Monday, September 6, 2010

Machete (2010)


Machete (USA, 2010) - Color, Director(s): Robert Rodriguez & Ethan Maniquis
MPAA Rating: R
Approx. 105 min.

Z-rating: 10 out of 10 stars for violence, strong sexual content, adult humor, and total bad assery (bad assness?)

"You're telling me that Mexican day-laborer is a GOD DAMN FEDERALE?!"

Well, ex-Federale to be precise. This movie is about a man (or myth?) named Machete (Danny Trejo) who is setup to assassinate a Senator and is promptly double-crossed. Robert De Niro stars as Senator McLaughlin who is hellbent on sealing up the border between U.S. and Mexico in his campaign for re-election. In an attempt to sway voters, his aide (Jeff Fahey) bribes and sets up Machete in a plot to make illegal immigrants seem like a threat to national security. After getting shot and escaping arrest, Machete receives medical attention at a "friendly" hospital nearby. Fahey's goons catch up with him and seem to have the drop on him at the hospital... until Machete makes yet another daring escape that really must be seen to believe. On his mission for revenge, he enlists the help of the lovely Jessica Alba and the tough-as-nails but super sexy Michelle Rodriguez. The lines are drawn and both sides go to war, with Machete leading the revolution. How can you deny a movie that has a girl slide a cellphone out of her snatch within the first 10 minutes?

Yes... this movie's outrageous, over-the-top, and completely absurd. Yes... you can call it obscene, mindless filth that's filled with violence for the sake of violence. That's the whole point!!! Know exactly what you're getting into, this movie is supposed to be a throwback to old exploitation films of the past. There's supposed to be a ton of obscene, offensive material interlaced with a hearty dose of nudity. Any of you PC-fags who are easily offended should steer clear of this movie and let everyone else have their fun with it. (Especially those who are overly sensitive to race issues) That being said, anyone who loved both Grindhouse films should love this one as well. This movie may have overtaken Piranha 3D for my favorite movie of the summer. (Despite my obvious fetish for 3D movies)

Tit Factor: 3 out of 5. Being an exploitation film, nudity was to be expected. I was surprised to find that the movie isn't completely riddled with nudity. Although you do get to see Lindsay Lohan's boobs and she randomly dresses up like a nun for no apparent reason. (That should satisfy those of you who have a nun fetish... although I guess you don't see her boobs while she's dressed like a nun, so maybe not) This definitely loses to the 3D boobs in Piranha though. I think I only remember about 3 sets of tits in this movie... which definitely does not trump 3D nudity.

Gore: There was plenty of violence in this movie, but it wasn't as splatterific as say... Planet Terror was. (But that's a zombie movie so that's to be expected) There was a good amount of gore... just not a ridiculous amount. In my opinion, there was as much gore as needed. The story really didn't call for anymore. (Although I wouldn't have been the one to complain if they packed it full of gore and violence)

Awesome: to the MAX!!! Violence, nudity, adult humor. There's a luchador henchman, a nun with a gun, and Cheech Marin as a foul-mouthed priest. All boiling down to a showdown, where a katana-wielding Steven Seagal faces off with Machete wielding dual machetes. This is exactly the kind of outrageous yet awesome fight scene that trash film enthusiasts have wet dreams about!!! (Seagal goes out like a savage though... totally calm, cool, and collected) When this movie comes out on DVD, it's going right up on my shelf... next to the Grindhouse movies.