Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Mortal Kombat: Legacy - Ep. 3 - Johnny Cage

You Got Caged! This episode features Johnny Cage and his struggle to get some acting work.

See Mortal Kombat: Legacy Episode 1
See Mortal Kombat: Legacy Episode 2

Call of Duty: Black Ops "Escalation" trailer

OMFG, Call of Duty Black Ops is getting another map pack named Escalation which features a brand new zombie level called Call of the Dead. Dedicated to, and also guest starring, the King of Zombies himself... George A. Romero. Also starring an all star cast made up of Robert Englund (Nightmare on Elm Street), Danny Trejo (From Dusk Till Dawn), Sarah Michelle Gellar (The Grudge), and Michael Rooker (Slither) as a group of survivors?? Alright... who else just creamed their pants?

Saturday, April 23, 2011



Hello everyone, and welcome to MK-mania here at the Z-portal!!! I've noticed the overwhelming amount of Mortal Kombat themed posts and decided to tie them all together here. So, in celebration of the release of the hottest fighting game out on the market, we bring you... Mortal Kombat-mania!!!

First off, everyone here should know the MK franchise. A popular fighting game released in 1992, Mortal Kombat has since made a name for itself by reveling in blood-soaked violence and explicit gore. The franchise has now spawned at least 9 sequels, 2 movies, and couple different television/series incarnations. Here at the Z-portal, we started with the movies and worked our way over to the games. So we'd like to offer you guys:


Video Games:

2011 Web Series:

Enjoy everyone!!!

REVIEW: Mortal Kombat: Kollector's Edition

Mortal Kombat: Kollector's Edition (2011)

This is my review of the super awesome new Mortal Kombat video game out now for the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360. As I've been ranting about for the past few weeks, I've been SUPER stoked since pre-ordering the Kollector's Edition (with the bookends) on Amazon. I made the choice to pre-order on Amazon because of the classic character skins available. If you pre-ordered at Best Buy, you would get a classic Sub-Zero costume. Pre-ordering at Gamestop would get you a classic Scorpion skin. I pre-ordered mine at Amazon for the classic Reptile skin. I actually liked Sub-Zero's and Scorpion's new costumes so I opted for Reptile because green ninjas are awesome. I know I promised that I was going to review this box set at least three full days ago but after I threw this game into the console, the next thing I knew... two days had passed! I'm lucky I was able to put the game down long enough to even start writing this thing, so let's get down to it!!!

First off, let me just say that this game is definitely Mature. So if either you or your child is sensitive to gore or gallons of the red stuff spewing out from gaping wounds, this is NOT the game for you. (Also, you need to stop reading and leave this blog at once!!) Any blurb or review you read on the net will mention how this is a "return to roots" for this game (and what a return it is!). MK made a name for itself by being excessively violent when other fighting games weren't. Building its reputation by pushing the envelope on violence in video games, the MK series surprised fans and critics alike when they co-produced a game with DC Comics that resulted in a T for Teens rating. (Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe)  I admit that the game was an interesting concept but I prefer to consider it a nice alternative that I keep separated from the MK canon. (An MK game without blood and guts, how ridiculous!!! That's like them making a Mortal Kombat movie that's rated PG-13 or something...)

In addition to the bloody mayhem that's to be expected from this series, Mortal Kombat also touts having the deepest story mode in any fighting game. This has been apparent with the series since the introduction of Konquest mode in Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance, the story modes in the MK series are so much fun that they even made an adventure game spin-off with Liu Kang and Kung Lao called Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks. (HIGHLY recommended co-op adventure game for MK fans)  A deeply-involved story makes this game more than just a fighting game, it's a pretty well-rounded game with TONS of replay value. This game connects all of the stories from the past Mortal Kombat games and packages it up nicely with improved graphics and even more violent fatalities. (it's every fanboy's wet dream!)

The story picks up right after Mortal Kombat: Armageddon, with Shao Kahn winning and gaining an enormous amount of power that makes him nearly invincible. Despite Raiden's best efforts to stop him, Kahn overpowers Raiden, forcing him to send visions to his past self. Meanwhile, Raiden from the first Mortal Kombat tournament receives these visions and now you must work to try to alter the future outcome of the Mortal Kombat tournaments. This new game re-visits all of the past MK games and ties everything together very nicely.

Along with improved moves for some characters, and the return of Combo Breakers, comes the new X-ray system which features bone-crunching detail as the damage done to the opponent is shown in full X-ray glory. One thing that you'll notice when you first pick up the controller is the ease with which you'll be able to control the characters. With a more responsive fighting system, veterans and newcomers alike will be able to chain combos and execute special moves with ease. Fatalities have also become easier to pull off, making the overall gaming experience more satisfying when you defeat your opponent. (I'm partial to the PlayStation 3 version myself just because I'm a console gamer and the PlayStation controllers feel the most comfortable in my hands for fighting games. If I already owned a PS3, I definitely would've picked this game up for that system instead. However, the smooth and responsive control system made adapting to the layout of the Xbox controller relatively painless)

Different gameplay modes also add more depth to the game such as the Challenge Tower, which gives players fun little side missions to complete for more Koins to unlock secrets. (Test Your Might, Test Your Sight, Kill Zombies, etc.) In multiplayer mode, there's one-on-one or two-on-two battles with MK featuring a new smoother tag system that makes fighting with your friends more interesting. I totally think there should be a tag team X-ray move, which there isn't, but the X-rays alone are a fantastic addition to the MK experience. Fanboy fantasies aside, I have no REAL complaints about the way this game plays. The 3D characters and environments returning to the original 2D fighting platform proves to be a winning combination. Simply the best Mortal Kombat to date.

These are the reason I decided to go for the Kollector's Edition as opposed to the Tournament Edition. Although the Tournament Edition comes with a joystick, these video game bookends were totally bad ass and I felt like they'd be more useful to me than a clunky joystick. (I might've gone for the Tournament Edition if it included the bookends as well) These highly detailed bookends feature Scorpion pushing his spear through a wall and Sub-Zero getting impaled on the other side of it. These will look fantastic up on a shelf, bordering a stack of video games or movies violent enough to be deemed worthy of being held up by MK bookends.

Here are a couple different angles of the bookends

SO friggin' awesome. I will enjoy decorating my future room with these bad ass bookends, no doubt. Now, a look at what else comes in this box set:

Sorry, don't be fooled by my picture. The black thing on the left with Scorpion printed on it is just the cover to the book in the middle, The Art of Mortal Kombat. The book is approx. 110 pages and contains concept art for each of the characters as well as information on the various stages in the game. In addition to the classic (Reptile, Sub-Zero, or Scorpion) costume that comes with your pre-order, every set comes with a classic Ermac costume (Red Ninja) and downloadable MK-inspired Avatars for your Xbox Live or PSN accounts. There is also some DLC that comes along with the game, although it didn't specify what it is and I'm not connected to Live... so maybe someone else can shed a little light on what this might be?

So, the new Mortal Kombat game is easily the strongest in the series and I am PROUD to say that I own the Kollector's Edition set. I would give this game a full rating of 10 out of 10 for being part of my favorite fighting game franchise and for being an AWESOME addition to the series. I have been a major fan of all the games ever since the series started. I can remember going to my buddy's house when I was just a kid and playing the first Mortal Kombat on his SNES. I remember LOVING every Mortal Kombat up until Mortal Kombat Trilogy. I must admit, I hated when the environments in the series went 3D because I was just so used to the 2D fighting platform. The later series on the PS2 had totally awesome intros but the fighting mechanics were strange and just didn't feel like Mortal Kombat anymore. This was also the birth of their story mode, or Konquest mode, which proved to be even better than the fighting aspect in some ways. Being able to harness the best of both aspects, they have a created a nice little niche for themselves and ensured that MK will be here to stay. Shaolin Monks was my favorite MK game on the PS2 and they proved they can be more than just a fighting game. Overall, this new game is a fantastic new addition to the MK family and is the strongest in the series without a doubt. HIGHLY recommended for fans and newcomers alike. Do yourself a favor and go buy a copy of this game ASAP. You will not be disappointed.

My apologies to all my readers, I know I promised this was going up on 4.20.11, although I wanted to put a little effort into it and take some good pictures. I hope you all enjoyed the review and I hope I was able to provide a little insight into this amazing video game. I don't get paid to promote this item and I'm not getting any freebies from them. I'm trying to spread the word on this game for no other reason than the fact that I absolutely LOVE the series and this new game. I figured that my readers who share the same interests would appreciate knowing what comes in the Kollector's Edition set. I'm not getting anything out of advertising for these guys so just know that I'm recommending this game because I genuinely enjoy it. I hope you all do too.

UFC 129: St-Pierre vs. Shields

Are you serious?! When was the last time UFC put on a fight like this?? GSP is the fuckin' MAN and Jake Shields is supposed to be like Houdini on the ground. This will only be my second time watching Shields fight, but I am definitely excited to see him go for GSP's title. Add to that, Randy Couture is going to be fighting Lyoto Machida?? That's going to be fun to watch just because. Machida is one of the most elusive and unorthodox fighters out there in MMA, it'll be fun to see a veteran like Couture gets his hands on him. Randy Couture is fuckin LEGENDARY status, if anyone could beat Machida.... I wouldn't put it past Couture to be the one to surprise everybody. Just unbelievable.... I know what I'll be doing Saturday night.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Happy 420 to the Potheads!!!

To all the Stoners, Potheads, Hippies, Gangstas, and everyone else that's celebrating today by lighting up and getting high outta their fucking minds... I wish you all a Happy 4/20!!! I was going to review a couple of stoner comedies that I think everyone would enjoy... but then I got high....

Mortal Kombat: Legacy Episode 2

Always just a couple days behind, keep up with the series as I wait for my copy of Mortal Kombat to come in the mail. There will be a review of the game and box set when I get it.

See Mortal Kombat: Legacy Episode 1
See Mortal Kombat: Legacy Episode 3

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

REVIEW: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (USA, 1997) - Color, Director(s): John R Leonetti
MPAA Rating: PG-13
[UK: 15 (cut)]
Approx. 95 min.

Z-rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars for purely bad entertainment value

B-factor: 5 out of 5 stars for being SUPER cheesy despite a bigger budget

With the release of the new Mortal Kombat game today, Z-portal is reviewing the second Mortal Kombat movie. (Also, check out my review of the first Mortal Kombat film) I have pre-ordered my copy of Mortal Kombat from Amazon and will be doing a detailed review of the boxset when I receive it in the mail. Stay tuned!!!

Following the victory by Liu Kang, the portals to Outworld should be closed at least until the next Mortal Kombat tournament. However, an evil emperor by the name of Shao Khan has arrived to ensure the destruction of the Earth within 6 days. Raiden and the other of Earth's warriors don't get a chance to relax following their victory before having to face this new threat. We also see that most of Earth's warriors, with the exception of Liu Kang and Kitana, have all had some kind of facial reconstructive surgery. Maybe as a result of winning the tournament, Liu Kang got to keep his face. Either way, we now see that Raiden looks more like James Remar (who plays a completely inferior Raiden than Christopher Lambert) and we are introduced to our newest visitors from Outworld. We see that the Generals of Khan's army consists of Motaro, Ermac, Rain and Sheeva. In a confrontation that results in Johnny Cage's death, Earth's warriors are forced to retreat. With Khan's extermination squads hot on their heels, they desperately try to recruit a little help as Sonya Blade is sent to get her partner Jax. Kitana and Liu Kang are sent out to look for Nightwolf and Raiden goes to see the Elder Gods to see why Khan's portals were allowed to stay open. Khan has also brought Queen Sindel back to life under his spell. Liu Kang and Kitana are on their way to see Nightwolf when they're attacked by the cybernetic Smoke. Sub-Zero's younger brother comes to their aid before they're attacked by Scorpion who successfully kidnaps Princess Kitana. Sonya finds Jax and is attacked by Cyrax. The Earth warriors are led to believe that Queen Sindel is the key to closing Khan's portals so they frantically try to reunite the two. I'm sure the storyline sounds very confusing, and in all actuality, is a bit of a chore to follow. Some characters are introduced only to be killed off for absolutely no reason, some storylines don't lead anywhere, glaring plot holes and horrendous CGI is accented by loose ends that are never tied up in the plot. While there is a story here, it is so haphazardly thrown together that it's almost a complete waste of time to try to follow it. They just tried to cram as many Mortal Kombat elements into this film as they could. I give them kudos for the costumes, which looked amazing, but the dialogue and computer-generated effects were so poorly done, it was almost insulting. Basically, Liu Kang needs to learn his Animality in order to fight Shao Khan. And Raiden gives up his immortality to side with his precious mortals. I'm sure there are details that I'm missing, but you probably wont even notice.

Man, so you want to talk cheesy? This movie was SO freakin' cheesy, it's totally laughable. I remember being really surprised when I first read some negative reviews of this movie. I had seen it in theaters as a kid and remembered really enjoying it myself. So then why did this sequel, which featured a WIDE array of characters that wasn't in the first, garner such negative attention? Wasn't until I rented the movie and re-watched it did I realize how absolutely horrendous the dialogue in this film was. My favorite line:

"You did great last time, Liu, but this time you will need help with what you are about to face. Go deep into the night. Seek out the council of one called Nightwolf. You will not find him, HE will find you."

You can't make this shit up, it's like it was written by someone in middle school.

Nudity: None, as it was rated PG-13. Although, one thing I will compliment about this movie is that Jade was STUPID hot in her skimpy snow rags and I absolutely LOVE that Sonya and Mileena duke it out in a mud-fight. These scenes were enough to make it an enjoyable movie, but a horrible adaptation of the Mortal Kombat series.

Gore: NONE!!!! Are you fucking serious?! One of the biggest reasons Mortal Kombat is popular is because of the violence. Seriously, how do you make a Mortal Kombat movie that's rated PG-13??? The first one got away with it because they at least attempted to make a good movie.

Awesome: Somewhat. The dialogue was abysmal and the movie was very poorly executed overall. The only thing that really saved this movie was how laughably bad it was. The story is nearly pointless, the computer-generated effects are terrible, This movie is definitely comparable to the Street Fighter movie in terms of how laughably bad it is. So there you have it, the tagline for this movie is perfect. Destroy All Expectations, that's good advice seeing as you can't be disappointed if you don't expect much to begin with. This movie is DEFINITELY cheesy and bad. Just know that the only reason to see this film is just to have a good laugh at how bad it is.

Check out my review of the original, Mortal Kombat (1995)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

What's Your Favorite Scary Movie?

In honor of Scream 4's release tomorrow, I would like to know. What's your favorite scary movie?

Yam Laranas' New Viral Campaign

Those of you who frequent my blog will remember a review I did of a movie called The Echo by director Yam Laranas. The guys over Bloody-Disgusting have the scoop on Yam Laranas' new viral campaign for his latest film, Nobody Leaves. (They've also got the video on there too) There aren't any details for the film just yet, but Yam did release a viral video on his blog.

REVIEW: Mortal Kombat (1995)

Mortal Kombat (USA, 1995) - Color, Director(s): Paul W.S. Anderson
MPAA Rating: PG-13
[UK: 15]
Approx. 101 min.

Z-rating: 3 out of 5 stars for pure nostalgic entertainment

B-factor: 3 out of 5 stars for how cheesily the movie was executed

With the new Mortal Kombat game on the way, I thought it was only appropriate that I reviewed the movies in preparation for its release. (I will also be doing a detailed review of the MK: Kollector's Edition box set when mine comes in the mail. YEAH!!!) I was in elementary school when this film first dropped. I don't remember a living soul that wasn't into the video games and anybody who was anyone saw this movie when it came out. Of course, I had to be one of the cool kids in school (I was lucky enough to rent this bad boy on VHS!!! Ooooooh yeeaaahh) so I was, no doubt, on the playground talking to all the other kids about how awesome Goro looked and how we probably would've appreciated some more blood and fatalities. (Yes! Even as a kid!!)

The film begins with a flashback of Shang Tsung (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa) defeating one of Earth's fighters in Mortal Kombat. When the dream sequence ends, we find that these are the nightmares that haunt Earth's greatest champion, Liu Kang (played by Robin Shou). Unable to deal with the loss of his younger brother, he seeks answers at the Temple of Light. This is where he first meets Lord Raiden, God of Thunder, but still leaves doubtful of the whole tournament to protect Earth realm from foreign invaders. We cut to two other of Earth's fighters, Johnny Cage and Sonya Blade. On the Hollywood set of some film, Johnny Cage (Linden Ashby) is filming his latest action epic when an extra flubs the scene. He's approached by his "agent", who's really Shang Tsung in disguise, and is told about a tournament where he can demonstrate the validity of his skills to the world. Sonya Blade (played by the lovely but mean looking Bridgette Wilson), on the other hand, is a special forces agent with her partner Jax Briggs. They are on a sting operation to take down Kano (excellently acted by Trevor Goddard, who made him my favorite character in the movie), a boss in the criminal underworld. These fighters are invited to participate in a tournament known as Mortal Kombat, but the details of the tournament are a bit vague. (Kinda feels like Enter the Dragon thus far)

They all hop on a leaky boat and start off for some island where the tournament will be held. Bruce Le... um... Liu Kang and the other Earth fighters have a run-in with two of Outworld's fighters, Scorpion (Chris Casamassa, whom some of you might remember as "The Red Dragon" from WMAC Masters) and Sub-Zero. Raiden (Christopher Lambert, who is jocking for first place with Trevor[Kano] for best performance) puts an end to that shit before it starts... but it's already become clear that these aren't your run-of-the-mill fighters. Earth's fighters gather around as Lord Raiden fills them in on the details of their presence in this tournament. The evil sorcerer Shang Tsung has lead the fight against Earth Realm in a tournament called Mortal Kombat. Winning nine consecutive victories, Outworld can conquer Earth Realm if Shang Tsung and his fighters were to win a tenth MK tournament in a row. Realizing that they were Earth's final hope, the fighters band together and prepare to take on their greatest enemy. If they are not successful, then Earth Realm is doomed.


The theme song was stuck in everybody's head for YEARS to come. I don't know anyone who can't hum the beat to the MK song. In fact, all you have to do is scream "IT HAS BEGUN" and I guarantee that somebody will finish it by yelling back, "MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!!" as you both start to hum the beat. I think these films, and the video game franchise, have a lot of nostalgic value to people who grew up during the height of MK popularity. Another thing that I found really interesting were the connections that I found between this movie and WMAC Masters. Apparently, one of the fighters on the show was the original character model for Liu Kang and Shang Tsung in the first game. (Ho-Sung Pak, who was "Superstar" on the show.) There was also the aforementioned Chris Casamassa (Scorpion) and Hakim "The Machine" Alston, who played the dude that Liu Kang defeats in the opening rounds of the tournament and gets his soul stolen by Shang Tsung.

Nudity: None, this movie was rated PG-13. But I must say that Sonya Blade looked VERY sexy as she snapped Kano's neck like a twig.

Gore: None. There was barely even any blood in this movie and I feel like that's where the biggest mistake in this movie lies. How can you possibly make a movie based on the most violent fighting game franchise in history but have it be PG-13?!?!? Does anyone else see a problem with this? As a stand alone film, the MK movie was great. I enjoyed it and found it very entertaining. There were a couple of "nods" to the video game series if you look out for them. And some of the characters, especially Goro, looked fantastic. However, the movie won't be receiving a higher score from me just because it failed to quench my insatiable blood lust.

Awesome: Pretty. I definitely remember enjoying the movies a lot more when I was a kid though. I guess you grow up and some things just change. As much as I absolutely LOVE the video games, I can't say the same for the movies. This movie was a success, financially, though as it spawned a SUPER cheesy sequel and a live-action TV series. Since Hollywood likes to reboot movies so damn much, I don't see them rebooting this series in an ultra-violent manner that would be loyal to the video game series. Well, actually, I guess that's not entirely true. I heard that because of some legal issues that Midway was having, Warner Bros. came and bought the rights for several video game franchises with the intention of turning them into movies. Threshold Entertainment, however, owns the rights to the first two MK movies and felt like Warner Bros. was trying to cut them out of the picture. A lawsuit followed and a movie was never officially made. Threshold announced that they're going to remake an MK movie in 2013. Let's hope they don't mess it up this time with more PG-13 crap. In an unrelated incident, a clip was released onto youtube trying to generate some buzz. The clip was entitled Mortal Kombat: Rebirth, featuring Michael Jai White as "Jax" and Lateef Crowder as "Baraka".

This clip is not official but they did decide to turn it into a web series to generate more buzz for the video game coming out on 4/19/2011. The first episode of which, hit the web two days ago on April 12, 2011 and can be seen here.

Here's the trailer to the original movie:

Check out my review of the sequel, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Mortal Kombat: Legacy Episode 1

Following Sonya Blade and Jackson Briggs, this first webisode is the beginning of a new live action mini-series they're premiering on the net to promote the game that will be releasing 4/19/11. YEAH!!!! I'm pumped.

Watch Mortal Kombat: Legacy Episode 2

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Scream 4

For those of you who haven't heard yet, there's a new sequel on the way for the Scream franchise. Coming out Friday, April 15th, this latest installment touts a new set of rules that the (new and old) victims must figure out if they're to survive their run-in with a new Ghostface. The story picks up several years after the third film, with Neve Campbell returning to Woodsboro for a book signing where she will once again cross paths with David Arquette and Courteney Cox's characters. (Dewey and Gale Weathers)

New to the cast are a band of fresh young faces for Ghostface to slash his way through including, but not limited to, Hayden Panettiere (of Heroes fame), Kristen Bell (Forgetting Sarah Marshall), and Emma Roberts (star of Nancy Drew and niece to Julia Roberts)

I'm actually really excited for this one myself. The original was a self-aware slasher that paid homage to, and poked fun at, the genre as a whole while redefining it. They played on the clichés of slashers and turned them into hard set "rules" for surviving a horror movie. This original concept was wildly popular when it was introduced and the film turned out to be a sleeper hit. Sometimes I get the feeling that after movies like Inception and Avatar, people have been going to the movies with higher expectations. I don't expect every movie I see to be some deeply thought-provoking psychological trip that messes with my perceptions of reality. Sometimes I'm just looking for some mindless entertainment and this new Scream sounds like it would be that perfect blend of violence, satisfying kill sequences, and a few good laughs. I'm sure it doesn't help that Scary Movie, and every other movie under the sun for that matter, has poked fun at Scream at one time or another. Regardless, not every movie needs to be an Academy Award winning film... and sometimes I just want to see young and sexy bodies get slashed to ribbons by a knife-wielding psycho while the red stuff spills out by the gallons. Who else is as excited as I am for this sequel?

Sunday, April 10, 2011

New Twisted Metal for PS3

Can it be? A new Twisted Metal game? Hells yeah!!! As if it wasn't cool enough that there was a Duke Nukem game coming out? There's a Twisted Metal game announced for Oct. 4!!! On April 14th, there will be an in-depth demo, stay tuned or follow at GameSpot.

Sweet Tooth is totally awesome. 

Twisted Metal: Black was awesome!!!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

REVIEW: The Fifth Element (1997)

The Fifth Element (France, 2003) - Color, Director(s): Luc Besson
MPAA Rating: PG-13
[UK: PG]
Approx. 126 min.

Z-rating: 5 out of 5 stars for its imaginative Sci-Fi/Fantasy storyline

B-factor: 2.5 out of 5 stars for its cheesy gags

Now, this is how I like my Sci-Fi movies. Weird, ugly, mean-looking aliens with a bunch of strange weapons and flying cars. This movie has all of that and more... with a touching storyline to boot!!! The characters all had interesting personalities, effects were fantastic, and there were some good laughs along the way. What more can you possibly ask for?! (Maybe a little more nudity, but who's complaining?)

So every five thousand years or so, some Great Evil appears and we need the Fifth Element to stop it. There are four sacred stones representing the four classic elements (Earth, Fire, Wind, Water... GO PLANET!!!) which are the keys to either saving the universe or its destruction. An alien race wearing mechanical suits come to take the stones from us, citing the outbreak of war as a threat to their safety, promising to return with them when we needed them most. Fast forward a couple hundred years and the time has come for us to face the Great Evil. The mechanical aliens return to deliver the stones but are shot down by a bunch of ugly looking aliens that look like villainous lackeys. These other ugly mofos were hired to steal the stones and deliver them to an evil corporate sleazeball named Zorg. (Played by the always enjoyable, Gary Oldman) As it turns out, the stones were not aboard the ship. They were being kept safe by someone else. They checked the crash site and found the remains of one of the mechanical aliens (a severed hand gripping a lever) which is used to clone a new one. Instead of some ugly mess that's covered by a bulky mechanical suit, she comes out looking like a super hot and naked Milla Jovovich!!! (OF COURSE the perfect being is a girl, what else could it have been?!)

So, much like these artificially created beings often do, she breaks out of her holding chamber and makes a daring escape. (à la Wolverine) Jumping off the ledge of a building, she crashes right through the roof of a flying cab piloted by Bruce Willis. (who also happens to be ex-special forces)  The police try to pull him over but sweet little Leeloo (Jovovich) begs for his help with her sad puppy dog eyes. Willis gives them the slip, much to Leeloo's delight, and delivers her to a priest by the name of Vito Cornelius. The truth is then revealed that the stones were entrusted to someone they called "The Diva", a blue alien opera singer. (who is AWESOME by the way)  A radio contest is rigged so that Korben Dallas (Willis) has tickets to go see The Diva and hopefully recover the stones. The announcement of the contest winner draws the attention of Zorg (Oldman) and those ugly alien grunts as well. With everyone looking for the stones, they all converge at the opera house where The Diva is giving a concert. After a totally awesome concert, a shootout occurs where The Diva takes a bullet to the gut and falls dramatically to the floor. Leeloo, remembering the grunts that shot down her ship, toss them a beating the likes they've never seen before. Things don't end well for Leeloo when she has a run in with Zorg, armed with his fancy pants machine gun, who takes the box (thought to be containing the sacred stones) found in The Diva's belongings. With her dying breath, she tells Korben Dallas the real location of the stones. With the "help" of an effeminate radio jockey (played by Chris Tucker), Dallas must find Leeloo and save universe for eternal darkness...

Nudity: When the perfect being is revealed to be a girl (Jovovich) you get a shallow view of her boobs momentarily. She also takes off her shirt without regard for present company. (All the guys are gentleman and look away but we get a blurry view of boobies in the distance)

Gore: Not much, unless you count alien gore. Not a violent movie, but it really didn't need to be.

Awesome: to the MAX!!!!! Great actors/actresses, amazing make-up and special effects, and a fantastic storyline ties together perfectly with a healthy dose of oddball humor to make for a wildly entertaining Sci-Fi romp. Everybody's character had such animated personalities, even the Chinese guy that brings Dallas lunch was hilarious. The storyline was kinda touching but also involved enough space fighting and ugly aliens to be totally cool. Also, you gotta love a movie that basically says the perfect being's a woman and makes PUSSY the fifth element. (the only thing capable of saving the universe apparently, imagine that) One of my favorite Sci-Fi flicks of all time, I would watch this baby ANY time I see it playing.

Duke Nukem - Fun with Feces

For those of you motherfuckers who don't know, Duke Nukem Forever comes out June 14th. Here's a sneak peek at some fun things that you can do with feces in the game. Enjoy =)

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


I had a post a few days back about zombies, and while it wasn't anywhere NEAR a complete listing, I totally forgot to mention the movie Helldriver that I heard about recently. (Yes, I realize I'm a bit slow) From the mind of Tokyo Gore Police and Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl comes the latest splatter-iffic zombie film to come out of Japan. Anyone who is a fan of movies like Machine Girl and Robo Geisha will surely have a ball with this gory splatter-fest.