Saturday, December 4, 2010

Twilight Sucks!!!


In honor of the Twilight DVD release, I would like to bash this crappy series for effectively ruining the good name of vampires and werewolves alike. Thanks for sissifying two of the greatest movie monsters that Hollywood had to offer. Vampires have been dark, mysterious, AND sexy ever since vampire lore began. They didn't need to queer it all up by throwing a bunch of MTV-approved pretty boys into the mix... vampires already had sex appeal. So in protest of this blatant perversion and outright defilement of two of my favorite childhood cinematic movie monsters, Z-portal is offering up a list of quality (Okay, you know that word has no real bearing on this blog) vampire and werewolf movies to watch instead of this Twilight crap:

What a bad ass...

The Lost Boys (1987) - Long before his days as Jack Bauer working for CTU, Kiefer Sutherland was a super bad ass vampire named David. Okay... so I realize that name doesn't exactly strike terror into the hearts of the innocent but believe me, the guy's a bad ass for sure. This movie is a perfect example of how you can make vampires relevant to the youth of its time but still keep the bad ass persona. (cause vampires are supposed to be bad ass, not a bunch of pussies!!!)


Vampires (1998) - Speaking of bad ass vampires, I have to mention Valek from John Carpenter's Vampires. While at a party is being held for a bunch of slayers celebrating their recent successul raid on a vampire's nest, this master vampire appears at their front door and proceeds to massacre everyone inside.




From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) - One of my favorite vampire movies of all time, you'd be surprised half way through when this heist film suddenly becomes a vampire movie. (if you didn't know what kind of film it was before it started) Also, Cheech's appearance in the film as a barker is absolutely HILARIOUS!!!! Definitely one of my favorite films of all time.


Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl (2009) - Now, you can't tell me that's not sexy as hell. Some Japanese schoolgirl vampire? This movie can take two classic stories and combine them with a healthy dose of Japanese subcultures to create a satisfyingly quirky yet blood-soaked film that is uniquely entertaining. Making this a FANG-tastic entry into Japanese splatter cinema.


The Insatiable (2007) - Speaking of sexy though, this movie is like everyone guys' fantasy come true!!! (Okay, maybe just mine) Some guy is walking through an alley one day and happens upon a vampiress feeding on some random bum. Curious to her plight, he tracks her down and takes her captive. Begging her not to kill anymore, he tries to keep her as kind of a pet. She needs blood however and pleads for her freedom. Typical story of a guy so obsessed with a beautiful girl that he can't let her go. There's really an underlying love story I tell you.


Marebito (2004) - So if you think it'd be cool to have a vampire chick as a pet but maybe one that isn't as fiesta and always trying to run away, you might wanna check out this Japanese "vampire" movie. The reason "vampire" is in quotes like that is because you never really find out what she is. They never really confirm that she is one although all the signs make it obvious. (Blood drinking, vampire fangs, etc.) Some guy travels into some abandoned girl into some strange place where he finds her naked and chained to a rock or something. Sounds great, yeah? Although this is one of those foreign films with a strange ending that might leave some audiences unsatisfied. Interesting movie and the "vampire" girl is super cute. (She acts kinda like a cat!)


Interview with a Vampire (1994) - For those who think I'm only giving examples of female vampires with sex appeal, here's one with a young Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt with their fierce vampire eyes and pale complexions. Twilight isn't the first franchise to romanticize vampires, I know a lot of people hated Anne Rice for what she did to the vampire genre. Since I'm only looking at the films, I'm not sure how the books compare to one another. All I know is that when films were made of each author's work, Anne Rice's stuff came out darker and more brutal than Twilight could ever hope to be.


Queen of the Damned (2002) - Yet another film based on Anne Rice's work, this was also the last work of Aaliyah before the tragic accident which claimed her life. Although I hear this movie come under fire for a variety of reasons, you cannot deny that they were able to create a dark, mysterious, and sexy vampire in Lestat. He had the appeal to draw in his female victims and even sexed them up a little bit before going in for the kill!!! They were able to give these vampires sex appeal yet keep their dark image while weaving a tale of deception and betrayal. (Also, the guy was a freakin' rock star. That's what a vampire is more likely to do after living for so many years)


Fright Night (1985) - Despite being a cheesy B-movie, I still give this movie credit for being one of my favorite vampire movies from the '80s. There's just something about the different colors of slime that they use for the guy who melts away on the staircase. Even though the vampire in this movie isn't super handsome, I just felt like this movie is still a better vampire flick. This movie's awesome if you're into cheesy '80s cinema.


Mr. Vampire (1985) - This has been my favorite vampire movie since I was a kid. This movie started a wave of rip offs with bushy eyebrowed Taoist priests wearing yellow robes. A highly influential film, both on myself and our culture, this Chinese vampire film involves vampires of the hopping variety. This movie gets props for mixing magic, kung fu, and loads of comedy with kick ass vampire action. (Check out this film on my Top 10 Favorite Horror Movies List)


Underworld (2003) - Speaking of ass kicking though, we can't overlook Underworld. This is THE movie to prove that you can mix vampires and werewolves without either side losing even a fraction of their cool. Lucien is probably one of the coolest werewolves I've ever seen portrayed and Kate Beckinsale is ridiculously HOT as Selene. She's a fierce-eyed, gun-totin', bad ass vampiress that hunts werewolves. Even though I'll admit that the werewolf transformation scenes in this movie leaves much to be desired, I would MUCH rather watch this series over the Twilight for some serious vampire on werewolf action any day.


Dog Soldiers (2002) - For a movie with some more action and werewolves than Underworld, Dog Soldiers is about a band of British soldiers who are ambushed by a pack of werewolves during a routine field excercise. What follows is a hellish nightmare as they're holed up in an old house being hunted by a pack of soldiers turned lycanthrope. (Check out my review of it here)


An American Werewolf in London (1981) - Despite the movie itself being dated, it still features what is considered the best werewolf transformation scene ever filmed using practical special effects in cinematic history. This movie was remade as a kind of pseudo-sequel in An American Werewolf in Paris, which featured terrible CGI and is bashed by many to be a bad movie. I remember watching this remake and seeing boobs as a kid, so I have fond memories of that film. Although I will agree that the remake doesn't hold a candle to the original despite it being dated, Twilight doesn't hold a candle to either one of these films as far as werewolf stories go.


Ginger Snaps (2000) - The two Fitzgerald sisters are two dark, brooding, angst-ridden teens that are going through the trials and tribulations of womanhood. The lovely Katharine Isabelle plays Ginger, a young woman who gets her period for the first time and is promptly attacked by a werewolf. I felt like even though this movie tried to make werewolves relevant to a more youthful audience, they didn't have to water down the werewolf aspect of their story. In fact, the Fitzgerald sisters were already a couple of outcasts before Ginger is bitten by a werewolf. Their obsession with death and the macabre is what gives their characters depth and allowed for them to be more interesting than the MTV pretty boys that are shown without their shirts on to signify that they're not like the pasty white vampires.  

All in all, I guess I like ANY vampire/werewolf movie that isn't Twilight. I would've LOVED it if this is how it ended....


3 comments:

  1. Ah yes, and THIRST. There's also BORDELLO OF BLOOD, THE HUNGER, NEAR DARK, VAMPYR, FROSTBITTEN, BIOHUNTER, VAMPIRE HUNTER D, NOSFERATU, DRACULA, BLACULA, and a TON of others.

    I didn't forget them, this just wasn't meant to be a comprehensive list. This list was purely meant to demonstrate that vampires and werewolves didn't need to get watered down in order to be "cool" or "hip".

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  2. One vampire movie that sticks in my mind is the one who takes the set at Alaska during winter when there's no sun for almost 24 hours and then they start killing (or maybe more appropriate if we called it a massacre) the citizen who stay. I forget the title, but seeing how brutal the vampire (the hell with being civil) and the setting (no sunshine for 24 hr?? hell yeah!!Eat that filthy human) in this movie make me excited and thrilled at the same time

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