another viewing and there was hardly anything Christmas themed in this movie except for the snow and some Christmas decoration towards the end!!! I almost didn't want to review this movie because it wasn't really a Christmas movie but I figure that since we're doing a Very Scary Christmas instead now, I might as well review this movie since I watched it again.

Emily Perkins reprises her role as Brigitte Fitzgerald in this sequel to the Canadian werewolf/teen scream, Ginger Snaps. Four years after the events of the first movie, Bridgett is desperately trying to find a cure for the "disease" that claimed the life of her dear older sister and threatens to take over her life as well. She is also being stalked by another werewolf, who apparently wants to do the horizontal monster mash with her, forcing her to stay on the run constantly. After passing out in the snow, she awakens to find herself in a rehabilitation clinic/chronic care facility where she's currently being held under the suspicion that she's been abusing drugs. (Cause it's an all too common mistake to confuse little vials of purple liquid for smack) In actuality, she's really been shooting up with monkshood, also known as wolfsbane, which is said to be poisonous to werewolves. Trying to sneak around and hide the signs that she's slowly transforming into a mangy mutt by doing things like cutting off her pointed ears, she eventually draws the attention of an impressionable little girl nicknamed Ghost. Overhearing that the drug Brigitte has been shooting into her veins is called wolfsbane, Ghost retreats to her grandmother's room to retrieve her hidden comic book collection in order to do a little "research". After making the connection to Brigitte's condition, Ghost is on her like stink on shit and asking all the typical questions that curious young minds like to inquire. She is also paid a visit by a very friendly orderly, named Tyler, who offers to give her a quick fix and tells her to drop trou. Initially she tells him to fuck off but eventually comes around (they always do!) as they begin building a very beautiful working relationship where as long as he keeps the purple stuff flowing, she doesn't devour his liver by chewing a hole through his sternum. (Sounds like a fair trade to me, no?) All seems well in rehab-land but before you can say "sit, Rover", Ghost finds the head and mutilated remains of her beloved dog, Rocky, outside. (Play dead, Rocky. Good boy!) Seemingly devoured by a large beast of some sort, Brigitte realizes that the werewolf has found her and tries to escape the facility. With the help of Ghost, these two make their way to Ghost's old house with the Hellhound hot on their tails. (Man, talk about a dog with a bone... whooo, I am killing em tonight!) Unrelenting in his pursuit of her, Brigitte decides that she is done running and it's time to fight back...

Nudity: 2.5 out of 5. There is a VERY nice scene when they're escaping the clinic, they come across Tyler banging the cure into one of those strung out druggie chicks. (Luckily for us, she's the hot one) There is also a scene where a class full of girls shove their hands down their pants and start twiddling their twats in unison like an orchestra of violinists that all forgot their bows. That's pretty hot considering there's no explicit nudity shown in the second scene mentioned.

Gore: 3.5 out of 5. Pretty decent gore, though not a ton like you would find in say... Dog Soldiers. However, this is definitely rooted in horror genre so you can expect to see some quality blood spatter any time someone is mauled by the werewolf.

Awesome: Pretty awesome. I like the first one a little better because it had a better storyline. Even though I'm sure this sequel had a better budget for effects, the lack of Ginger (Katharine Isabelle) in this film deeply disturbs me. Not to take anything away Emily Perkins, she does great in this movie now that she finally gets her spot in the limelight. The first one just seemed more relevant to the growing pains that young teens experience rather than ending up in drug rehab, an experience that not everyone has the pleasure of enjoying.

A Very Scary Christmas - 2010

2010-12-17T00:00:00.001-08:00

With Christmas less than 10 days away, we're going to switch things up a little here at the Z-portal. This month I was going for a "Christmas Away from Home" theme and, while I'll still try to suggest foreign films for those who are spending Christmas away from home, I'm going back to my roots in horror and I'm going to try to make this X-mas...

A Very Scary Christmas!!!

Go (1999)

2010-12-16T00:00:00.000-08:00

Go (USA, 1999) - Color, Director(s): Doug Liman
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
Approx. 102 min.

Z-rating: 8.5 out of 10 stars

Nobody said that spending Christmas Away from Home always had to be a drag. Sometimes people are purposely away from home for Christmas, for example, to go to a rave or some sort of awesome party instead. There are some wild adventures out there that are just waiting to happen. This movie goes to show you that being away from home for Christmas might not always be the worst situation, just gotta make sure you watch out for those cars.

A pre-Dawn of the Dead remake Sarah Polley can be seen here as Ronna Martin, a cashier at a local grocery store. Offering to take a shift for her fellow co-worker Simon (Desmond Askew) so he can spend the weekend in Vegas, we find out that poor Ronna is in need of some quick cash because she is about to be evicted from her apartment. While working her extra shift, two guys walk in looking to score some ecstasy from Simon who is usually at the register. Desperate for the money, she tells the two guys that she'll take care of them all while planning to go over Simon's head and straight to his dealer. Katie Holmes plays her concerned friend who debates drug dealing etiquette with Ronna and tries to convince her not to step on anyone's toes. Ignoring her friend, Ronna decides to pay a visit to Simon's dealer (played by Timothy Olyphant who played a similar character in The Girl Next Door) to ask him to do her this one favor. What she doesn't know however is that he gives head before he gives favors and seeing as he doesn't even give his best friends head, the chances of her getting a favor are pretty fucking slim. Predictably, being a girl and everything, she's able to score the number of hits of ecstasy that the guys were looking to pick up. (Not before she's forced to take her shirt off and prove she's not wearing a wire or anything) After she scores the X, she goes to deliver to the guys that wanted to buy it but after getting there, things seem a little fishy. Figuring that something wasn't quite right, she goes to the bathroom and flushes all her pills down the toilet. She gets outta the house without being busted but now she has a bigger problem... she flushed all the product down the toilet but didn't get ANY money for it. Thinking fast, she runs out to a pharmacy and grabs a bunch of different pills to try to come close to the size and shape that Todd Gaines (the dealer) had. She ends up going back to his house to "return" the stuff (now replaced with allergy meds) and after he takes it all back without a fuss, she thinks she got off Scot-free and heads to a rave in progress to sell off the rest of her "thizz" pills. The Baby Tylenol pills don't fool Todd for long and, before you know it, he's hot on her heels and packing heat. Will Ronna get what's coming to her or will she escape once again?

Sounds like I've pretty much given you a rundown of this whole movie already but the beauty of this film is that the story unfolds Tarantino-style. Meaning that it's told in a non-linear fashion, and from multiple points-of-view, as the director takes some creative liberties with the story. The pacing of this film is pretty fast-paced and many have compared this to Tarantino's own Pulp Fiction. Despite many favorable comparisons, critics of this film have called it a "junior Pulp Fiction" as if to slam the film. I'll be the first to admit that this is no Pulp Fiction but I still loved this movie very much. There's still more to come in the movie including Simon's adventures with his friends in Vegas along with the backstory on those two guys that were trying to buy those ecstasy pills.

Nudity: 2 out of 5. You get to see some boobs while Simon is bedding two chicks from a wedding in Vegas, again later when he walks into a strip club, and then while he's getting a lapdance. Also, Sarah Polley takes her shirt off but you don't get to see anything

Gore: Other than some people getting shot, you don't really see too much blood or guts. I would give this a 0.5 out of 5

Awesome: VERY. There are people on both sides of the line, people who love it and those who hate it. I, for one, absolutely LOVE this movie and while I will admit that it can't really compete with Pulp Fiction in terms of sheer awesomeness, I still think this movie does a damn good job of interweaving its stories and presenting them in a very stylish and entertaining matter. I mean, sure it doesn't beat Pulp Fiction, but what movie really does? Pulp Fiction is one of those CLASSIC films that you're going to talk about for ages. "Go" is going to be one of those underrated films that someone will mention to you years from now, during a conversation about how GREAT of a movie Pulp Fiction was, and you're going to be stuck wondering to yourself why nobody ever told you about this movie earlier. Do yourself a favor and GO get your hands on a copy of this movie. GO!!!!

P2 (2007)

2010-12-14T12:00:00.000-08:00

P2 (USA, 2007) - Color, Director(s): Franck Khalfoun
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
Approx. 98 min.

Z-rating: 8 out of 10 stars

Talk about a nightmare at the office, continuing on with my "Christmas Away from Home" theme and being stuck at the office (à la Die Hard) this is an extreme example of what can go wrong while staying late at the office over Christmas break. This enticing and suspenseful thriller comes from a script that was put together by the power trio of Khalfoun (who also directed), Grégory Levasseur (who has also done work on movies like The Hills Have Eyes and High Tension), and Alexandre Aja (the famous goremeister director)

P2 is about a BEAUTIFUL girl named Angela (Rachel Nichols) who stays late at the office on Christmas Eve. She has plans to spend Christmas with her family and is just finishing up some last minute work at the office before heading home for dinner. Going to her car (in the underground parking lot at level P2, oOoOo), she realizes that it won't start and calls a cab. The creepy parking lot attendant isn't of much help with the car but offers to spend Christmas with her. When her cab arrives she finds herself locked in with no one left in the building to let her out, she's forced to go back down to the parking garage to look for some assistance. She's wandering around in the darkness looking for the parking lot attendant but before you can say "date rape", the guy jumps out of the shadows and chloroforms her. Waking up tied to a chair and now wearing a dress, she comes to with the creepy parking lot attendant, Thomas, tending to her and setting up a cozy dinner for two. Thomas goes on to explain that he's been watching her through the security cameras and has fallen in love with her despite her flaws. During her first escape attempt, Thomas takes a fork to the back as she frantically tries to scramble away before being stopped in her tracks by mean little rottweiler. Thomas ties her up once again and takes her down to a level where a drunken co-worker that hit on Angela at a part has been beaten and bound to a chair. In a display of his affection for her, Thomas plays judge and jury when sentencing this perpetrator to death. (by ramming him against the wall with a car and crushing him to death) Angela begs and pleads with Thomas to be set free but it doesn't look like this lonely parking lot attendant is ready to lose the love of his life so easily. So the beautiful Angela needs to step up to plate and take matters into her own hands if she ever wants to get home to see her family this Christmas...

What I really liked about this movie was that none of it seemed too far-fetched. Every desperate loser has been in a situation where we wish we could spend just ONE night with the girl of our dreams. Trust me, I've obsessed over enough pretty girls in my life to know that there are plenty of psycho guys out there hiding in the darkness like borderline stalkers watching from a distance. I'm usually the one cheering for the bad guys in the movies but in this film, I can almost sympathize with the antagonist. He wasn't some unstoppable and brutish masked-maniac fueled by pure evil and the overwhelming desire to kill, he was just your Average Joe who's been pining over a beautiful girl and would do just about ANYTHING to spend a little extra time with her. Perhaps he took his obsession a little too far and actually kidnapped her but that's what happens sometimes when you're a little on edge. Everyone needs a little love, even lonely parking lot attendants that stalk pretty girls via CCTV cameras.

Nudity: None but you get to see a lot of skin on the lovely Rachel Nichols when the parking lot attendant changes her into a tight white dress that shows off more of her body. She also runs around barefoot for almost all of the movie. The actress has a very pale complexion and I must say... I do looove pale skin.

Gore: 1 out of 5. Very minimal gore, this is more of a thriller than a horror so don't expect a lot of blood splattering or guts hanging out. The violence in this film is very satisfying and is only used to accentuate the story.

Awesome: This was, surprisingly, a very satisfying thriller. I would compare this movie to Red Eye in that both have very beautiful leading ladies in suspenseful roles and must overcome a single male stalker/antagonist. Neither were overly violent nor did they have to be. I would say I enjoyed both of them the same. Highly recommended for fans of Red Eye.

Die Hard (1988)

2010-12-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

Die Hard (USA, 1988) - Color, Director(s): John McTiernan
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
Approx. 131 min.

Z-rating: 8 out of 10 stars for entertaining violence and pure bad assery

Continuing with my "Christmas Away from Home" theme, one reason that people may not be able to spend Christmas at home might be because they have to stay late or put in a few extra hours at the office. Nobody likes to be held up at work, especially on Christmas Eve, but I'm sure everyone's glad that they're getting paid to be there and not being held against their will by a bunch of terrorists.

N.Y.P.D. cowboy John McClane (Bruce Willis) is in L.A. trying to settle things with his wife when the company Christmas party they're attending is hijacked by a bunch of terrorists. The takeover begins when McClane is in another room changing for the party. Although he is able to hear them enter and escape without being detected by the group, he forgets to put on his shoes and has to run around barefoot for a majority of the film as a result. Willis is fantastic in the role of the wisecracking, tough talking, vigilante bad ass that is John McClane. Starring opposite of Willis is Alan Rickman who, before playing Snape in the Harry Potter films, made his debut in this film as Hans Gruber, the ringleader of the terrorist cell in this quintessential action film. As he slowly dispatches of one terrorist after another, he makes his way through the building and throws the proverbial monkey wrench into the works. Their plan is revealed to be a charade, initially posing as terrorists with extremist goals to attract the attention of the local authorities but their agenda was to steal over $640 million in bearer bonds from the company. With minimal assistance from the authorities outside, John McClane takes matters into his own hands and attempts to stop these wannabe terrorists before they can make off with a ton of stolen money.

What a lot of people don't know about this movie is that it's actually based on a novel entitled, "Nothing Lasts Forever" that is actually a sequel to the book, "The Detective". The original book was also adapted into a feature length film, of the same title, starring Frank Sinatra. Although there's plenty of shooting, explosions, and excitement in this film... the first shot isn't fired until 18 minutes into it, so expect a little story with your action.

Nudity: Apparently there was a brief nude scene where a woman's breasts are shown but to be honest, it must've been so brief that I keep missing it.

Gore: Tons of blood from people getting shot but nothing really gory or visceral like you would find in a horror movie. There aren't too many graphic depictions of people getting shot but there are a couple scenes that show the spatter on the walls resulting from a gunshot.

Awesome: to the MAX!!!! This is one of the most famous action movies of all time and it definitely stands the test of time. This movie was so awesome that it spawned three sequels and a line of video games that chronicle the adventures of John McClane between or after the movies.

Twilight Sucks!!!

2010-12-04T12:00:00.000-08:00

In honor of the Twilight DVD release, I would like to bash this crappy series for effectively ruining the good name of vampires and werewolves alike. Thanks for sissifying two of the greatest movie monsters that Hollywood had to offer. Vampires have been dark, mysterious, AND sexy ever since vampire lore began. They didn't need to queer it all up by throwing a bunch of MTV-approved pretty boys into the mix... vampires already had sex appeal. So in protest of this blatant perversion and outright defilement of two of my favorite childhood cinematic movie monsters, Z-portal is offering up a list of quality (Okay, you know that word has no real bearing on this blog) vampire and werewolf movies to watch instead of this Twilight crap:

What a bad ass...

The Lost Boys (1987) - Long before his days as Jack Bauer working for CTU, Kiefer Sutherland was a super bad ass vampire named David. Okay... so I realize that name doesn't exactly strike terror into the hearts of the innocent but believe me, the guy's a bad ass for sure. This movie is a perfect example of how you can make vampires relevant to the youth of its time but still keep the bad ass persona. (cause vampires are supposed to be bad ass, not a bunch of pussies!!!)

Vampires (1998) - Speaking of bad ass vampires, I have to mention Valek from John Carpenter's Vampires. While at a party is being held for a bunch of slayers celebrating their recent successul raid on a vampire's nest, this master vampire appears at their front door and proceeds to massacre everyone inside.

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) - One of my favorite vampire movies of all time, you'd be surprised half way through when this heist film suddenly becomes a vampire movie. (if you didn't know what kind of film it was before it started) Also, Cheech's appearance in the film as a barker is absolutely HILARIOUS!!!! Definitely one of my favorite films of all time.

Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl (2009) - Now, you can't tell me that's not sexy as hell. Some Japanese schoolgirl vampire? This movie can take two classic stories and combine them with a healthy dose of Japanese subcultures to create a satisfyingly quirky yet blood-soaked film that is uniquely entertaining. Making this a FANG-tastic entry into Japanese splatter cinema.

The Insatiable (2007) - Speaking of sexy though, this movie is like everyone guys' fantasy come true!!! (Okay, maybe just mine) Some guy is walking through an alley one day and happens upon a vampiress feeding on some random bum. Curious to her plight, he tracks her down and takes her captive. Begging her not to kill anymore, he tries to keep her as kind of a pet. She needs blood however and pleads for her freedom. Typical story of a guy so obsessed with a beautiful girl that he can't let her go. There's really an underlying love story I tell you.

Marebito (2004) - So if you think it'd be cool to have a vampire chick as a pet but maybe one that isn't as fiesta and always trying to run away, you might wanna check out this Japanese "vampire" movie. The reason "vampire" is in quotes like that is because you never really find out what she is. They never really confirm that she is one although all the signs make it obvious. (Blood drinking, vampire fangs, etc.) Some guy travels into some abandoned girl into some strange place where he finds her naked and chained to a rock or something. Sounds great, yeah? Although this is one of those foreign films with a strange ending that might leave some audiences unsatisfied. Interesting movie and the "vampire" girl is super cute. (She acts kinda like a cat!)

Interview with a Vampire (1994) - For those who think I'm only giving examples of female vampires with sex appeal, here's one with a young Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt with their fierce vampire eyes and pale complexions. Twilight isn't the first franchise to romanticize vampires, I know a lot of people hated Anne Rice for what she did to the vampire genre. Since I'm only looking at the films, I'm not sure how the books compare to one another. All I know is that when films were made of each author's work, Anne Rice's stuff came out darker and more brutal than Twilight could ever hope to be.

Queen of the Damned (2002) - Yet another film based on Anne Rice's work, this was also the last work of Aaliyah before the tragic accident which claimed her life. Although I hear this movie come under fire for a variety of reasons, you cannot deny that they were able to create a dark, mysterious, and sexy vampire in Lestat. He had the appeal to draw in his female victims and even sexed them up a little bit before going in for the kill!!! They were able to give these vampires sex appeal yet keep their dark image while weaving a tale of deception and betrayal. (Also, the guy was a freakin' rock star. That's what a vampire is more likely to do after living for so many years)

Fright Night (1985) - Despite being a cheesy B-movie, I still give this movie credit for being one of my favorite vampire movies from the '80s. There's just something about the different colors of slime that they use for the guy who melts away on the staircase. Even though the vampire in this movie isn't super handsome, I just felt like this movie is still a better vampire flick. This movie's awesome if you're into cheesy '80s cinema.

Mr. Vampire (1985) - This has been my favorite vampire movie since I was a kid. This movie started a wave of rip offs with bushy eyebrowed Taoist priests wearing yellow robes. A highly influential film, both on myself and our culture, this Chinese vampire film involves vampires of the hopping variety. This movie gets props for mixing magic, kung fu, and loads of comedy with kick ass vampire action. (Check out this film on my Top 10 Favorite Horror Movies List)

Underworld (2003) - Speaking of ass kicking though, we can't overlook Underworld. This is THE movie to prove that you can mix vampires and werewolves without either side losing even a fraction of their cool. Lucien is probably one of the coolest werewolves I've ever seen portrayed and Kate Beckinsale is ridiculously HOT as Selene. She's a fierce-eyed, gun-totin', bad ass vampiress that hunts werewolves. Even though I'll admit that the werewolf transformation scenes in this movie leaves much to be desired, I would MUCH rather watch this series over the Twilight for some serious vampire on werewolf action any day.

Dog Soldiers (2002) - For a movie with some more action and werewolves than Underworld, Dog Soldiers is about a band of British soldiers who are ambushed by a pack of werewolves during a routine field excercise. What follows is a hellish nightmare as they're holed up in an old house being hunted by a pack of soldiers turned lycanthrope. (Check out my review of it here)

An American Werewolf in London (1981) - Despite the movie itself being dated, it still features what is considered the best werewolf transformation scene ever filmed using practical special effects in cinematic history. This movie was remade as a kind of pseudo-sequel in An American Werewolf in Paris, which featured terrible CGI and is bashed by many to be a bad movie. I remember watching this remake and seeing boobs as a kid, so I have fond memories of that film. Although I will agree that the remake doesn't hold a candle to the original despite it being dated, Twilight doesn't hold a candle to either one of these films as far as werewolf stories go.

Ginger Snaps (2000) - The two Fitzgerald sisters are two dark, brooding, angst-ridden teens that are going through the trials and tribulations of womanhood. The lovely Katharine Isabelle plays Ginger, a young woman who gets her period for the first time and is promptly attacked by a werewolf. I felt like even though this movie tried to make werewolves relevant to a more youthful audience, they didn't have to water down the werewolf aspect of their story. In fact, the Fitzgerald sisters were already a couple of outcasts before Ginger is bitten by a werewolf. Their obsession with death and the macabre is what gives their characters depth and allowed for them to be more interesting than the MTV pretty boys that are shown without their shirts on to signify that they're not like the pasty white vampires.

All in all, I guess I like ANY vampire/werewolf movie that isn't Twilight. I would've LOVED it if this is how it ended....

Trailer for 3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy

2010-12-02T00:11:00.000-08:00

Once again, the guys over at Far East Films has the scoop on the 3D Sex and Zen movie. I posted a behind-the-scenes look at the production of this film back in August. How come cool ass shit like this never comes out here in the States? A movie like this might be worth investing in a 3D TV for, seeing as there's no way this movie's getting a theatrical release here. They also have the trailer up for this bad boy and I gotta say, this looks freakin AWESOME!!!! Blood, excitement, and boobies? We've got a winner, winner, chicken dinner... (that's even more relevant if you happen to speak Chinese)

Zomb'asians: Thongs of the Dead?!?

2010-12-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

Awesome. Awesome to the fuckin MAX. I love zombies and I love Asians.... so Zomb'asians sounds like it should have my name written all over it. The super cool guys over at Far East Films has the scoop on this Hong Kong horror/action film.... in 3D!!!! (or "Triple D" as they prefer to advertise it)

I am extremely excited about this film cause the last Hong Kong zombie film that I can remember was Bio-Zombie, which I absolutely LOVED btw, but this comes with the promise of 3D bikini clad girls. (yay!)

This, along with Big Tits Zombie (also via Far East Films), are the two most anticipated foreign zombie films that I've heard of this year. Zomb'asians is currently in pre-production but I will definitely be keeping an eye out for any updates on this promising HK zombie film.

Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (2009)

2010-12-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (Japan, 2009) - Color, Director(s): Yoshihiro Nishimura & Naoyuki Tomomatsu
MPAA Rating: NR
[UK: 18]
Approx. 85 min.

Z-rating: 8 out of 10 stars for its stylized violence and Japanese sex appeal

No wonder I enjoyed this film so much!!! Director Yoshihiro Nishimura has done special effects work for films like Suicide Club, Sukeban Boy, and The Machine Girl while also having his hand in directing projects such as Meatball Machine and Tokyo Gore Police. Our other director, Naoyuki Tomomatsu, has directed slew of low-budget Japanese zombie films including one of my personal favorites, Stacy: Attack of the Schoolgirl Zombies. These guys have been involved in a TON of my favorite Japanese splatter films, so it's only natural that this film was right up my alley as well.

The movie opens with a couple wandering through the desert before they're stopped by three Frankenstein-looking girls. The vampire girl makes quick work of dispatching with all these girls before the intro cues and we flashback to the beginning of the story. An average student at a local Tokyo High School catches the eyes of both the most popular girl in school as well as the new transfer student. Apparently, it's Valentine's Day and it's customary in Japanese culture for a girl to give a boy chocolates to show her affection. After being forced to be in a relationship with the popular girl, seemingly against his will, he's pulled aside by the new transfer girl who presents him with a "special" chocolate that she handmade. After biting into it, he realizes what the "special" ingredient is... it's her blood!! Soon he begins to feel a little strange as he starts going through some changes. (No, not puberty... he's turning into a vampire smart ass)

As it turns out, the popular girl's father is also a mad scientist who claims to be the successor of Dr. Frankenstein that's attempting to continue his work of reanimating corpses. When the popular girl confronts the vampire girl, she is inadvertently killed during the struggle and is reanimated by her own father. And so begins the final showdown between Vampire Girl and Frankenstein Girl!!!

Nudity: None.

Gore: PLENTY. Within the first few minutes, three different girls are decapitated and their skulls completely stripped of skin. Throughout the film, there is no shortage of splatter as blood is spilled by the gallons and limbs fly all about. There is one disturbing gag about a Wrist Cutting Club where a group of girls get together regularly and cut themselves. This plays into the storyline later but is just plain disturbing in the beginning.

Awesome: Very. I love quirky Japanese cinema and this is no different. A play on high school movies with a supernatural twist, I really liked the clubs and cliques that they introduced. (Although I initially thought the "Super Dark Club" was borderline racist, I came to find that it's actually a subculture in Japan to dress that way. Apparently this brand of fashion is called Ganguro) With that being said, I have to say that the make-up will haunt you for a long time to come. This film is highly recommended for fans of The Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police. If you've seen any of the aforementioned films from these directors, you should know what to expect from this film. This is a really fun film and I would highly recommend it to anyone who is a fan of Japanese cinema.

"Christmas Away from Home" - December 2010

2010-11-30T23:30:00.000-08:00

As much as everyone likes to celebrate Christmas with their family, people seem to forget that there are those who aren't as fortunate and must spend Christmas away from home. So in celebration of those who have to be in a foreign place for Christmas, we're celebrating here at the Z-portal with foreign films to keep you warm this holiday season.

Merry Christmas, bitches!!!