Wednesday, March 11, 2015

King of the Lost World (2005)

Background: After ripping off War of the Worlds, The Asylum turned their attention to Peter Jackson's King Kong remake. The original featured special effects by stop-motion animation pioneer Willis O'Brien. The Asylum version is loosely based on Arthur Conan Doyle's novel The Lost World, which also featured stop-motion effects by Willis O'Brien when adapted for the big screen. What's messed up is they actually claim to be the "epic story that inspired King Kong and Jurassic Park" on the front cover as if this movie predates both of them.

Plot: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's action-adventure classic, four plane crash survivors encounter danger in a world that time forgot.

No trailers

Movie starts with a plane crash

Some chick is trapped in a tree but gets snatched by a giant ape that looks like it was animated by the Walking with Dinosaurs effects team.

Back at the crash site, two guys survey the damage and notice that part of the plane is missing.

Cranky guy with brief case seems shady.

The Pastor who took the alien money shot to the face in War of the Worlds plays John Roxton, who leads a group of survivors through the jungle.

A member of the group is attacked by a giant spider that mummifies him and digests him in a split second.

Slimy, digested skeleton still has eyeballs

The spider looked worse than the ones from Eight Legged Freaks!

The group stumbles across a cockpit from a different plane that crashed.

They decide to camp out in the cockpit for the night and build a fire, when Mr. Shady Briefcase catches up to them.

Guy is attacked by killer vine.

Dead dragon?

00:24:00 - "I didn't sign up for this" cliché

Tribesmen seems kinda racist

They're going to wrap maggots into this chick's wound, old school medicine!

Buddha's Palm?

The soldier that Jake Busey shoots in War of the Worlds is in this too.

Mr. Shady Briefcase actually tries to hotwire a missile while smoking a cigar.

00:40:22 - "This place is surreal... it's not right, it's out of place." Ya think?? Giant spiders, killer vines, fucking DRAGONS?!

Giant scorpions! The one from earlier was just foreshadowing. I didn't think Asylum films were capable of competent writing.

The pastor who took a load of alien jizz to the face in War of the Worlds gets penetrated by giant scorpion stinger.

Giant scorpions are afraid of camera flashes, good thing this chick brought her camera with her!

00:50:43 - TITS!

Almost an hour into this movie and "King Kong" only showed up for like 5 seconds.

Girls are given mind-control drugs, guys are the real sacrifices.

Wrong Kong suffers from the same fuzzy photography syndrome that Bigfoot does. Even in still shots, he looks blurry as shit. 

I think King Kong (1933) had better special effects than this movie.

"I'm acting sad!"

Huge nuke goes off 10 feet away, no nuclear fallout and only a small crater.

"Yeah, we're probably good right here."

Hero gets two bitches though!

Final Thoughts: Considering this was a mockbuster of King Kong, the giant ape is barely in the movie. Although, I will give them credit for knowing their limitations. If it's going to look like shit, don't put it on screen for longer than you have to. I'm actually a pretty big fan of all the King Kong movies, I'm just glad this wasn't nearly as long as Peter Jackson's version. I'm not sure I would be able to handle that. This movie is unfit for human consumption.