Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Texas Chainsaw (2013)



Texas Chainsaw 3D (USA, 2013) - Color, Director(s): John Luessenhop
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
Approx. 92 min.

Z-rating: 2 stars out of 5

Cheese Factor: 2 stars out of 5


What's Halloween without some Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Well, it would still be Halloween but TCM is one of those classic franchises that everyone watches during this season. This 3D cash-in came out earlier this year and I've been meaning to review it but never caught it on the big screen. So, I'm really here to review the 2D version of this movie.


Right from the start, this movie had me completely interested. They pick up right where the original 1974 TCM left off. After the girl gets away, the police come to take Leatherface away but some vigilante mob shows up and starts a gunfight. The Texas Chainsaw family (given the surname "Sawyer" in this movie) gets mowed down in a hail of gunfire and the house is lit on fire with molotov cocktails. The only ones to escape are a little baby and, apparently, Leatherface. Flash forward to the present, a young teen girl finds out that her aunt just died and is leaving her a house. A group of friends accompany her to check out the new estate but it's only after they arrive that they realize the aunt has been hiding a secret in the house all these years...

Haha, Saw reference! Get it?! Texas ChainSAW!

The beginning of the movie had me totally interested. Continuing directly from the original film (and ignoring that completely ridiculous but wicked awesome chainsaw battle that Dennis Hopper has with Leatherface on top of a dinner table in the second movie) was an interesting direction to take this series. Too bad the rest of the movie is a lot less interesting, breaking down into the same old tired and uninspired formula. They could've done so much more with the story, maybe explored the crazy family in-depth. What a wasted opportunity. None of the friends she brings along even matter because they're all there to be murdered by Leatherface. The main girl takes the entire movie to figure out that she's related to Leatherface, which the audience probably could've guessed in the first 10 minutes. There's no reason to care about any of these people, so it's difficult to give a rat's ass when they die.


Nudity: I wish I could recommend this movie for it's T&A at least, but I don't remember seeing any nudity in this film at all. The clothes are practically falling off the main girl like they're just waiting for a chance to escape. This movie is really stingy with the nude scenes, even though they tease it like hell.


Gore: Being a Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie, they really went light on the "Massacre" too because only a handful of people die in this movie. I also find the lack of chainsaw kills disturbing. As for the special effects, there are a couple scenes with decent gore in it but the scene at the end is almost unforgivable. A man slowly slides into a giant meat grinder and they used CGI for the effect, it looks fucking terrible.

Hurry, Instagram that shit!

Awesome: Not very. The story didn't really add anything to franchise or bring anything really new to the table. The ending made absolutely NO sense whatsoever. After the credits though, there's a sweet little secret ending that's pretty cool. Nothing significant, just funny. Honestly, I would just recommend skipping this movie altogether and re-watching the 2003 remake with Jessica Biel instead. That's a much more competent movie and it gives you that sick feeling like you really walked into that Texas house of horror.