Monday, February 14, 2011

V-Day 2011


And so, the day is here, where we rejoice and celebrate the relationships we share with our loved ones. Problem is, you look over and realize that what you've got you arms around isn't a girl... but just a pillow you were using to pretend you've got a girlfriend. No worries, you're not the only one. Tonight is going to be singles night here at the Z-portal, where single people can come hang out and be entertained while everyone else is out celebrating with their significant other. The overall theme tonight will be Unrequited Love. We'll see different examples of unrequited love in movies that even the most depressed single person can enjoy. So hide that box of old photos, put down the box of tissues, and crack open a case of your favorite beer (or roll up a fatty, whichever you prefer) and get ready to feel a little better about single. If not by choice, then.... well, at least you're not these guys:


Dumb and Dumber (1994) - Not to mention that this is one of the most hilarious movies of ALL time, it's gotta be one of the best feel good movies ever. No, not just because it tickles my funny bone... these guys are the biggest losers... ever. One of these idiots (Jim Carrey) falls madly in love with a girl after meeting her once, driving her limo to the airport, and so he flies out to Aspen, Colorado to return a briefcase that she left at the airport. (obviously made before 9/11... cause TSA would've been all over her for leaving a bag unattended. And apparently, you can run past airport security in those days without being stopped) So after he goes out of his way to see her and return her briefcase, it turns out she's flippin' married!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?? I would've totally lost my cool, but not these guys, this guy just keeps right on smiling. All the while his buddy (Jeff Daniels), who accompanies him on this totally bogus trip, is smiling right alongside him. Flat broke without transport to get home, these two pals just hoof it out on the road. Learn a lesson from them on how to take heartbreak in stride.

Best scene: The fantasy of violently killing the husband of the girl who stole his heart. We've all had similar fantasies play out in our head, I'm sure.


The Mummy (1999) -  Yes, this movie again. Recently making my Top 10 list of favorite movies that were recommended to me by my sister. I love the action in this movie and Brendan Fraser turns in a surprisingly bad ass performance as Rick O'Connell. After making it with the Pharaoh's gal, this particular mummy was buried alive along with flesh eating scarabs enclosed in his sarcophagus and had the Hom-Dai, the worst of all Ancient Egyptian curses, put on him. Suffering for over 3,000 years until he was inadvertently awaken by our gang of tomb raiding archeologists, this guy has to suffer through another sequel before getting a chance to fully revive the love of his lives. And guess what? When it came down to it, the bitch totally leaves him hanging (literally) and saves herself. Damn, you wanna talk about unrequited love? How about one that spans 3,000 years and a couple lifetimes.


Misery (1990) - Research shows that when someone's in love, their brain functions similarly to someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I wasn't exactly surprised to hear this because when you're madly in love with someone, they're the ONLY thing that's on your mind. From being the first thought on your mind when you wake up in the morning to being the last thought on your mind before you to go to sleep, being in love basically feels like you're obsessing over someone. Academy Award winning actress Kathy Bates plays a psychotically obsessed fan of an author who was finishing up a novel in a cabin in the woods. While driving back, he crashes his car in the snow and is happened upon by Ms. Bates. Taking him home to nurse back to health, she seems like nothing more than a gushing fan at first but when he tries to leave.... this guy gets his leg broke. For a movie so low on the gore quotient, it successfully creates an incredible amount of suspense and builds tension so thick, you'd need a katana to cut through that shit. If you've ever been so lonely that you wish you had a stalker, watch this movie and give it a second thought.


The Insatiable (2007) - On the flipside, instead of being stalked, are you the stalker? Ever love someone so much that you smothered them with too much attention? What would you do if you found an incredibly beautiful, sultry, and sexy vampiress that you wanted take home and care for? Well, that was the case for poor Harry when he happened upon a vampire chick feeding on a bum. To keep her "out of trouble", he catches her and locks her in a cage in the basement. Buying her rabbits and other little animals to feed on, she's slowly dying and he doesn't know what to do. The lesson to take away from this movie is that too much of anything is never a good thing. You can love someone too much, to the point where you're killing them because you're smothering them with affection. Sometimes it's good to just lay back and chill out, maybe they just need a little breathing room is all.


Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (2009) - Vampires face the same relationship problems in general, living forever tends to suck unless you've got someone to spend it with. Dracula, Nosferatu, Lestat, I'm sure have all faced this type of heartbreak over and over again. Losing a loved one is always hard. This pick isn't for the lonely vampire however, this pick was for the poor boy chosen by the Vampire Girl to become her newest vampire love interest. Everything sounds dandy until we realize that what she has chosen isn't necessarily just a mate, but more of a servant. Not to mention what the guy had to go through before he comes to terms with the fact that he truly loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her, it turns out that she wasn't even in love with him like that at all!!! What a tease....


Candyman (1992) - Love is sometimes about making the sacrifices necessary for the ones that you love. A relationship should always be a two-way street with a little bit of give and take. The greatest stories about love are the ones where someone makes the ultimate sacrifice for the person they love. (Giving their life for someone they love) Although Candyman is more of a slasher about a grad student who is doing research on the myth, it's more how he become Candyman that I'm interested in. This guy was once a slave who had a lot of talent as an artist. So much, in fact, that the plantation owner had him paint a portrait of his daughter. The two got close and fell in love but when her racist father found out, he got a mob together to lynch the slave. They chased him outta town with pitchforks but when they caught up to him, they cut this kid's right hand off and covered him with honey before throwing him into a beehive. (Brutal!) Before dying, he cursed all the men responsible and swore his revenge. Now the legend goes, if you look into a mirror and say his name five times.... he will come for you with his hook hand.


Stacy: Attack of the Schoolgirl Zombies (2001) - Have you ever wanted to be loved so bad that you feel like life isn't even worth living without it? Ever walk around like a lifeless zombie because you were so depressed from loneliness? Well, this movie takes that feeling to a very literal extreme. One of the more hokey B-movie zombie splatter films to come out of Japan, although they're all pretty cheesy, and their cop-out ending involved a half-ass explanation for the zombie outbreak. Not some viral infection, voodoo curse, or meteorite passing by the Earth. No, it was love. They wanted to be loved so much that they wander around after their death in order to find love. Some people might have their little hang ups about this movie but that represents the ultimate desire to be loved. Not just dying for it, but coming back to life for it. Even if you don't agree... a ton of blood and guts, zombies, and hot Japanese chicks makes for a good Valentine's Day movie in my book.


Bio Zombie (1998) - In Hong Kong's answer to George Romero's Dawn of the Dead, a sushi chef with a crush on one of the girls that works in mall is bitten by a zombie. After he turns, he still has feelings for her and even gives her a gift that he originally intended to give her after work. When she's cornered by other zombies, he makes with the sushi rolling and makes a "finger-roll" to distract his zombie brethren. In the end, even though he's already dead... he still makes the ultimate sacrifice for her and gets eaten by zombies... AGAIN!!! Even knowing that they can never be together, he's loves her so much that he would give his um.... life.... for her even he's already undead. That's something that I like to fantasize about, loving someone so much that I would still remember them even if I were some horrible monster. 


King Kong (1933) - Talk about a mismatch, this film features the famous ape grabbing himself a beautiful girl and making for the highest point he can find in order to have some "alone" time with her. Sometimes love can be cruel, playing with our emotions and making us fall in love with someone we weren't meant for. Ever feel like a big dumb ape yourself that just isn't good enough for the girl of your dreams? Don't worry bud, you're not alone. King Kong very obviously couldn't be with the girl, even if she did return his feelings. In the end, he makes the ultimate sacrifice for her... and for what? King Kong probably had a King Dong that would've done more than just split her apart... he would've impaled her!!! That monkey had no reason to put his hairy ape hands on her in the first place. Cupid is such an asshole sometimes...


Futurama (1999-2003) - I know, they brought this show back in 2010 and they're coming out with new episodes. I don't care, I didn't watch any of the new stuff so I cant speak of it. I have seen all of the episodes of the original show however and I can say that nothing makes me laugh harder or feel better than some Futurama. If you thought Lloyd and Harry from Dumb and Dumber were losers, Fry is the perfect addition to the crew seeing as he spend the duration of the show chasing after Leela. (who doesn't appear to be interested)  Over the span of the original show, he tries so many times and is shot down by her.... you've just gotta feel better about yourself after watching this guy. One of my favorite shows of all time, Futurama is currently keeping me company tonight.

I hope everyone is enjoying their Valentine's Day, and whether you're single or not, I hope it was special for all of you. If you're lucky enough to have someone to spend it with, cherish every moment that you're able to spend with that person and take nothing for granted.

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