Thursday, March 19, 2015

Halloween Night (2006)

Background: Following When a Killer Calls, they made a cash-in on The Omen called 666: The Child, both of which dropped on the infamous release date of June 6, 2006. I wasn't able to get ahold of the movie but it might've been decent considering it gets a sequel the following year. At first glance, this appears to be a cash-in on the Halloween franchise but claims to be an original film as opposed to the typical mockbusters The Asylum is known for. Written by Michael Gingold, the editor of Fangoria since 1990.

Monday, March 16, 2015

When a Killer Calls (2006)

Background: This movie is a knock off of a remake of a movie based on an urban legend.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

King of the Lost World (2005)

Background: After ripping off War of the Worlds, The Asylum turned their attention to Peter Jackson's King Kong remake. The original featured special effects by stop-motion animation pioneer Willis O'Brien. The Asylum version is loosely based on Arthur Conan Doyle's novel The Lost World, which also featured stop-motion effects by Willis O'Brien when adapted for the big screen. What's messed up is they actually claim to be the "epic story that inspired King Kong and Jurassic Park" on the front cover as if this movie predates both of them.

Plot: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's action-adventure classic, four plane crash survivors encounter danger in a world that time forgot.

No trailers

Movie starts with a plane crash

Some chick is trapped in a tree but gets snatched by a giant ape that looks like it was animated by the Walking with Dinosaurs effects team.

Back at the crash site, two guys survey the damage and notice that part of the plane is missing.

Cranky guy with brief case seems shady.

The Pastor who took the alien money shot to the face in War of the Worlds plays John Roxton, who leads a group of survivors through the jungle.

A member of the group is attacked by a giant spider that mummifies him and digests him in a split second.

Slimy, digested skeleton still has eyeballs

The spider looked worse than the ones from Eight Legged Freaks!

The group stumbles across a cockpit from a different plane that crashed.

They decide to camp out in the cockpit for the night and build a fire, when Mr. Shady Briefcase catches up to them.

Guy is attacked by killer vine.

Dead dragon?

00:24:00 - "I didn't sign up for this" cliché

Tribesmen seems kinda racist

They're going to wrap maggots into this chick's wound, old school medicine!

Buddha's Palm?

The soldier that Jake Busey shoots in War of the Worlds is in this too.

Mr. Shady Briefcase actually tries to hotwire a missile while smoking a cigar.

00:40:22 - "This place is surreal... it's not right, it's out of place." Ya think?? Giant spiders, killer vines, fucking DRAGONS?!

Giant scorpions! The one from earlier was just foreshadowing. I didn't think Asylum films were capable of competent writing.

The pastor who took a load of alien jizz to the face in War of the Worlds gets penetrated by giant scorpion stinger.

Giant scorpions are afraid of camera flashes, good thing this chick brought her camera with her!

00:50:43 - TITS!

Almost an hour into this movie and "King Kong" only showed up for like 5 seconds.

Girls are given mind-control drugs, guys are the real sacrifices.

Wrong Kong suffers from the same fuzzy photography syndrome that Bigfoot does. Even in still shots, he looks blurry as shit. 

I think King Kong (1933) had better special effects than this movie.

"I'm acting sad!"

Huge nuke goes off 10 feet away, no nuclear fallout and only a small crater.

"Yeah, we're probably good right here."

Hero gets two bitches though!

Final Thoughts: Considering this was a mockbuster of King Kong, the giant ape is barely in the movie. Although, I will give them credit for knowing their limitations. If it's going to look like shit, don't put it on screen for longer than you have to. I'm actually a pretty big fan of all the King Kong movies, I'm just glad this wasn't nearly as long as Peter Jackson's version. I'm not sure I would be able to handle that. This movie is unfit for human consumption.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds (2005)

Background: This is actually the 5th film in The Asylum's catalog, but I was unable to get my hands on the first four. Not really willing to put any extra effort into find those movies, I decided to start with their 2005 cash-in on Dreamworks' War of the Worlds starring Tom Cruise.

Both films are adaptations of H.G. Wells' novel of the same name, that Orson Welles' radio adaptation was famous for supposedly causing widespread panic when people mistakenly thought a Martian invasion was really happening. 

I've seen Dreamworks' War of the Worlds with Tom Cruise and have to say that I didn't much care for it. I much prefer the 1950's War of the Worlds adaptation. I'm curious to see whether The Asylum can do a better job of adapting the novel. I mean, they have hexapods! That's twice as many legs than the tripods in the Dreamworks version. They must be twice as bad ass! Also, the poster is obviously referencing Independence Day, which was one of the alien invasion movies of my childhood. How can this possibly go wrong??

Plot: In this modern retelling of H.G. Wells' sci-fi classic, civilization is laid to ruin when a race of super aliens invades Earth.

Trailer for Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter's Cove. You can sometimes get a general idea of a movie's quality by the trailers they play. This one starts with a low-budget killer pirate movie. This is going to be a good time, I can tell!

Jake Busey's in this? Aww yeah!

Almost 2 minutes worth of credits

TITS! We're off to a good start!

George and Felicity are preparing to go to Washington D.C. for their anniversary

Their son Alex sees a meteorite in his telescope

George is called into work and arrives in time to see the meteorite hit the ground

It's "ginormous" and "smells like ass" and is causing electromagnetic interference

A hexapod rises from the crater and starts kill the dozen or so people gathered around it

Wow, these special effects look like ass...
00:14:06 - "Listen to me! Don't come home! No no, stay there. Stay in Washington, it's not safe." Yeah, this thing came out of the ground and killed like 7 people! Fucking RUN!!!

00:15:40 - As George is leaving the city, he turns around to see this grim scene

Is that single fire? OMG!

The city is in ruins!

Some lady was told it was the work of terrorists by the Army

More hexapods show up and the soldiers shoot up at the sky for a couple minutes.

George curls up in the fetal position and avoids being killed a second time

A random soldier stumbles (literally) onto George, they decide to hole up inside a shack they tipped over and crawled underneath because the door was locked. They're totally safe now!

00:22:46 - Red skeleton

Soldier admits that he survived by jumping into a ditch

00:23:01 - "It's like bio-warfare, man. I mean, I've seen things. I've seen bio-warfare before."

00:24:43 - Is that the same red skeleton reused?

Jake Busey is starting a resistance

00:32:52 - Acid spitting cock

00:32:55 - Guy takes a load of alien jizz to the face, melty face effects are actually pretty decent

Peter Greene is George's brother. He's been torn in half by debris and George tries to give him water

00:37:30 - Two red skeletons, I was sure they only had one!

00:42:03 - " I was in my den, watching the Simpsons, when the demons first came..." Best line ever by a Pastor!

00:54:40 - 3-4 more red skeletons, it's kinda cool that these aliens have the Mars Attacks lasers that turn people into skeletons

These assholes spend like 15 minutes whispering to each other in a basement. I couldn't make out what they were saying to each other but I can't tell if I was just starting to tune it out because I was so bored.

01:14:03 - Pastor is killed by an alien money shot!

George runs into the soldier from earlier and Jake Busey, who has become the leader of the resistance.

Jake Busey shoots the soldier in the face for no reason, prompting George to bash his skull in with a rock. The other soldiers just walk away, no one really cares.

George finally makes it to Washington D.C. but finds it ruins.

Giving up, he lets a random alien kill him but it just falls over and dies. A bunch of random survivors come out of nowhere and tell him that they've been dying on their own. George is reunited with his wife and son.

Final Thoughts: This wasn't as terrible as I was expecting but it's not any good either. I do have an all-new appreciation for the Tom Cruise version though. Another thing I have to mention is that the time codes were a little different from when I watched this movie on my PS3 and when I was taking screenshots on my computer. Also, the movie was a lot darker on my computer.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Entering The Asylum

If there's one thing everyone should know about me, it's the fact that I absolutely love trashy schlock films. The more ridiculous and absurd, the better! By this logic, The Asylum's catalog should all be pure gold to me. With titles like Nazis at the Center of the Earth and Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies, you'd think they'd at least be worth a laugh. Unfortunately, they've consistently put out some of the worst movies ever.

The Asylum is primarily known for making low-budget knock-offs of more popular mainstream films known as "mockbusters." These shameless cash-ins piggyback on the success of bigger films by having a similar title and cover art with hopes that people will mistakenly buy the wrong movie off the shelf. For example, they made gems like The Terminators, Paranormal Entity, Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls and Transmorphers. They also make those monster movies that sometimes air on the SyFy channel, like Mega Shark Versus Crocosaurus and Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, their most famous being Sharknado.

I think a big part of Sharknado's success is due to the title making a great hashtag. More people know OF the movie than having actually seen it. The Asylum's movies are always better in concept as the actual movies are often totally unwatchable. I couldn't understand how one company could make so many of these movies and not turn out a single watchable film. Of course I haven't seen more than a handful of their movies, perhaps those were just the worst ones they had to offer? So I've decided to watch as many of The Asylum's films as I can to find out for sure.

I don't know that I will be able to give them proper reviews, due to the sheer volume of mind-numbing garbage I will undoubtedly be sitting through, so I will be logging them more like journal entries instead. Stay tuned for The Asylum Marathon!!